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July 16, 2018 at 12:40 pm #217085
AnonymousInactiveDear Anita
I feel really exhausted and hopeless. I feel like it will never end and no one will ever give me a chance because I’m not able to have a good relationship or even friendship. I have lost two friends lately and one friend told me today she is overwhelmed with me sometimes. I feel exhausted and hate myself to the extend I can’t even express how much. I really feel like my existence is pointless from the logical point of view. It’s a repeating nightmare over and over again.
Anyway, thank you for replying today and that you always have tried to help me. I appreciate it greatly.
July 16, 2018 at 12:42 pm #217087AnonymousInactive.
July 16, 2018 at 2:12 pm #217105AnonymousInactiveWe texted couple of minutes ago and I told him what he said was very offensive and hurt me because I trusted him and it was really mean to say that I met with him to have sex or that I don’t have feelings, and many other things he accused me of. I also asked him about recent pictures with his ex girlfriend and her things in his apartment. We had an argument and I told him I thought about it and he’s different than I thought and that I don’t want any contact anymore. He said I’m taking revenge on him now and he’s scared of me, and „doesn’t want to be afraid in his own home”, and many other things like „who taught me to put such influence on people”. I don’t even know what is happening, and what I’ve done since Saturday. I feel like I shouldn’t be alive, and can’t take people hurting me again and again, and me doing wrong things, and things never being normal with anyone. I really don’t have a hope anymore, I feel I will never ever trust any person in my life because everything ends badly and everyone destroys me, everytime. It’s not even my impression that I’m a bad person, I’m a shitty and damaged person and this life exhausts me and people ruin me, I don’t know how I’m going to survive it and what for, when there’s neverending heartbreak, pain and suffering
July 17, 2018 at 4:18 am #217191AnonymousGuestDear joanna:
You are welcome. I will repeat some of what you shared in the recent two posts: you feel exhausted, hopeless and lot of hate toward yourself. you think that your “existence is pointless”, a “repeating nightmare… never ending heartbreak, pain and suffering”.
You lived your whole life with your mother. Even when she stayed elsewhere she had the keys to where you lived and came in and out at her will. Do you think you might have a different life experience if, for the first time in your life, you live someplace that is not accessible to your mother?
anita
July 17, 2018 at 5:46 am #217211AnonymousInactiveAnita I’m buying this apartment in another city and moving out. I don’t know if it will be different. for the past months I was living with this hope. Last week I got the message that this hope is almost there. But I’m starting to think it’s me who is damaged, last night I texted my friend who lives in another country asking if it’s even real because I don’t know anymore. He likes me and values me but we meet once a year, texting almost everyday but he doesn’t know me that well. So many people have been rejecting me all my life, and I have no one who would care about me right now, maybe this should make me think. Maybe my parents were right that I have no value as a person.
what would it change, when I move out. I will live there in peace, work somewhere and come back to an empty house, meet someone and either be rejected or they will reject me because I’m acting like I care too much or don’t care at all, or ruin it some other way. I really don’t know how to act and maintain healthy relationships with people. Last night I talked to one guy with whom I went for a coffee once, and I was angry but I asked him politely what is it exactly that he wants. He said he doesn’t want relationship, just hang out and have fun. I don’t know why this keeps happening to me. It’s either someone doesn’t care or if someone cares I ruin it because I show myself as a person who is not to be treated seriously, because I’m afraid to trust or simply afraid to stay for the night and let it happen naturally. I act like a crazy and not normal person, coming back home, being afraid and rejecting when someone wants to be good for me. I can’t even express how I felt last night. I literally don’t have a hope that anything will work out. I lost two friends, because of some weird conversations and behavior and aggression. This guy I dated recently texted me yesterday I was aggressive. I know he used the fact that I told him about my parents, but maybe he was right, even when someone is crazy about me and I don’t have to even try, even then I will ruin it by being myself. Anita do you really think something will change? I got the message yesterday and I have to go to this town and settle some things with this apartment and I really don’t have the hope for this new life because I think I am the problem in my life. I don’t have any value as a person. I really mean that. I believed you couple of months ago, when you told me I am a good person. I know you were right, I trust you and I believe you and I thank you for this because it has helped me greatly at that time, it helped me to stop the toxic relation I was in. But what if people are right, what if my parents were right that I have absolutely no value as a human. Anita I really am almost 100% sure it’s true, I’m sorry it’s not like I don’t believe you, I want to but people tell me mean things all my life and reject me in the worst possible ways, and they always say it’s because I did something wrong, and they never treat me well at the end.
