July 2, 2018 at 2:23 pm #215175
I'm going through a hard time right now and have been reading forums on here a lot. It makes me feel less alone seeing that we all go through struggles but that there are people who listen and want to help. I feel very lonely lately, I recently got out of an abusive relationship and feel I have been in an abusive friendship as well. I was isolated and didn't have any other deep connections other then these two. I feel conflicted in my friendship. It was an amazing source of support the past couple of years and seemed almost perfect for so long. This friend recently turned on me and is constantly cold and distant and mean, then loving and supportive except for when I need it most. I feel as though I need to get out of this as I had to get away from my ex but won't be left with anyone I can truly share my emotions with. I was not close with my family growing up but have been reconnecting with them the past couple months, but my family does not discuss emotions. I feel lost and alone and like I don't know what to do. Cutting off my friend means losing a lot of support from her and her family but we had so many good times together it's hard to accept that she really wasn't a great friend from the beginning, it has just become more clear lately. I find myself missing my ex more often, I think I miss having someone to care about me and share everything with. I put up with a lot of mistreatment because that was better than being on my own. Now I've been on my own and in therapy and even though things are a little better, I am still very depressed. I feel stuck and like I'm going no where and like I will never have people care about me like I had in the past or have anyone understand me so well, even though they also show they did not care about how they treated me at times at all. I feel lost and alone and don't know where to go from here. This friend is my witness in court for the domestic violence trial with my ex, and she refuses to prepare for court and show any interest in supporting me. That in itself is distressing as she is the only witness and can quickly turn around on me and become very mean and I don't have much evidence. I would like to move past this point in my life but I wonder if I am holding onto resentment and anger and pain against them keeping me from caring enough about myself to find what will really make me happy, even though everything is still pretty recentJuly 2, 2018 at 2:38 pm #215183
How old are you? You say that you are missing your ex more often. Is this the same ex that is going to trial for domestic abuse against you?
You want to move past this but I suspect until the trial is over with then you cannot move past this anger, resentment, and pain.
I wonder what your therapist is advising?
MarkJuly 2, 2018 at 2:45 pm #215185
I'm 19. Yes it's the same ex. I don't think I really processed the break up when it happened he was arrested and I assumed I shouldn't miss him because he was abusive and I didn't until I realized my friends were not very supportive and I felt lonely. My therapist tells me that's really common and understandable since there were good times and bad times and I can make that my safe place to talk about those thoughts because she knows my friends were not there for me and my family doesn't understand. I have a hard time opening up even in therapy but she just advised me to see a psychologist or psychiatrist. She didn't realize how depressed I've been because I just put on a mask and have just started to open up more.July 4, 2018 at 9:05 am #215403
You are 19 and you currently have a court case of domestic violence perpetrated against you by an ex boyfriend. You have or had a female friend, one who witnessed that domestic violence but she repeatedly turned against you, angry.
You are attending therapy. Did your therapist recommend to you to get together with a support group for women who suffer or have suffered from domestic violence? (I would think such a place will be of a great support to you, being “lost and alone”).
anitaJuly 4, 2018 at 9:21 am #215405
Hi Kay… Everything you've stated is understandable to a point. You are going to have to find your happiness within yourself. You are key. Please do not depend on your Ex and your Friend to receive the happiness you so deserve in life. I'm happy that you are seeing a therapist and I hope somewhere throughout your sessions that you will realize that you don't need people in your life that don't bring any positivity or peace. People that surrounds you that are not authentic can make you feel depressed and lonely as well.July 5, 2018 at 1:36 pm #215601
Thanks for taking the time to respond. Yes, that's all correct. I have been going to a therapy group with other women who experienced domestic violence since the time I started individual therapy. It really helped to have other people who had been through what I'd been through, who could understand. I was unable to attend the past couple of weeks but am going back tonight. It's hard to go sometimes but I know I felt like I had a place there and could talk about everything that has been going on.July 5, 2018 at 1:39 pm #215603
Hi Coach Vernida,
I appreciate you responding to my thread. I think you're very right and I became very dependent upon other people to make me happy and I wasn't even happy with myself. And these people took advantage of me and then left or treated me cruelly and I was really hurt because I depended on them so much. It has been lonely and sad trying to find my own place in the world but it's hard to make myself happyJuly 5, 2018 at 7:53 pm #215613
I know you may think making yourself happy is a hard task but it it can be quite intriguing to explore what makes you happy. It is there, below the surface but it is reacheable.July 6, 2018 at 4:37 am #215657
Like a song says, we truly are “people who need people”. It is most important for you to be around supportive people every day, and if not possible, then a few times a week. You need people with whom you are safe expressing yourself honestly and openly.
