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Traumatic breakup and trouble moving forward

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  • #221875
    Kenny
    Participant

    Hi guys i am new to this forum and would like to get help from anyone for what I am currently going through.

    My ex left me after a year of really toxic relationship. Now I am in a position where I have lost everything including my apartment and studies. I am staying over at my friend’s university dorm and risk getting evicted any minute since I owe the management a decent amount of money.

    Here is what happened to me. I met my ex through dating app and at the time I was still friends with a girl I was dating for 2 years. I fell really hard for her and as soon as I knew that I told my friend that we can be friends but cant be as close as we once were. She did not take it well and would constantly tell me that I’m no longer the same with her and that i do not care for her as much as. I used to. That made me feel extremely bad and out of pity I continued treating her like a close friend getting her food and making sure she is ok since she had a lot of resits exams and stress. My ex found out and called me a cheater, a liar.

    after that our relationship was never the same again. I started finding out more about her. She would complain about everything I do . Drinking cold water at night. Taking shower at night . Petty things. I ignored it cause I loved her so much. After awhile she started asking me to choose between powerlifting which is my hobby still to this day and her. I told her it’s my dream and that it’s not fair for me to have to make such choices. She left me after that and since I loved her so much I told her i was going to quit it altogether. She took me back and a week later I told her look. I felt like a big part of me is lost because I made this decision what should I do? She told me to go away and don’t ever bring this topic up for discussion.

    So for awhile I quit what I loved doing the most and was miserable. One day I stood up to her and told her that I want to do what I want and she started calling me names and broke up with me again. Shortly after she came back to me and told me that she will not care about what I do in life anymore. Do whatever I want but don’t expect support from her. She also told me that she loved me less.

    Back when we were dating she would always be around at my place . She would constantly stay over and for the first few months i would neglect my friends and skip gym sessions. After awhile I realise don’t I was unhappy and I would tell her I want to hit the gym only to get told no if you value me you will stay I want you here so i don’t care. If you go I’ll leave. I didn’t want her to go so I would skip sessions tell myself it’s for the better.

    Through out this whole time I was spending money on going out with her it got to a point where I had to sell many of my belongings just to keep up with her lifestyle.

    There’s a lot more to this story but that does not matter. What matters is this relationship has broken me so much . I sleep on the floor . I am currently looking for a job to pay off my debt and went to psychiatrists for help. I attempted suicide twice through overdosing of sleep medication. I know what I am suppose to do but it is just so tough for me to get my self back on track. All the memories , she was my first for so many things and it broke me to a point of extreme depression.

    I want out out this mess and I’m struggling knowing that all the sacrifices I have made for her were for nothing. Instead she would tell me how much of a horrible person I am.

    I feel like a burden burden to those around me and my parents will never understand what i am going through all they will do is criticise just like my ex did and tell me how worthless I am

    #221899
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Kenny:

    There are three people you should not turn to for help: your parents because they have suggested to you repeatedly that you are worthless (“all they will do is criticize… and tell me how worthless I am”) and your ex girlfriend because she mistreated you badly.

    From your descriptions, your girlfriend’s “love” was not love at all. It was her exerting power over you for her advantage and your disadvantage. She was about having power over you, not about loving you.

    One day soon enough you will be involved in a loving relationship with a woman able and willing to love you, a woman who will have your well being on her mind, no less than her own. Until then, this is now your time to recover from your latest devastation.

    It is now time to be very gentle with yourself, and very patient with the process of taking one little step at a time to make your life better. The discomfort you are in is temporary. Make it better this next hour, this very day, and then even better tomorrow.

    From as calm as mind as you can muster, make a plan, a practical plan. You are welcome to share this plan here and post anytime you would like, sharing your thoughts and feelings through the process of making your life better.

    anita

    #221901
    Anonymous
    Guest

    * didn’t reflect under Topics

    #221921
    Kenny
    Participant

    I would like to elaborate more on the story and how i feel right now.

    She would claim that i am abusive and controlling as every time we argue she would want to leave . She would threaten me and use uber app to book a cab. I tried stopping her and she would call me controlling because of that. There’s one incident where I had enough.

    we were in the shower and I tried to turn the heater up cause she was complaining about being sick and the water was too cold. As I was adjusting it the water started turning cold so I twisted the handle around to try and fix that she started getting angry at me and that was when I lost it all the months of emotional abuse and blaming me for and telling me to choose between her and my dreams. It got to me that I wasn’t happy . I threw things around and I became very impulsive I accidentally threw her phone out of impulse and she started saying you are the worst person I’ve ever met you are trash.

