Hi Anita,

Wanted to say Hi & give an update…Last night was a restless night, but I am going to meet someone for lunch today.  We spoke yesterday for a long time on the phone & seem to have a lot in common…I am going with an open and positive attitude…One problem,  I feel like I am being deceptive to the relationship of the past and it makes me feel a bit uncomfortable.

I try so hard to put him out of my mind and as always,  thoughts creep back in.  Even in a sick way I have caught myself wondering if he would ever come back if I keep my distance and maybe by some chance he would miss me enough to call.  I know that is not going to happen and is prolonging my healing.  What can I do to stop me from thinking these thoughts.  I guess whenever someone says , “he will come back”, it makes me wonder if he would and what would I say to him.  I really don’t know.

Deep down inside I really do understand we were so different & is why we split…Our values were nothing in line with one another.  And I have seen how his life now is polar opposite of what we had planned together.  We had a future planned with building a home, saving our money and hanging out at home.  Now, all he does is go out of town, diner, trips and spend money like it is going out of style.

How could he live so completely different now with her than he did with me?  Questions I keep asking myself & then I start to blame myself again for the break-up…It’s like every time I start to feel better and realize it wasn’t all my fault, these thoughts of what could I have changed come rushing back in.  I have never been this distant with a break-up.  Every time I think us only seeing one another 4 times very briefly in the past 3 months hurts.

It just doesn’t seem normal after 8 yrs. not to wonder or have any contact.  Like I said before I will not contact him & if he tried I wouldn’t respond to him even If I wanted. The only way I would talk to him is if he made a real effort and even send a letter, or show up and ask to explain.  Not that it would heal , or make me able to forgive…I am not sure what I am hoping for.  I feel I would even be afraid to ever talk to, or trust him again.  I know it’s not an option at all, so please tell me, why am I wasting my time with these useless thoughts…

Bella~