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How to get your priorities in order while everything is falling apart~

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This topic contains 276 replies, has 4 voices, and was last updated by  anita 6 hours, 18 minutes ago.

Viewing 15 posts - 1 through 15 (of 277 total)
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  • #209433

    Bella
    Participant

    Hi,

    I have been dealing with so many stressful things in my life I don’t know where to begin other than I want to start over. I feel like I am falling apart & have had so many bad thoughts the past few weeks & have decided to be positive and stop crying about my failures.  I desperately want a new life and wrap up all of my loose ends.  Could someone give me some guidelines?

    Thank you~

    #209457

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Bella:

    The guidelines to “a new life”:

    1. “warp up all (your) loose ends”, as you stated, that is, settle all legal affairs from your past eight year relationship so that contact with your ex boyfriend is no longer needed.

    2. List the behaviors you referred to as “my failures” and resolve to not repeat those.

    3. List your past behaviors that were effective, that brought you favorable long term results, and resolve to repeat those.

    4. Learn more about yourself, about others, about life as it is.

    anita

    #209561

    Bella
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    Can you recommend a book to help with my venture?  I am mostly alone & don’t speak to many people.  I feel I will be better off to work on myself alone.  I am a bit withdrawn and am having big trust issues with people.

    Bella

    #209585

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Bella:

    In your Buddhism thread you asked for recommendation of books. Two members replied with their recommendations. I don’t have any book recommendation for you in any area because I haven’t read a book or looked at a book for a few years. I remember a couple in the Self Help category but problem is these books had a mix of truth and untruth in each, and the untruth part mislead and hindered me.

    You wrote that you have “big trust issues with people”. Would you like to elaborate on that?

    anita

    #209603

    Bella
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    I have trust issues…Yes,

    After my ex & I spoke the other day he said he was going to be open & nice when we spoke.  I found a few things of his he had been looking for and let him know they were found & he could pick them up.  When he called I could hear in his voice the anger and talking to me like I was beneath him.  I told him he could come by anytime  & he said he would call this morning before he came, I feel he is just saying whatever to make things easy on him to get the rest of his things and it is very hurtful.  I had already told him he could have whatever he wanted, just to ask.

    I am trying to be positive , move on  and want desperately to be happy &  his demeanor and the way he continues to treat me drives out of my mind.  The trust issue is he knew the bind he was putting me in & still continues to be cruel every time he comes by or we speak…I can deal with knowing it is over, but what is the point in tormenting me.  He did say he loved me and always would, but I know that not to be true as to how could he be so mean if he did.  It hurts to know he would lie just to make things easier for him.  It is like he is no longer the person I use to know~

    Bella

    #209607

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Bella:

    I was wondering: what is the financial bind that he put you in, that is, what is the financial difficulty that you experience because of him?

    anita

    #209609

    Bella
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    I have over $15K in CC debt from him in the last 2 yrs. of helping him pay for things and he said he would be responsible for and he says he has no means to follow through, but yet he goes out of town and goes out with women and friends.  No lack of spending on his part.  I trusted him in good faith because he never seemed like the type person who would not keep his word.  I always trusted him.

    #209611

    Airene
    Participant

    Hello Bella,

    If I understand….you and your boyfriend have broken up, and this is putting you in a financial bind?  And he is treating you with anger, and you are asking him to treat you nicely.

    You say you can deal with it being over but that he is tormenting you.  My take on this is that you are letting him torment you.  If you want this to be over, then let it be over.  Move on in your mind and your heart.

    As far as getting your priorities in order while everything is falling apart….the “everything falling apart” – is this in reference to the relationship with your boyfriend?

    If you have been together long term, it will take awhile to “get over” the relationship, even if it wasn’t good.  Or rather, if the two of you couldn’t make it “good.”

    For you, focus on what you need to do, and after that, focus on what will bring you some peace and happiness.  You say you are a bit withdrawn and don’t speak to many people.  Is this something that works for you?  What are the things that interest you beyond the relationship you had with your boyfriend?

