I would like to elaborate more on the story and how i feel right now.

She would claim that i am abusive and controlling as every time we argue she would want to leave . She would threaten me and use uber app to book a cab. I tried stopping her and she would call me controlling because of that. There’s one incident where I had enough.

we were in the shower and I tried to turn the heater up cause she was complaining about being sick and the water was too cold. As I was adjusting it the water started turning cold so I twisted the handle around to try and fix that she started getting angry at me and that was when I lost it all the months of emotional abuse and blaming me for and telling me to choose between her and my dreams. It got to me that I wasn’t happy . I threw things around and I became very impulsive I accidentally threw her phone out of impulse and she started saying you are the worst person I’ve ever met you are trash.

I tried to harm myself after that punch myself telling her I am sorry I realised I lost my dignity my sanity and again out of impulse I told her to punch me and used her arm (which she went through surgery post accident ) and punched myself resulting in her feeling pain and caused some swelling . She labelled me an abusive boyfriend after that and told her family members about me being abusive.

I tired so so hard to take care of her and put her before my own happiness, sanity and wellbeing. That’s how I feel now like I’ve wasted so much energy trying to please her but what about me? What about what I want to do. What about my happiness? I’m miserable because for the most part I can’t date I can’t go out on dates . Those memories are associated with her and I don’t see myself ever being in love again. I’ve given so much and lost so much of myself and what I fought so hard to achieve that stability . Being a good student. Being healthy active and I started smoking again .

I want to be better but it’s so hard for me to carry forward knowing I have made this mistake once again . It hurts and the blame is on me for letting that happen. For letting someone control what I do and the hardest part is her ego is so up there that I can never get through to her make her think about what she did. And how my actions subsequently got affected because of that

i just want this to stop