July 9, 2018 at 5:00 am #215961
We are born needing people, and the first person we need is that parent that is holding us. Without the parent holding us, we will fall. This is how desperately we are born needing that person to hold us. We don’t grow out of the need to be held. As adults, once we realize it, we have a choice as to who is holding us (when we need to be held). We don’t have this choice as children.
As a child you were punished for being angry, and that made you angrier, didn’t it. What part did your anger from childhood play in your relationship with your ex boyfriend and with your ex friend?
anitaJuly 9, 2018 at 2:41 pm #216027
I’m angry that my ex treated me so bad and there hasn’t been justice. I’m angry he gets away with it. I was angry he didn’t care how he hurt me, he enjoyed hurting me it made him smile. With my friend, I never got angry with her for years. We had a wonderful friendship for a few years and she was a great support. I became angry and resented that she only responded me to me when it was convenient to her, disrespected and used me, never answered when I needed someone in my worst times, lied to me. I brought this up multiple times and she always blamed me, cursed at me. I go back and forth, she hurt me a lot but I occasionally still have good times with her and don’t know who else to go to. But I know ultimately it’s been a pattern and she will probably turn on me againJuly 10, 2018 at 3:13 am #216083
“I occasionally still have good times with her and don’t know who else to go to. But I know ultimately it’s been a pattern and she will probably turn on me again”
If you want to, if you do, will you give an example, the last time it happened that she turned on you: what was the circumstance, what did she say to you, what did you say to her, what she said next, and so forth.
This may help me understand more than I do now.
anitaJuly 12, 2018 at 7:42 am #216379
For example, she lied to me saying she was in another state when she was supposed to go to court with me. I asked her about this and she acts like she has no idea what I’m talking about in person but later on in texts apologizes yet the next court date, told me she couldn’t go because she needed to get a tattoo. When she is dating someone, she ignored me when I was suicidal and reached out for help. Didn’t hear from her except when she needed something. i told her how it makes me feel, she cussed me out over text. Yet when she breaks up she tells me how much she needs me, apologizes and wants me to live with her again. It’s like I am just here when she is bored or depressed she LOVES me, and I fall for it every time. She invited me to a concert recently, which I was not planning on going to. Last minute I agreed to go. She ignored me and turned away from me to talk with other friends and exclude me. She mocked me and avoided me when I knew no one else there. I thought “why did she beg me to come if she wanted to treat me like this? I made some new friends, holding back tears the whole night. The second I walked away from them, she yelled at them without reason. She always talked shit about my friends and family, even when I would tell her they have not done anything to me and I care about them. Lately I do not even enjoy being around her anymore. When she says nice things about me, I think of how many times I’ve cried the past couple years because she’s done a lot of other mean things to me, stolen, dishonest, disrespectful of my things, did nothing and partied when I OD’d. I think, “how can she say these nice things to me but treat me like this?” She never even validated my feelings when it was really hard to bring up how I felt. I want to let go. But I know I will have to get through this loneliness and depression and find my own way, but I do want to do it. I will be better for it and happier with new people. I have an appointment with a psychiatrist coming up. Therapy and being able to talk to those few people I know will validate my feelings is getting me through, my family and friends never did this. My family is better now, but I know I need more connection then them, especially because they sometimes fall into the same patterns again. I will try to post here and talk instead of going back to this friend when I feel lonely and confused. I talked a lot about her with my therapist, sharing more of the past years with her and she was concerned and said she seems abusiveJuly 12, 2018 at 7:45 am #216383
Also, I did stop contacting her completely for a couple months this year. It was hard, I became more depressed but i got through it and made new friends who were more considerate and caring. I felt like these new friends were still missing something compared to her and went back. but in this time, I did feel much more content and peaceful and even happy. Part of it was I need to work on my own self worth and believe I deserve healthy friendships and am capable of making themJuly 12, 2018 at 8:42 am #216403
It is easy to see that who you refer to as your friend is abusive. But I think that I understand your conflict about her. In May you wrote about her: “We went through so much together.. I don’t feel like my other friends really understand me and bring out the same joy in me she does”-
I am thinking that because at the time, in the past, when you had no one else at all and the two of you shared similar experiences, the bond with her was so intense, your joy in that bond so great, that you still remember it, still want it.
