Just over 5 months ago, I broke up with my ex. There have been ups and downs over the last 5 months but no matter what I do, she is still on my mind. I’m a naturally busy person and while this has helped distract me, I find myself circling back to her and questioning my decision. Sometimes I’m doing fine and I actually feel like I’m slowly getting over her but then there’s other times where I spiral down into this hole. We’ve refrained contact for quite a while now and yet there she is, always in the back of mind and often in the front.

So what led me to break up with this woman? Like anyone else, she had her issues. She had a bit of a short temper and while it was rare that it would come out, it would always be an explosion out of nowhere and it could happen anywhere. It was extremely uncomfortable to witness. As a result, I began to monitor my actions and words to prevent this from happening. This over time prevented me from being my complete self and I think it began to drive me insane. I didn’t even really know I was doing this at the time. She would also be very judgmental/negative of people which I wasn’t a fan of. She would call it “being realistic about the people she wants to hang out with” and maybe she’s right, but it began to wear on me. People often refer to me as a “golden retriever” while she has more of a love/hate type of personality.

Now, I’m a naturally distant person (strange considering the golden retriever comment above….. I won’t get into this here but essentially, I have a fear of rejection and tend to avoid things) and have a very difficult time communicating my emotions/feelings/needs. While I eventually opened up about the temper issue, I think it was too late. I had changed myself so much by this point that I was no longer happy and the amount of stress/anxiety I was feeling became overwhelming for me. The relationship began to feel as if I was walking on eggshells and it sucked. I still really cared for her but I couldn’t take it anymore and I abruptly broke things off. I felt relieved of my stress and anxiety but those feelings were replaced with grief.

All in all, she’s an incredible person. Attractive, confidant, intelligent, independent, driven, witty and was supportive of my interests. She challenged me and for the first time in a relationship, I actually felt like we were on the same level. We did so much together and this being my first serious relationship, I was excited to find someone so special. There’s more but I’ll leave it at that. All in all, she was pretty darn close to what I was looking for in a long term partner and I wonder, was I being too picky?

Long story short, here’s where my head is at. Knowing what I now know about myself, I’m having a hard time justifying my decision to breakup with her. I’ll look at other women and I can’t even be bothered to approach them. I still have a lot of feelings for her. I think about her when I’m happy and sad and I’m constantly reminded of her. There’s a part of me that wants to try the relationship again knowing that I need to be more open about my needs/wants/emotions etc but I’m also afraid of breaking her heart again. I’m wondering if I had been more open, would things have been different? Could we work through our issues together?

I’ve been thinking more and more that I want to reach out and grab coffee with her. I want to talk to her and explain what had happened and potentially see if we could work things out but I’m having a hard time doing so. I don’t know if I’m just looking at her through rose colored lenses, if it’s my ego preventing me to do so, or what it is.

Any insights would be greatly appreciated.