Girlfriend Broke Up with Me - Its all my fault

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This topic has 7 replies, 5 voices, and was last updated 5 years, 10 months ago by Anonymous.

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July 3, 2018 at 11:27 am #215243

Heartbroken Man
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Hi guys,

Im in a really bad place at the moment and I need your help. I was going out with this girl for 3 years, all the way through college, until 3 months when she broke up with me because I couldnt commit to her in the future location wise, but I told her I was committed to her. I knew I did a lot of things wrong in the relationship, but I never realized how much it affected her, until we talked a few days ago. She was on meds before because of me, she felt worthless, and she didnt trust me, and I didnt make her feel special. Now she says she is happy, and is telling me to move on, saying it is 100% definatley over. Im heartbroken, I havent slept properly in a week, and im all alone at home, in a small rural location, while she lives in the city. I just miss her so much, there was stuff I knew I had to change, and I worked on that on our time apart, but she doesnt care anymore. Shes gone on dates with other guys, she says that I have damaged her, and says its too much a risk for me to be reintroduced back into her life. I want to fight for her, because I had other priorities at the time such as college, which I do not anymore, and know I can make her happy, but she insists its over. She said shell always love me but its over. She gave me false hope 4 weeks ago saying shed thinkg about it and saying she still has a picture of my dog on her wall, but she said this was false hope and shouldnt have done that. I think that someone may be telling her she has to end it, her family or psychologist, as this relationship has become so unhealthy for her.

I nearly went into complete meltdown messaging her, she almost had to call my siblings to stop, but I cant deal with a life without her. She said I could call her next week when shes back from holidays, but theres no point because its over, which she must have said to a about 30 messages I sent. She was the best thing that ever came into my life, she listened, she was thoughtful, she was everything at times I wasnt to her. Shes told me to move on but I simply cant, I know shes the one for me. I just dont know what to do, i just want to end everything, I dont think I can take it much longer, I have been depressed before but I bottle everything, but this is the worst Ive ever felt, I just want to win her back so bad, and will not stop at anything to do that, I just need advice on how to do it or if its advisable, because a life without her is a life without living.

If anyone can help me I would really appreciate it, thank you

July 3, 2018 at 11:40 am #215263

Mark
Participant

Heartbroken Man,

I am sorry for such a heart break. Buddhism talks about being attached causes suffering (see the Four Noble Truths). You are experiencing this attachment pain. Buddhism has a “prescription” on how to deal with this universal cause of suffering. There are plenty of resources to learn more.

When you are able, I suggest you look at your role in this breakup. Examine what things you can and want to change for yourself and for the next partner. You said you did “a lot of things wrong” in that relationship. Write them down. What things were because of you and what things were because you two are not a match.

What is the reason why she did not trust you? Did you lie? Were you not authentic, i.e. saying things that are out of alignment of who you are and what you believed in? Did you not keep your agreements? Why do you think people think that this relationship was unhealthy for her?

Those are places to examine for yourself. You need to start with yourself first in order to have any sort of healthy relationship

You can look at this as an opportunity. This woman is giving you a gift. You can examine yourself and become more self aware. You can learn from this.

Mark

July 3, 2018 at 2:48 pm #215273

Heartbroken Man
Participant

Thanks Mark, its nice to see that theres people like you out there to help people like me in my hour of need.

Ive done that, ive noted what ive done wrong, and have changed those things with me. When I say trust, I may have told small lies, like I might not have been as straight forward as I should have been, because I knew she would just get cross, and I didnt see it as justification all the time, but I can see where the anger is coming from now, it was frustration on the pointers that I have wrote down based on me. I wouldnt say it was unhealthy all on my part, stuff was happening in her family that was beyond anyone’s control, and that really put her down. I tried to be there for her as much as I could, because I knew of her depression problems, and was afraid she might do something, and spent a lot of time alone. but now I know that if anything, me just being there wasnt enough, because I was usually just there physically, as I was working on college stuff beside her, and not giving her the attention she craved.

She did say these things to me, but I didnt learn. I just want to prove to her that I have learnt, without her shutting me down straight away saying its over, surely there has to be away to convince her? Im just so broken without her, she is an incredible person and I never realised how lucky I had it, I just have to win her back, I have to, I just dont know how.