July 17, 2018 at 6:20 am #217213AnonymousGuestDear joanna:
I have two questions before I can respond to more of your recent post:
1. If you move to another city, living in a different apartment, will she not have a key and access to this new apartment?
2. You wrote, “I don’t know if it will be different”, your life experience in that other city. Can your experience living elsewhere be worse that a “repeating nightmare” and a “never ending heartbreak, pain and suffering”?
anita
July 17, 2018 at 6:33 am #217217
JasonParticipantIt seems that things have deteriorated since your first post; from my perspective anyway. I appreciate your sustained effort for yourself though. There is a lot to think about here. I relate to your self-esteem struggle and it can be extremely crippling and loom over a long period of time if you let it affect you. If you are going to build your self-esteem; build and work hard to patch what you perceive as your weaknesses until there are none left. Then you look back and realise you are perfect- as you are right now.
In terms of relationships, if you don’t think you are worth anything , there is absolutely no reason for another person to think so either. Build yourself up, then go into a relationship to give love and meet each others needs, otherwise you are setting up a foundation for ruin; so it appears right now. Learn to love yourself first.
If you take a step back- “who taught me to put such influence on people” from your partner : it looks like he’s manipulating and projecting what he’s doing onto you- if you have a look, it is him who says you are putting influence on “people” but look what he’s doing to you. Your parents saying you have no value; you probably have gone through a tough upbringing. Nothing anyone does is but a reflection of how they feel about themselves and what they were taught as children. They probably had the same type of childhood and knew no better. Bad parents are a horrible thing, but they do teach things- your values and what’s important to you and what you value in a parent. Move on from this, focus on yourself and make sure to never impart any of these bad treatments on your child.
Everyone is born into the world for a reason. Your reality is in yourself- don’t let anyone change that. Find the truth in yourself and make the world a better place. 🙂
July 17, 2018 at 7:56 am #217227AnonymousInactiveDear Anita
No I don’t think she will have the key. She also says I will visit her, here.
I don’t know to be honest, it will be better because I will not be bullied and put down everyday. But I still sabotage my relationships by being aggressive and scaring people, just what she does to me. so what if there’s no escape?
Dear Jason,
I read your post couple of times to understand correctly. Thank you for this. I try to not do wrong things but all I do is exactly – trying to not be wrong. It’s very hard. I almost never see anything right. Everything I do I see myself as a bad person, or that my mother would do the same. This being aggressive, being mean, reserved, also being intrusive and obsessive – because this is how she showed me her love, being too much or giving nothing at all. Behavior I was taught and shown, and I can’t give anything else to anyone because I never seen anything else. It’s a vicious circle. I know you can say there are a lot of patterns to how to act, in friends, in movies, or general truths, and I know them but I can’t act on them because I simply cannot do a simple thing like staying at someone’s house for the night and I can’t explain why.
July 17, 2018 at 8:32 am #217243AnonymousGuestDear joanna:
You don’t think she will have the key- meaning it is up to her? I don’t understand. She also says that you will visit her here, meaning it is up to her to visit you or not and where to visit you?
anita
July 17, 2018 at 8:46 am #217251AnonymousInactiveDear Anita,
No, it sometimes sounds different in my language when I translate it so sorry about that. I meant she will not have the key, she understands why I want to move out. Also no, not up to her, we had a conversation about it and I stated many times that I don’t feel at home here and I want this new place to be mine only. She knows that. Also about me visiting her – I meant that it is clear for her that it’s not going to be a situation where she comes by whenever she likes, she knows she stays here and she is afraid I will never visit her, so she says sometimes that maybe I will leave one cat here so that I would have the reason to visit. I hope it sounds clear, sorry again.