    I tried to harm myself after that punch myself telling her I am sorry I realised I lost my dignity my sanity and again out of impulse I told her to punch me and used her arm (which she went through surgery post accident ) and punched myself resulting in her feeling pain and caused some swelling . She labelled me an abusive boyfriend after that and told her family members about me being abusive.

    I tired so so hard to take care of her and put her before my own happiness, sanity and wellbeing. That’s how I feel now like I’ve wasted so much energy trying to please her but what about me? What about what I want to do. What about my happiness? I’m miserable because for the most part I can’t date I can’t go out on dates . Those memories are associated with her and I don’t see myself ever being in love again. I’ve given so much and lost so much of myself and what I fought so hard to achieve that stability . Being a good student. Being healthy active and I started smoking again .

    I want to be better but it’s so hard for me to carry forward knowing I have made this mistake once again . It hurts and the blame is on me for letting that happen. For letting someone control what I do and the hardest part is her ego is so up there that I can never get through to her make her think about what she did. And how my actions subsequently got affected because of that

    i just want this to stop

    #221923
    Kenny
    Participant

    To add More on that . She would constantly ask me why are you sulking I don’t want a negative person in my life and I would tell her it’s because We never talk our problems out ego aside and hear each other out solve it as a team. She doesn’t understand that sure I was the one who lied to her first but subsequently she abused me so much and I tried so hard to put up with it. I wanted nothing more to make things work but she would be so ignorant that she does not even realise how much of pain she is causing and how much fear I had for her . That she was going to make me feel horrible for going after my dreams. For carrying out daily tasks the way I want . To live life on my terms.

    #221933
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Kenny:

    Often an abusive person blames the one they abuse for suffering the consequences of the abuse. It is similar to this example: the abuser punches you in the face and then blames you for having a bruise/ black eye.

    She abused you and then blamed you for sulking. Same thing.

    A misconception: often the abused thinks that because they got angry at the abuser and reacted angrily, that it means they were abusive too. The truth is that it is impossible to not get angry when mistreated. Anger is an automatic feeling that follows mistreatment. When we are punched we get bruised and we get angry. Both.

    Often enough the one abused reacts with abusing the one who started the abuse, and relationships are just that, mutual abuse. Thing is, better exit it ASAP.

    From your descriptions she is an abusive woman, no doubt. It doesn’t mean you are or were perfect, no one is. But she was the one in power in the relationship and you were the one submitting to her power. Not perfectly submitting, not a perfect victim. But that is not what you should have been… a perfect, quiet victim. You shouldn’t have been a victim at all, quiet or.. rebellious.

    She has been invested in blaming you for everything, including her initiatives, her actions. You took on her blame, believed it. This is a hallmark of abusers: blaming the abused. Abuse keeps going because the abused believes he/ she is at fault.

    Please end and keep all contact with this woman in your past. Remove all abusive people from your life, whomever they may be. Place your well being as your top priority, and focus on getting your mind and life to a better place, starting now, starting today. Post again anytime. I will take a two hour break or so and be back to the computer then.

    anita

    #222027
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Kenny:

    I want to re-read and rewrite what you shared. It helps me to process information when I do that. My purpose is to see if I can learn something new about your situation.

    You are currently staying at a friend’s university dorm, sleeping on the floor, being in a situation where you might get evicted any minute. You owe the dorm management money. You are no  longer a student there. You started smoking again. You have no support from your family who is in the habit of criticizing you and giving you the message that you are worthless.

    A year ago you met a woman and started a relationship with her. While in that beginning relationship you were still friends with an ex girlfriend who pressured you to “continue treating her like a close friend getting her food and making sure she is ok”. Your new girlfriend found out about that and called you “a cheater, a liar”.

    Your new girlfriend then continued to complain about anything you did, including such thing as you choosing to drink cold water at night, petty things. Then she pressured you to no longer go to the gym, and to quit powerlifting, your hobby, threatening you to end the relationship with you if you didn’t accommodate her, so you accommodated her, but were unhappy doing so. You stood up to her twice and each time she ended the relationship with you, calling you names the second time she broke up with you. You responded by accommodating her and she resumed the relationship with you. While in the relationship you spent money on dates, so to “keep up with her lifestyle”, money you couldn’t afford spending.

    You are struggling with “knowing that all the sacrifices I have made for her were for nothing”, all sacrifices ending with her telling you “how much of a horrible person I am”, accusing you of being “abusive and controlling”. She also accused you of sulking and being “a negative person” in her life. When the two of you argued, she threatened to leave. When you tried to stop her from leaving she accused you of being controlling.