July 3, 2018 at 3:04 pm #215275

Mark
Participant

Heartbroken Man,

I can only guess as a good approach in how to get back together with her.

What I would do is to write a hand written letter (2 pages maximum) on what you have learned and changed about yourself. Tell her about those little lies and the other things you have mentioned here.

Then end it telling her that you will leave her alone (all those messages you sent her is excessive, extreme, and needy) but would like to leave the door open to start over again based on what you have owned up about yourself. Say that if she wishes to try again then contact you but you promise never to contact her again.

Then truly leave her alone and move on. Use that time to work on yourself, to be a better person, to heal.

Mark

July 3, 2018 at 3:35 pm #215285

Inky
Participant

Hi Heartbroken Man,

This sounds counter-intuitive, but the best way to get her back at this point is to ignore her completely ~ unless she reaches out to you first. You don’t even have to tell her you’re doing this. She will wonder what happened to you. She might wonder if you’re OK. She might even speculate (with more anxiety than she’d be willing to admit to) if you have indeed moved on or even met someone else! Who knows. Warning! It could take years, but curiosity should get the better of her one day.

You mentioned a couple times that you put college before your relationship. As if you had done something wrong! NO! You SHOULD have put college first before some girl. What some women don’t understand is that a man, too, needs to build a nest. What future could you have with a future spouse if you HADN’T gone to college or advanced in a career? Never be sorry for that. Never.

Best,

Inky

July 3, 2018 at 5:04 pm #215287

Heartbroken Man
Participant

Thanks Mark so much, I think that is a good advice, that is what I needed. I will try not let my feelings get the better of me contacting her, I just fear its over now with how happy she seemed that she got rid of me, she was very clear in saying that it was over and that there was no way back. 3 years has to mean something though, even if she does feel more independent and appreciated now, I might have brought her into a hole unintentionally, and she says she fears going back to that if she went near me again, but I just want to prove myself to her, even if it was just for 5 minutes.

Thanks Inky, but I dont know about cutting contact completly, because from what I know now, shes done wondering, and is having the time of her life without me, I just want to show her that I wont make it worse, and that I was only ever loyal to her! She was my first love, my only love, and its just to much of a risk for me. Shes been telling me that I have to move on, so I dont think she would wonder, I just feel if there is any small tiny glimour of light will be gone forever in a few weeks for her, and I dont want that.

Yes you are right, I should always put college first, but there was other factors to, like I play football at a pretty competitive level as a passion, but it has required a huge amount of commitment, and Ive put our relationship behind football for a few occasions in the past, and she is very bitter about it. I just have all this free time now and I just feel like its completely wasted, I dont start work for a few months and im all alone at home, with my good friends having emigrated. Maybe thats why I am so upset, every time i think of her / mentioned her by someone, my stomach churns uncontrollably, and I am not the emotional type! I just think all the stuff ive put her through, for example, not giving her enough affection, sometimes wearing smelly clothes on a date, bad language, not complimenting her looks, not tell her I wouldn’t commit to moving to where her work would be in future (restricted because shes becoming a pilot), not standing up for her in front of my own friends, public affection, unthoughtful humour, small lies to avoid conflicts, not keeping to her high clean standards, not getting regular haircuts, bad table manners, bad dress style. I can see now where shes coming from with all these points, and I completly agree with her, and thats why I just want to prove to her that Ive got rid of these bad traits.

July 4, 2018 at 4:35 am #215331

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Heartbrokenman:

I think you are feeling so desperate because you live “all alone at home, in a small rural location” and wish you lived in a city city where she lives (“while she lives in the city”), because you are “having all this free time”, not attending college, not working and not playing football and to top all these, you haven’t slept well for a while.

To feel better change your circumstances somewhat? Maybe move, continue your education/ certification, find a job?

I noticed you wrote: “I think that someone may be telling her she has to end it, her family or psychologist, as this relationship has become so unhealthy for her”.

I have a question: do you think then that she is not capable to figure out by herself if any particular relationship is healthy or unhealthy for her?

anita

July 5, 2018 at 10:23 pm #215621

Amasio
Participant

Hello Heartbrokenman,

When I was much younger, I had a relationship that ended catastrophically. I was hurt, angry, and scared about what might become of me. In desperation, I reached out online and wrote a post similar to yours. The responses I got were less than helpful, and in some cases less than kind. I didn’t have a great online community in which to ask my questions; I wish tinybuddha had existed then! Anyway, I saw your post and identified with it so strongly that I felt like I was back in college again. I am not assuming that your situation is anything like the one I was in, but I hope to be able to extend to you some of the wisdom my years have brought me – and if that fails, then at least to show you some kindness.