You know better now, you know she is abusive (you detailed overwhelming evidence, in her behavior, that supports this reality), but you remember the time she was not abusive so fondly, with so much joy, that you want more of it. And then, when she behaves nicely toward you (in between the incidents of abuse), “(you) fall for it every time”.
It is time to let go of that memory as something that belongs in the past. That joy you felt at that bond that was created, that is a thing of the past. Find joy, be it a smaller kind of joy, in any current interactions with people who support you and who are not abusive toward you.
You wrote ten days ago about her, “(she) is constantly cold and distant and mean, then loving and supportive”- in a relationship between two people, the person that is being abusive is not always abusive. This is an important thing to understand. Unlike characters in some movies and in cartoons who are always abusive, always mean, in real life, in the context of an ongoing relationship, an abusive person is not always abusive. Even the cruelest people on the face of the earth are sometimes kind, even to their victims.
Does this help your understanding?
July 12, 2018 at 9:07 am #216415
- This reply was modified 4 months ago by anita.
I was scared typing that out that no one would understand. No one will understand why I miss it and even I know I am replaying memories that will not come back. Thank you for understanding. I need to work on accepting that I can see her for who she really is now which I know one day I’ll be thankful for. It’s confusing to have the closest friend I’ve ever had turn out to be this way. I really thought we’d stick together through everything – we got matching tattoos a year ago. A year ago I would not have imagined feeling this way. but I know it’s time to grow on my own and appreciate new friendships for what they are instead of missing something I used to have. It was like my whole world just turned upside down this year when ex was arrested, i moved back home and no longer felt support from this friend either. I didn’t know who I was or who to go to and or what to do at all. But at the same time i think I have a chance for a beautiful transformation in finding myself and what I want in life now. for the first time I can find what makes ME happy and who I amJuly 12, 2018 at 9:42 am #216425
For that transformation you are experiencing and looking forward to more of, got to re-evaluate people in your life and see them for who they are.
We need people, so we hold on to a way of seeing them that fits what we need. You needed this friend’s love and support so badly that you held on to the view of her as a loving and supporting friend for as long as you have. Time to let go because, like you wrote, you do “have a chance for a beautiful transformation”. How exciting!
This transformation will be at times scary and sometimes you will feel, most likely, that there is no transformation at all. It is during these times that lots of people give up. But if you persist during those times, you will succeed.
There is no such thing as a transformation of the kind you are talking about, without times of fear, sadness and confusion. You are welcome to post here anytime. I would like to reply to you whenever I see a post by you.
July 15, 2018 at 1:16 pm #216787
- This reply was modified 4 months ago by anita.
I’m having a hard time. I was having and ok day and was at the pool with my mom. She said she saw a few days ago my abusive ex had some new unrelated charges. She then goes on about how she wants him and his family to get better and him to have a better life. I feel so hurt that she always sides with them, and has always done this. Growing up she didn’t protect me from my father or siblings. He got me hooked on drugs, she said she was going to kick me out of the house back then. but she wants my ex to get help. She never told me to go to therapy or psychiatrist I did it on my own. She never wants to help me and I have to go to court this week. How can a mom have so much sympathy for the person that almost killed her daughter? Why can’t she ever support me? I’m so alone, I have no friends except the one who doesn’t care about me. I have no one to go to. It’s feels like no one ever cares about me, especially not my familyJuly 15, 2018 at 1:19 pm #216789
I just feel like I can’t do this sometimes. It’s like the world is against me. I give my everything to people just to get taken advantage of and thrown awayJuly 16, 2018 at 5:22 am #216831
You shared on this thread that as a child, you begged your mother to do something about the abuse you got from your father and siblings and “she still never would” do anything to help you. Only yesterday (was it?) you were at the pool with your mother and she told you that she wants the man who abused you (your ex boyfriend) “to have a better life”. Like you wrote, “she always sides with them”, with the people who abuse you, that is: your father, siblings and most recently, your ex boyfriend.
