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Kay

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Viewing 15 posts - 1 through 15 (of 23 total)
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  • #218371

    Kay
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    I feel like I am having trouble getting out of this friendship. I keep my distance and she pulls me back in with nice messages. Yesterday she asked me to hangout, then ignored me all day. I asked her what happened and she said her friend had an emergency. Today I saw her and she accidentally told me she was actually out with my ex’s friends. And how she regrets reporting them with me because “they’re sweet people”. It’s like I fall into her trap because I cannot be as open with my family and she didn’t like when I had other friends, so I just was with her all the time. Now when I need to talk to someone I don’t know who to go to so I go back when I know she is an abusive friend. I don’t even like being around her or talking to her I just feel like I have no one else. I have blocked her because I know I don’t want this life and it holds me back from finding what I do what. I have just written a list of many things she’s done that have hurt me (I was shocked at how long it was) to read if I somehow get more messages from her trying to pull me back in. I feel as though the other relationships in my life, no one completely understands me. Have you ever felt this way? Do you have any advice?

    #217953

    Kay
    Participant

    Thank you so much Anita it is really amazing to hear some validation today it was a hard day and I worried about it for months, but I did make it through. I had stopped going to the group for a little and won’t be able to go next week. When I feel depressed even that seems like too much to get up for but I know I usually felt more calm and not so alone afterwards so I am planning to attend when I can again. I am going to be eagerly waiting for my individual therapy on Tuesday. For  tonight I’m just trying to tell myself that I made it this far and I won’t feel so distressed forever. I will just need to take this day by day and give myself more compassion

    #217915

    Kay
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    I had a court trial for my ex today. I had so much anxiety and nerves and pain on my way to court alone, it literally felt like I was going to die. This “friend” of mine did not wake up on time, caused me to be late, brought a knife into court which made me even more late. I was so anxious when my ex and his family walked into the room. Even though my sister was there with me I felt so alone and like no one could understand. They asked for a jury trial, which is about the fifth time they’ve postponed  something. Now I have to go to a higher court in a few months and live this all over again. I feel like no one will believe me. I feel like I won’t have justice. And I feel like I don’t even like myself, no one checked on me or talked about anything with me. I just feel like I can’t even have sympathy for myself I feel like I’m in the wrong

    #217535

    Kay
    Participant

    Wow. I’ve always felt like I needed my family so much but I guess they don’t need me like I need them. How can I change the view of my mother to heal? I don’t even know what to do, I don’t like myself very much right now. How can I learn to be okay knowing my family cannot give me the relationships I always wanted with them?

    #217483

    Kay
    Participant

    Recently my anger has cooled. I feel pretty numb now though, I think my anger is really pain for all the times I’ve been hurt. I have a lot of empathy for these people who seem to not have it for me. It’s like no matter what I do I can’t get them to care about me. It makes me cry when I hear my mom crying in her room because her boyfriend is not always nice to her. I feel like I need to make her happy and help her. Yet she allowed so much abuse to happen in my childhood that I would beg her to do something about because I had no control. It’s like I cannot see her in a bad light, but she has no problem with knowing I’m hurting or treated me unfairly. I’ve felt worthless my whole life, my family has always made me feel like there is something wrong with me. I feel like I need to take a break from them and find my own support but I feel so deeply that I am not good enough for anyone and settled for a few abusive relationships – I thought I was lucky that they “loved me”. I guess I thought that was the best I could get – abuse

    #217107

    Kay
    Participant

    I have had a really bad day. It’s been hard to lose so many important people in my life this year. And I have so much love for my mom that she doesn’t always show back. I need to stop laying around and letting the depression consume me. I want to make progress I want to move forward. It just feels like I have nothing left to hold on to right now and no direction either. my mother decided I can’t live at her house yesterday because I show anger, which apparently isn’t allowed in our family. I begged my ex friend to at least hangout for a little last night but she said she’d rather go out to a bar with her brother. I just thought what has my life come to, it’s the middle of the night and I have no where to go and no one to turn to and no one who cares. It’s hard to keep going

    #216789

    Kay
    Participant

    I just feel like I can’t do this sometimes. It’s like the world is against me. I give my everything to people just to get taken advantage of and thrown away

    #216787

    Kay
    Participant

    I’m having a hard time. I was having and ok day and was at the pool with my mom. She said she saw a few days ago my abusive ex had some new unrelated charges. She then goes on about how she wants him and his family to get better and him to have a better life. I feel so hurt that she always sides with them, and has always done this. Growing up she didn’t protect me from my father or siblings. He got me hooked on drugs, she said she was going to kick me out of the house back then. but she wants my ex to get help. She never told me to go to therapy or psychiatrist I did it on my own. She never wants to help me and I have to go to court this week. How can a mom have so much sympathy for the person that almost killed her daughter? Why can’t she ever support me? I’m so alone, I have no friends except the one who doesn’t care about me. I have no one to go to. It’s feels like no one ever cares about me, especially not my family