I have a few suggestions to make.

First of all: do you think it’s possible that you are trying to control some things here that you simply can’t control? I don’t mean simply whether or not this woman chooses to be with you. Obviously you can’t control that. But I noticed in your first message you said she was “on meds because of” you. Is that really possible? Unless you physically hurt her and she had to take painkillers as a result, that statement doesn’t make a lot of sense to me. The kind of “meds” I *think* you’re talking about are prescribed by psychiatrists and MD’s to address chemical imbalance issues in people’s brains. These chemical imbalances can be either acute or chronic, and they are nobody’s fault. If you are blaming yourself – or if she is blaming you – for her having to take these meds, that’s unfair. That is something that she needs to take ownership of, not you – and if you are carrying that on your shoulders, then I wonder what *other* blame you are laying on yourself that you don’t deserve.

It’s true that just learning to love and be loved is the most difficult and unrelenting journey of our lives. It’s also true that young men are often dirty, inconsiderate and insensitive, and don’t know much about how to be good partners. I applaud you for taking stock of your good and bad qualities, learning from the feedback given to you by people you care deeply about, and committing to being the best man you can be.

But I suggest that maybe it is *not* your fault that this woman left. It sounds like the things she was going through with her family were pretty intense; I don’t know many people under the age of 30 who could truly have provided the sort of support she may have needed as a result of that. As for most of the behaviors you describe in yourself (smelly clothes, lack of affection, etc.), I don’t think I know any man who has never had to learn a lesson about those behaviors. If such a man exists, I would like to shake his hand.

Other things, like putting college first and not promising to move wherever her work took her, are indisputably GOOD things that you did. You are a young person, and you have your whole life ahead of you just like she does. Nobody knows what possibilities will come their way. Promising to live wherever her career dictates is potentially limiting to your own career. Making promises you don’t want to make is a very, very bad way to conduct a relationship. It may make your partner happy in the short term, but it will make things worse in the long run. I think that if you examine your feelings, you will realize that you had good reasons for not making her that promise. So here, again, I applaud you.

I suggest that maybe the best thing you could do right now, for her and for you, would be to let go and cultivate your own life.

It is wise to learn from our mistakes. It is wise to strive to better ourselves. You are on the right path. But real love means putting others’ needs before our own, and also recognizing that we may not understand others’ needs as well as they do. I very much agree with Mark and Inky; I especially love Mark’s idea about the letter. It would be a great way to show her that her feelings and boundaries matter to you, while not putting any pressure on her to undo any decisions she has made – AND it would clear the way for new things in your life. The opportunity for that is, indeed, a gift.

Oh, and that relationship of mine that ended all those years ago? Well, I didn’t speak to that woman for a long time. But guess what? She is a dear friend of mine now. We live on opposite coasts (my career brought me to California!) Every time we speak I tell her how grateful I am for her and how much she has meant in my life.

There are people who change us forever. Change often hurts, but there is true power in being open to it. I promise you that if you remain committed to being the best possible version of yourself, this hurt will heal for the good of both you and this woman.

Best wishes to you in all that you do.

July 9, 2018 at 8:29 am #215935

Jacob
Participant

Hello everyone.