    Airene

    #209613

    Bella
    Participant

    Hi Airene,

    I do understand he probably detached himself from the relationship a long time before he told me he was actually leaving, so it is easier for him to move on.  It is still very raw with me and still hurts terribly.  I want to move on, but am still able to just take baby steps.  I keep to myself because I don’t care to discuss this with anybody because it accomplishes nothing.  At my age people seem to have more to worry about than other peoples problems.  When I was with my ex, I cut myself off from the outside world and did not work due to a disability.  I feel very alone and at a stand still because I thought he was my best friend and now I don’t even recognize the person he has become.  My life feels so empty, and I feel scared not knowing what my future holds.

     

    #209615

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Bella:

    I remember you shared (am I remembering correctly?) that he has no contact with his own children? That was a meaningful piece of information, for me in my understanding of who he is.

    His bad financial management has been consistent in his life, hasn’t it.

    It is possible that a good part of his motivation to have lived with you (as your friends suggested to you, so you shared) was to have a place to live, because of his poor financial management. He told you last time that he might become homeless and I am thinking, he may then be motivated to move back in with you.

    I also learned from your other thread that whenever he expressed some anger you magnified it in your own mind, seeing it as lashing out at you, when in reality he was not lashing out at you. As if he wasn’t allowed the emotion of anger, not around you.

    “everything is falling apart” is in the title of your thread. Reads to me that things have improved greatly recently. His very moving out of your home is things coming together nicely. Better keep it that way. As I suggested in my first post to you on this thread, learn all you can learn from your experience with him, and your life will get better.

    anita

    #209799

    Bella
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    I would like to share something with you and get your opinion…I have not been contacting him & this afternoon he sent a text which said, “I am very proud of you for not bothering me over the weekend”~ I feel he is now trying to play games & did not respond.

    #209863

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Bella:

    Overall, in this relationship, I see you and him individually contributing to the ending of it. Your part is, again, not allowing him to be angry, seeing any expression of dissatisfaction on his part, any irritation as a lashing out and responding to it as if he attacked you. This is itself does not allow a healthy relationship.

    Another part to your contribution to the ending of the relationship, according to my understanding (even before I read your most recent post) is that you did ask him for too much help while he was living with you, frequently asking him to do this and that in the house, and when he moved out, you probably did call him too  often asking for help with this or that.

    (I am not thinking about his part in the failure of the relationship because he is not the one reading this post, I am communicating with you, not with him).

    When he texted you what he did yesterday, he may be sincere, relieved that you didn’t contact him, following being understandably frustrated with too much contact by you. He may be trying to communicate with you once again, that you bothered him too much, too often with house work, vehicle work and such.

    Maybe he is playing a game, as you suggested. Problem is, the communication between the two of you has been so lacking, that an honest straight forward communication has not been an option for him. If such a communication did exist, maybe he would have preferred it to playing a game.

    If you would like, let me know if he contacts you again. A future contact by him will reveal more.

    anita

    #209885

    Bella
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    If he is relieved by me not texting him, why not just let it go instead of telling me?  I really would like to talk, but I know it is not a good option for me.  I don’t like games and would rather be left alone if he is not concerned about my feelings.  Because he knows I still care.  I feel at this point I need to focus on me getting over this.

    #209893

    Bella
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    To help me in a new relationship down the road, please explain to how my actions were so wrong in my past relationship we have been discussing.  I really don’t see other than not letting him talk down to me.  I understand in your last post you only brought up my fault because I was the one reading them, but I really don’t understand what I did so wrong.

    #209903

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Bella:

    You wrote repeatedly that he lashed out at you when he did not lash out at you. When I feel annoyed, that is a bit angry, my voice naturally changes in tone and a bit in volume; my face naturally changes expression as well. I don’t choose those things, they happen naturally. I figure what happened with him, is that when his voice and face naturally changed when he was annoyed, you accused him of lashing out at you, told him he was being a child, told him you can have another man treat you better, etc.

    If I was him, I would feel very uncomfortable living this way, uncomfortable about my tone of voice and facial expressions, afraid that these will show annoyance. I imagine I will be walking on eggshells, uncomfortable.

    And also, he told you (so you shared) that he can’t fix everything and so, I figure you asked him to do that a whole lot, more than he could handle, or more than it was fair to ask from him.

    anita

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