Dear Kay:

When your parents withdrew from you emotionally following you expressing sadness, let’s say, and were nice to you only when you appeared happy, then they did teach you that you had to be happy to be loved. Because you weren’t happy, you pretended to be happy, wearing that mask you mentioned.

I am glad you are learning that it is “ok to have feelings.. to talk about them… (to) open up.. not be happy all the time”. I think it will continue for some time to feel scary to express to others your true feelings, but it will get easier with lots of practice.

You wrote regarding your family that you have been reconnecting with them lately, “We don’t have really deep conversations but it is a start”- if you are referring to your parents, the same people who taught you what they did, then trying to have deeper conversations with them will keep you away from the healing you experienced lately.

The deep conversations you want to have, don’t try having them with your parents. Have then with other people, people who are okay with you feeling the way you happen to feel at any one time.

anita