Dear Cali Chica:

“we feel we can have a role in exposing the element.. poking and prodding until we get our answer”- I think usually we have an answer in mind and we want the other person to get to it. While the other person is talking, we ignore a lot of what he (or she says) as we focus on the desired answer. All along we fail to hear answers to questions that are as important, or even more important than the question we have in mind.

Regarding which part of you is you and which is your mother (we start as one mental unit with her), it takes the ongoing paying attention, Mindfulness. It takes paying attention (as you have been doing so well)  all through the day to this and to that. Over time you choose what is right for you, the Cali Chica part of that mental entity, gradually separating more and more, in small ways and bigger ways, separating from that mental unit.

Equanimity, that happens, I believe when you are separated enough from that mental unit. What you referred to in the past as base anxiety, that is the result of being a mental unit with a difficult, difficult person. How can you have peace living with an unreasonable, selfish, difficult person? Separation is key. I am experiencing this myself, and only recently. It has taken years for me. It sure is nice to not have someone (my mother’s mental representative) arguing and fighting me every step of the way. I still hear the arguments, but notice quickly and then I disengage.

anita