July 17, 2018 at 8:54 am #217257AnonymousGuestDear joanna:
You made it clear, thank you. Clearly, moving will be an improvement. And an opportunity for you to heal. Like I shared a little while ago on another thread, healing will probably not be complete, you will not be the person you would have been if you weren’t hurt as badly as you were hurt, but a whole lot of healing is available for you, as it is for every living thing in nature.
When you move, if you move, it will be a beginning. You will still feel a whole lot of what you are feeling now, but you will have a chance to feel better over time. As it is now, you “don’t feel at home”, “never felt at home”, and you are “bullied and put down every day” (your earlier post today). Moving out is necessary then.
anita
July 17, 2018 at 9:21 am #217267JasonParticipantThe escape is to not follow the same patterns anymore, find works online to answer your questions; how to maintain good relationships and how to deal with toxic people. It is up to you to break out of the vicious cycle. If you have any chance of breaking out of it, you need to not make excuses and put your foot down.
July 17, 2018 at 11:17 am #217303AnonymousInactiveDear Anita
I know, I thought this through many times and I know this is my chance. I’m only afraid of being in a completely new city.
Dear Jason
Thank you, I’ll find some articles or videos about that. I try to read a lot, but it overwhelmed and saddens me very often and I can’t.
July 17, 2018 at 1:15 pm #217327AnonymousGuestDear joanna:
There is a movie I watched when it came out many years ago, 1984 I think it was. That was before you were born. At the time I lived in the country where I was born and I really wanted to get away from my mother. It was that movie that gave me the courage to leave the country and travel by myself, with limited money and no arrangements to live in any other country.
I made it in 1985, at 24 I left and traveled by myself through two continents and was on my way to healing, only I went back to my mother again and again, traveled back thousands of miles to see her, to be with her, again and again, and then she traveled to the new country where I lived. Any healing I have done, any new and all new beginnings were undone because I still had her in my life.
But the movie was the big push in the right direction. Maybe, just maybe it will encourage you too, maybe you will feel the courage that I did. The movie is The Never Ending Story (the original). If you watch it, pay attention to the symbols in it, the symbols of what I call the healing path, or the healing journey.
anita
July 18, 2018 at 1:50 am #217381AnonymousInactiveDear Anita
Okay, I’ll watch it today in the evening. Thank you. She keeps saying I don’t like her, and I want to move out from her, that I’m scared of her, and “just move out already and you’ll be happy without me”. she says this without realizing, I don’t know how to explain it, she thinks from her perspective. she doesn’t realize I am in fact scared of her, and instead of changing it right now she makes me feel guilty that I’m a bad person because I don’t like my own mother and I’m scared of her and want to move out, what a bad child I am. that doesn’t help. makes me feel really guilty when for past months I was a bit excited about this, now I feel more and more anxiety.
I can’t sleep at night, I wake up every hour or half an hour with my body all hot and wet and my heart racing. I’m scared. It’s since Saturday, since that last meeting with that guy, I don’t know if it’s what he told me or what has happened or this moving out. I can’t calm down and lost weight already because I can’t eat. Anita thank you for being here. I always consider you to be wise and calm, I don’t know if you are always calm, you used to tell me you still have some anxiety sometimes. But I always feel you manage it so well and I can’t even deal with one panic attack which happens for the hundredth time. You wrote you moved out but you kept visiting your mother, I never knew that. Could you tell me more about that please, of course if you feel comfortable. You always seem so strong and so perfect at dealing with everything and I can’t even compare. I hope you understand correctly.
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