Dear David:

In your note to me you wrote “in my case, I don’t feel like I’m damaged”- way less than a child would be living with her.

*If you reunited with her and had a child, that child would be significantly damaged, a victim.

You were damaged during the relationship (re-read my quote in my previous post to you, if you will). Now you are no longer living with the danger that at any time a “volcanic eruption” may take place, so you are better for it.

You wrote, “(I) wonder if I had been stronger, could we have worked through our issues”- but living under the threat of a volcanic eruption weakens a person, any person. So how could you have been stronger.

She tried, you suggested, to control her behavior when angry. Sometimes she succeeded. What it takes is complete success so to allow a loving, safe relationship with any person. And it takes more than an intention and more than effort. If she attended psychotherapy where she learned what is called emotional regulation skills, if she learned to endure her distress without reacting aggressively, over time and succeeded in doing so month after month, then there would be a chance for a loving relationship to take place.

Aggression is a requirement in the context of war. Safety is a requirement in the context of love.

anita