    #216415

    Kay
    Participant

    I was scared typing that out that no one would understand. No one will understand why I miss it and even I know I am replaying memories that will not come back. Thank you for understanding. I need to work on accepting that I can see her for who she really is now which I know one day I’ll be thankful for. It’s confusing to have the closest friend I’ve ever had turn out to be this way. I really thought we’d stick together through everything – we got matching tattoos a year ago. A year ago I would not have imagined feeling this way. but I know it’s time to grow on my own and appreciate new friendships for what they are instead of missing something I used to have. It was like my whole world just turned upside down this year when ex was arrested, i moved back home and no longer felt support from this friend either. I didn’t know who I was or who to go to and or what to do at all. But at the same time i think I have a chance for a beautiful transformation in finding myself and what I want in life now. for the first time I can find what makes ME happy and who I am

    #216383

    Kay
    Participant

    Also, I did stop contacting her completely for a couple months this year. It was hard, I became more depressed but i got through it and made new friends who were more considerate and caring. I felt like these new friends were still missing something compared to her and went back. but in this time, I did feel much more content and peaceful and even happy. Part of it was I need to work on my own self worth and believe I deserve healthy friendships and am capable of making them

    #216379

    Kay
    Participant

    For example, she lied to me saying she was in another state when she was supposed to go to court with me. I asked her about this and she acts like she has no idea what I’m talking about in person but later on in texts apologizes yet the next court date, told me she couldn’t go because she needed to get a tattoo. When she is dating someone, she ignored me when I was suicidal and reached out for help. Didn’t hear from her except when she needed something. i told her how it makes me feel, she cussed me out over text. Yet when she breaks up she tells me how much she needs me, apologizes and wants me to live with her again. It’s like I am just here when she is bored or depressed she LOVES me, and I fall for it every time. She invited me to a concert recently, which I was not planning on going to. Last minute I agreed to go. She ignored me and turned away from me to talk with other friends and exclude me. She mocked me and avoided me when I knew no one else there. I thought “why did she beg me to come if she wanted to treat me like this? I made some new friends, holding back tears the whole night. The second I walked away from them, she yelled at them without reason. She always talked shit about my friends and family, even when I would tell her they have not done anything to me and I care about them. Lately I do not even enjoy being around her anymore. When she says nice things about me, I think of how many times I’ve cried the past couple years because she’s done a lot of other mean things to me, stolen, dishonest, disrespectful of my things, did nothing and partied when I OD’d. I think, “how can she say these nice things to me but treat me like this?” She never even validated my feelings when it was really hard to bring up how I felt. I want to let go. But I know I will have to get through this loneliness and depression and find my own way, but I do want to do it. I will be better for it and happier with new people. I have an appointment with a psychiatrist coming up. Therapy and being able to talk to those few people I know will validate my feelings is getting me through, my family and friends never did this. My family is better now, but I know I need more connection then them, especially because they sometimes fall into the same patterns again. I will try to post here and talk instead of going back to this friend when I feel lonely and confused. I talked a lot about her with my therapist, sharing more of the past years with her and she was concerned and said she seems abusive

    #216027

    Kay
    Participant

    I’m angry that my ex treated me  so bad and there hasn’t been justice. I’m angry he gets away with it. I was angry he didn’t care how he hurt me, he enjoyed hurting me it made him smile. With my friend, I never got angry with her for years. We had a wonderful friendship for a few years and she was a great support. I became angry and resented that she only responded me to me when it was convenient to her, disrespected and used me, never answered when I needed someone in my worst times, lied to me. I brought this up multiple times and she always blamed me, cursed at me. I go back and forth, she hurt me a lot but I occasionally still have good times with her and don’t know who else to go to. But I know ultimately it’s been a pattern and she will probably turn on me again

    #215907

    Kay
    Participant

    I had this problem too, and I didn’t even know why I was smoking cigarettes yet I’d smoke a pack a day. I realized I had to make the choice to stop, not just thinking someday I would. And that meant deciding not to give into the cravings and buy another pack, it meant not driving around by myself if I didn’t have to because I know I’d smoke the whole time. Find another way to occupy yourself or handle your feelings. You have to know and decide that you’re stronger than the addiction and fight it because you will realize that after time passes, the cravings become less and less and you won’t even think about it anymore. it does take time to get there and you will probably go back again, but don’t lose hope success isn’t linear. Keep going and you will see the beauty in not having to depend on anything to be happy

    #215903

    Kay
    Participant

    I always had a lot of anger because there was abuse in my family from my dad and siblings and I felt completely helpless because I’d beg my mom to do something and she still never would. And then I was punished for being angry I was not allowed to be upset with anyone and I would be more upset because we couldn’t talk about things it was like talking to a wall. I think you’re right that they’re not the people to be going to but I feel completely alone without my family even though I’m not happy around them either. I just don’t feel like having friends will help I just have no interest in it and I used to be so outgoing and make new friends everywhere. now I make friends and stop talking to them I just don’t have hope in anything or my life getting better

    #215819

    Kay
    Participant

    My parents, they didn’t necessarily teach me I had to be happy they just made me feel like a bad kid for having any other feelings or just didn’t acknowledge them at all. they hide their own feelings from  I felt so alone and confused. Now I dont believe anyone would be interested in being around me or talking to me when I’ve been so depressed

Viewing 15 posts - 1 through 15 (of 23 total)