Dear joanna:

I think I understand correctly. Thank you for your appreciation and kindness. You’ve always been kind to me (and to all members who replied to you). About visiting my mother after I moved out and thousands of miles away from her: that was unfortunate and it kept me sick. When I was away from her I started to get better, feeling hope and excitement about life. When I visited her, all of it was gone, I became distressed and disturbed again. Then I would leave again, thousands of miles away, feel better, hopeful, once again. And then I visited her again (feeling guilty about not visiting her), and the same happened again. After so many visits, I stopped recovering from the visits, and the hope was gone. I was getting older and there was no healing.

Until I stopped all contact with her. Problem is my youth was gone at this point. I was twenty years older than you when I stopped all contact with her. I hope you do so earlier than I have.

Regarding anxiety and calm: I feel the beginning of fear and I calm myself quickly, asking myself: is there a danger here and now, for me? If there is none, nothing I need to do, I let the fear go.

Problem is your danger is your mother and she is right there, with you. Not only has she abused you relentlessly over the years, she also inflicts you with guilt, intentionally (!) for wanting to free yourself from her abuse of you.

anita