You wrote, “I just put on a mask and have just started to open up more”.
On one hand, when wearing a mask you don't benefit from social interactions, not as far as your mental health is concerned. On the other hand, when a person you are with is critical of you, disapproving, it is unwise to open up. And so, best for your mental health is to seek situations and evaluate those situations to see if the person or people respond to you empathetically and respectfully, and then open up and share honestly and openly.
I hope you post again anytime you'd like to share. I will respond to you empathetically and respectfully.
July 6, 2018 at 1:54 pm #215723
- This reply was modified 1 week, 2 days ago by anita.
That is a much more positive outlook. I always felt like I wasn't fully myself either, I was always latching on to someone because I thought it was better than being on my own. But I am learning to be my own person and it is quite liberatingJuly 6, 2018 at 2:00 pm #215725
Lately I've been around my family a lot more. We weren't close growing up but when I didn't have any friends to support me I realized I had a chance to reconnect with them and I have been. We don't have really deep conversations but it is a start and makes me feel better when i feel like other people aren't supporting me. Therapy definitely helps, so glad I went last night.
I feel like I never learned how to truly connect with anyone til lately. I didn't learn that it was ok to have feelings or how to talk about them so I never did. I didn't open up and I didn't know it was ok to not be happy all the time. I thought I was supposed to be happy and outgoing and the life of the party even though I felt terrible. So I completely withdrew from people for months. I'm beginning to learn that I will still have value if I'm not always my usual self and it's totally ok to not feel up to everything all the time. I had cut off a lot of people because I didn't want them to see me in a bad state, I thought they wouldn't like me.July 7, 2018 at 4:36 am #215763
If you would like to share: who taught you that it was not okay to have any feeling other than “happy all the time”?
anitaJuly 7, 2018 at 2:59 pm #215819
My parents, they didn't necessarily teach me I had to be happy they just made me feel like a bad kid for having any other feelings or just didn't acknowledge them at all. they hide their own feelings from I felt so alone and confused. Now I dont believe anyone would be interested in being around me or talking to me when I've been so depressedJuly 8, 2018 at 2:25 am #215841
When your parents withdrew from you emotionally following you expressing sadness, let's say, and were nice to you only when you appeared happy, then they did teach you that you had to be happy to be loved. Because you weren't happy, you pretended to be happy, wearing that mask you mentioned.
I am glad you are learning that it is “ok to have feelings.. to talk about them… (to) open up.. not be happy all the time”. I think it will continue for some time to feel scary to express to others your true feelings, but it will get easier with lots of practice.
You wrote regarding your family that you have been reconnecting with them lately, “We don't have really deep conversations but it is a start”- if you are referring to your parents, the same people who taught you what they did, then trying to have deeper conversations with them will keep you away from the healing you experienced lately.
The deep conversations you want to have, don't try having them with your parents. Have then with other people, people who are okay with you feeling the way you happen to feel at any one time.
July 8, 2018 at 12:46 pm #215903
- This reply was modified 1 week ago by anita.
I always had a lot of anger because there was abuse in my family from my dad and siblings and I felt completely helpless because I'd beg my mom to do something and she still never would. And then I was punished for being angry I was not allowed to be upset with anyone and I would be more upset because we couldn't talk about things it was like talking to a wall. I think you're right that they're not the people to be going to but I feel completely alone without my family even though I'm not happy around them either. I just don't feel like having friends will help I just have no interest in it and I used to be so outgoing and make new friends everywhere. now I make friends and stop talking to them I just don't have hope in anything or my life getting better