“Why can’t she ever support me?” you asked. Because she is not on your side, just like you wrote (“she always side with (those who abuse you)”). It is very difficult when your own mother is not on your side.
You wrote: “I put up with a lot of mistreatment because that was better than being on my own… I feel completely alone without my family”- this is the conflict a child faces when in a family not on her/his side- having no other place to go and not being able to live alone. So you stay because there is no other option, and you hang on to any and every thing that appears like support.
“Why can’t she ever support me?” – maybe she is angry at you, for no fault of your own, from the very beginning, since you were a baby. For her own reasons, nothing to do with you. Maybe she identifies with abusers, siding with them because of their power (over the abused), maybe she values power, not love.
As part of your transformation, you attended therapy. Another part of your transformation will have to include no longer living with your mother and no longer interacting with her at all. It is not possible to transform, or heal when interacting with a person who sides with those who are against you. Siding with people who are against you is taking that position herself, being against you, that is.
You need people who are for you, not against you. Do your best to be calm where you are right now, where you live, attend therapy and plan to move out. Plan to select people who will be for you and avoid those against you. Take your own side.
I hope to read from you more and more and would like to continue to communicate with you.
anitaJuly 16, 2018 at 2:54 pm #217107
I have had a really bad day. It’s been hard to lose so many important people in my life this year. And I have so much love for my mom that she doesn’t always show back. I need to stop laying around and letting the depression consume me. I want to make progress I want to move forward. It just feels like I have nothing left to hold on to right now and no direction either. my mother decided I can’t live at her house yesterday because I show anger, which apparently isn’t allowed in our family. I begged my ex friend to at least hangout for a little last night but she said she’d rather go out to a bar with her brother. I just thought what has my life come to, it’s the middle of the night and I have no where to go and no one to turn to and no one who cares. It’s hard to keep goingJuly 17, 2018 at 4:04 am #217187
Anger is not allowed in your family, you wrote. Your anger at your mother, your anger at your ex boyfriend, at the friend, is allowed here. So please, express it here, share how you angry you feel.
anitaJuly 18, 2018 at 9:01 am #217483
Recently my anger has cooled. I feel pretty numb now though, I think my anger is really pain for all the times I’ve been hurt. I have a lot of empathy for these people who seem to not have it for me. It’s like no matter what I do I can’t get them to care about me. It makes me cry when I hear my mom crying in her room because her boyfriend is not always nice to her. I feel like I need to make her happy and help her. Yet she allowed so much abuse to happen in my childhood that I would beg her to do something about because I had no control. It’s like I cannot see her in a bad light, but she has no problem with knowing I’m hurting or treated me unfairly. I’ve felt worthless my whole life, my family has always made me feel like there is something wrong with me. I feel like I need to take a break from them and find my own support but I feel so deeply that I am not good enough for anyone and settled for a few abusive relationships – I thought I was lucky that they “loved me”. I guess I thought that was the best I could get – abuseJuly 18, 2018 at 11:30 am #217499
“It’s like I cannot see her in a bad light, but she has no problem with knowing I am hurting or treated unfairly”, you wrote about your mother. This is not surprising to me. As children we have to see our mothers in a good light. If we see her in a bad light when we are children and dependent on her, then we are aware that we are in bad hands, dependent on a person that doesn’t care about us. This is intolerant for a child.
When we grow up, having had an unloving, abusive mother, we don’t change seeing her as loving, or otherwise favorably unless and until we heal.
On the other hand, our mothers don’t need us, so they don’t have the need to view us in a good light.
* I will soon be away from the computer for about 15 hours. I hope to read from you when I am back.