I am in a very hard, painful, heart aching situation that I am have a VERY hard time getting over. So let me just give a back ground story so you get an understanding. Me Mac this girl, named Odalys (oh Dallas), Met in 10th grade and it was love at first sight. Had 5th period class together. Dated for two weeks till she broke it off and things were awkward till the end of the year.. all communication was lost that summer and I looked at it as it was a typical HS relationship. So I got with someone else. That wasn’t a serious relationship, I got with her to get over Odalys and it kinda worked I forgot about her for 4 or 5 months till I started thinking about her again. 11th grade comes and Odalys was moved to another city 45 min from me that summer.. but then her friend asked if I had talked to Odalys during the summer and I said no that I had been trying to get her contact info.. so finally ODALYS emails me and we were both super happy to finally be talking to each other.. I was happy and so was she… we talked 24/7 until I asked her to be my girl again… and OMG!! This girl was amazing. She was beautiful. She listened to me, she was funny and I was funny… we both were super weird and did things that other couples wouldn’t do CAUSE IT WAS WEIRD.. me and her just…. were perfect an we loved each other very very much. There was never enough love like.. we were always so affectionate and if she was hungry but didn’t want to eat I’d be like “no I’m taking you somewhere” or times when it would be like choosing a place To eat.. we would always go to our #1 noodle stop. Movies and cuddles were our thing like we never couldn’t stay away from each other we just had sooo much love for each other and we knew EVERYTHING….. we watched each other graduate, she was my date to winter formal and prom and omg… best nights of my life. I was so proud of her to see her graduate. They say that the person you should be with is the person that changes you to be a better person. I helped her get out of her comfort zone and just start living and now her she is this strong, fearless, woman that I’m just so proud of. I helped her out getting her first job which she’s still there after 9 months. She’s heard my deepest secrets that I’ve never told anyone. And I know hers…. I had really bad anxiety for 6 months and she stood by my side no matter how much it irtbto see me in such pain and suffering.. she always said I’d get better. And I did…. we only got into 4 stupid arguments… but we hated tension between us so we ALWAYS settled them THAT DAY… and believed that the next day would be a new day full of happiness and smiles all day and that’s how it was… she was my first time and I was hers… and yes it was very special.. we wouldn’t have done it if we weren’t so deeply connected.. obvi I wanted it more than she did haha which sucked but she didn’t want to risk anything since we are still so young… but i guess along the line… I messed up a couple times that I believe are to be stupid reasons.. one reason was because she had a cousin that was always so rough around me telling me “if you hurt her, I’m going make you hurt more than she did” and always was serious and he did that every time I would see him and it annoyed me and I guess she didn’t like that but I told her all I want is for him to just say that ONCE to me… not every time he sees me like it would be nice to just give him a hi and hand shake (which eventually we got to that point so)… then this last new year…. my mom kissed me off on my way to her aunts house and that ruined my whole night and I was in a bad mood almost the whole time and her family was trying to help me out but I was just really upset at my mom for pissing me off so Odalys didn’t liek that I was a buzz kill….. THEN…. ever since I got out of anxiety, I’ve beem more impatient and I’ve been more aggravated… so once night I went to a friend of mine (who is a girl but we just cool friends and Odalys knew that so) but that night I was texting odlays and she said for me to come home and she was talking kinda aggressively… I forgot but I got offended and was like “I’ll leave when I want to” and I mean I did…. but when I got home I was just so mad at Odalys for being so bossy that I took ALL my frustration out on her and…. I really really really hurt her….. I said things like “stop telling me what to do cause your not my mom and your not my wife so stop acting like it” and “your ruining my life with you always telling me what rob do” and also “this is your final warning”…. I was so pissed but afterwards I regretted it and I knew st that moment I messed up big time… and I did… she woke up at 11 pm to read that big angry message and she cried all night and stayed up…. and the next day I tried apologizing but she was HURT…. so we didn’t talk for two days until I went to her work and apologized face to face and made sure I stayed till things were ok… but I knew I really screwed thugs up…..

Anyway… here we are broken up.. AGAIN….. she said he main reason was because she’s catholic and I’m Christian and if we ever had kids it be confusing.. she also said that she needs to get her life together and focus on her since she really wants to move out of her parents house.. the small reason was because of me of when I lashed out at her and she just didn’t want that for her.. these two months of not being together have sucked. I love her very very very much.. she was my other gal and with her gone I’m losing control of myself and I’m becoming this stalker ex by creating this alternate Instagram account so I can still talk to her and that’s just been making me worse and I know I need to stop but I just really miss her and she was really special to me… I’m only human and I’m always going to make mistakes and yes I have learned from lashing out but the whole cousin thing… I mean it takes me awhile to get comfortable with family so. I’m my alternate account I asked her if she still loved me a little and she said yes. But then todsy I just was told that she “talking to someone” and that HURTS… again I really love this girl and… I’ve waited for her once and she’s worth waiting for again… her main problem was the whole catholic and Christian thing… but I know if it’s meant to be… that will be worked out… sorry my story is long!!!

Thanks
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