Hello Heartbrokenman,

When I was much younger, I had a relationship that ended catastrophically. I was hurt, angry, and scared about what might become of me. In desperation, I reached out online and wrote a post similar to yours. The responses I got were less than helpful, and in some cases less than kind. I didn’t have a great online community in which to ask my questions; I wish tinybuddha had existed then! Anyway, I saw your post and identified with it so strongly that I felt like I was back in college again. I am not assuming that your situation is anything like the one I was in, but I hope to be able to extend to you some of the wisdom my years have brought me – and if that fails, then at least to show you some kindness.

I have a few suggestions to make.

First of all: do you think it’s possible that you are trying to control some things here that you simply can’t control? I don’t mean simply whether or not this woman chooses to be with you. Obviously you can’t control that. But I noticed in your first message you said she was “on meds because of” you. Is that really possible? Unless you physically hurt her and she had to take painkillers as a result, that statement doesn’t make a lot of sense to me. The kind of “meds” I *think* you’re talking about are prescribed by psychiatrists and MD’s to address chemical imbalance issues in people’s brains. These chemical imbalances can be either acute or chronic, and they are nobody’s fault. If you are blaming yourself – or if she is blaming you – for her having to take these meds, that’s unfair. That is something that she needs to take ownership of, not you – and if you are carrying that on your shoulders, then I wonder what *other* blame you are laying on yourself that you don’t deserve.

It’s true that just learning to love and be loved is the most difficult and unrelenting journey of our lives. It’s also true that young men are often dirty, inconsiderate and insensitive, and don’t know much about how to be good partners. I applaud you for taking stock of your good and bad qualities, learning from the feedback given to you by people you care deeply about, and committing to being the best man you can be.

But I suggest that maybe it is *not* your fault that this woman left. It sounds like the things she was going through with her family were pretty intense; I don’t know many people under the age of 30 who could truly have provided the sort of support she may have needed as a result of that. As for most of the behaviors you describe in yourself (smelly clothes, lack of affection, etc.), I don’t think I know any man who has never had to learn a lesson about those behaviors. If such a man exists, I would like to shake his hand.

Other things, like putting college first and not promising to move wherever her work took her, are indisputably GOOD things that you did. You are a young person, and you have your whole life ahead of you just like she does. Nobody knows what possibilities will come their way. Promising to live wherever her career dictates is potentially limiting to your own career. Making promises you don’t want to make is a very, very bad way to conduct a relationship. It may make your partner happy in the short term, but it will make things worse in the long run. I think that if you examine your feelings, you will realize that you had good reasons for not making her that promise. So here, again, I applaud you.

I suggest that maybe the best thing you could do right now, for her and for you, would be to let go and cultivate your own life.

It is wise to learn from our mistakes. It is wise to strive to better ourselves. You are on the right path. But real love means putting others’ needs before our own, and also recognizing that we may not understand others’ needs as well as they do. I very much agree with Mark and Inky; I especially love Mark’s idea about the letter. It would be a great way to show her that her feelings and boundaries matter to you, while not putting any pressure on her to undo any decisions she has made – AND it would clear the way for new things in your life. The opportunity for that is, indeed, a gift.

Oh, and that relationship of mine that ended all those years ago? Well, I didn’t speak to that woman for a long time. But guess what? She is a dear friend of mine now. We live on opposite coasts (my career brought me to California!) Every time we speak I tell her how grateful I am for her and how much she has meant in my life.

There are people who change us forever. Change often hurts, but there is true power in being open to it. I promise you that if you remain committed to being the best possible version of yourself, this hurt will heal for the good of both you and this woman.

Best wishes to you in all that you do.