Hi Anita,

Like a wave that passed, the break up no longer feels imminent. In fact, I felt more at ease and relaxed and think that I am calming down. I don’t really know what to do because I feel like these anxious spikes are becoming very difficult.

However, there was one difference yesterday – I wasn’t bored. In my current job I am bored and not intellectually stimulated and that is when I have time to ruminate. Today I am bored again, but feel more capable to stand up and accept the intrusive thoughts so ´maybe he is not the one, and maybe this is telling me to move on’ is being answered back with ‘or maybe that is the past rearing it’s head and asking you to heal it. You grew up in an unstable and unhealthy environment and you are recreating this in your anxious state, but really you will be come more acquainted to real life and what’s more ordinary life.’

It’s curious how it works – I really do appreciate your advice and spiked reading this, but in a weird way it’s encouraging me to remember why I won’t break up and why I need to keep strong and calm. No googling. No nothing.

Of course I spoke with him, I spoke with him and hugged him. I hugged him hard because that was how I felt I could connect more. As always, he was supportive and understanding.

But of course, I am still wondering.