    At one point she was angry at you when you tried to fix the water so that she will have the hot water she wanted when taking a shower. You in turn “threw things around… accidently threw her phone”, and she proceeded to tell you that you are “the worst person” she’s ever met and that you are trash. You then apologized to her, then told her to punch you and used her arm to punch you. That caused her arm to hurt and swell because of an injury she had before. She then told you that you are abusive and that she told her family that you are abusive.

    You wrote: “I tried so so hard to take care of her and put her before my own happiness, sanity and wellbeing.. wasted so much energy trying to please her… I’ve given so much and lost so much of myself”. You blame yourself for “letting that happen. For letting someone control what I do”. And you wrote: “I can never get through to her make her think about what she did”.

    Now my input: this woman has been cruel to you. This is easy to determine. The fact that you broke her phone and hurt her arm doesn’t change the fact that she has been repeatedly, relentlessly and unapologetically cruel to you, never expressing an intent to stop her cruelty toward you.

    Your parents sent you the repeated message that you are worthless,  so you naturally believed them. When you then entered the dating world, this belief was right there. You allowed your ex girlfriend to determine your actions because you were afraid that not accommodating her would mean that you are indeed worthless and a bad person. You then proceeded to accommodate the new girlfriend, believing that if you don’t, that would mean that you are indeed worthless and a bad person.

    Reads like the ex girlfriend was desperate and so she wanted your attention. The new girlfriend had the added cruelty to her. Accommodating a person who is cruel to you is of course a bad, bad idea. You don’t change a cruel person by accommodating their cruelty. When you do, you are in for more and more of that cruelty.

    It was a bad idea to accommodate the ex girlfriend because it was not for your benefit. You have to consider your benefit, your well being, your sanity and not compromise these things so to benefit another.

    Back to your parents’ message that you are worthless, the message you believed (we believe our parents, naturally, no matter how wrong they are, or how cruel)- this is your core belief, a belief that will continue to harm you in your future relationships and in life. Got to examine this core belief and change it to what is true. Best place to do this is in psychotherapy and I hope such is available for you.

    When a child is stuck with a cruel parent, there is nowhere for the child to run, no way to end the relationship with the cruel parent, so the child does all he can do to change the parent, to prove to the parent that you are a good boy, hoping that way that the parent will be good to you in return.

    I think this is what you did with this most recent girlfriend, the cruel girlfriend, trying to prove to her by accommodating her cruelty, that you are a good person, so that she will realize it and be good to you in return.

    It is a repeat, seems to me, of the child-parent relationship you had/ have. Got to examine this relationship, resolve it, so that you can move on, no longer trying to accommodate cruel people but avoid them altogether. And so that you will no longer try to accommodate people, cruel or not, when it is to your disadvantage.

    I hope you post again with your thoughts and feelings.

    anita

    #222105
    Kenny
    Participant

    Dear Anita:

    Thank you so much for taking your time to re-read my post and replies and replying to them. They have helped me in terms of letting go even though it is hard. Now to reflect on it here is how i am as a person.

    I am naive, i see the best in people even when they hurt me consistently.  No matter how much i have been hurt by my ex but what stops me from moving forward is that she i see the better side in her.  She mistreated me consistently but she also brought me a lot of happiness, good times, good memories things that changed me for the better. Those are also the reasons why i refused to let go and give up on her because even though the relationship was so destructive a big part of me really hoped that through words i can get through to her that she was not kind to me. But instead i would get insulted back and told that i am abusive i am controlling.  After a really rough break of our relationship i shared with my friend about what happened. i told her and was honest about me going to my friend for advice and confide in them.  Not only did she get angry she said unforgivable things to me. Back then she used to break up with me almost every other week and i would tell her i can not take it its torture i want to end my life. I wanted her to know how painful it was to go through this and talk to someone who simply refuses to hear me out. She told me i am weak for going to her to confide and i am weak from having suicidal thoughts. She told me if i really want to do it i should go ahead and jump. That really showed me who she truly was.

    I was afraid of her because how she treated me was exactly how my father would treat me, abuse and out of fear i would hide the truth from her. Avoid telling her things even if it really was not such a big deal. Because i was afraid , afraid that she would belittle me she would tell me that i am someone who is trashy useless. After a while the ability to confide in her was gone and i am the type of guy whereby if i ever get into a relationship the person i am with will be someone i share everything good or bad with. Because my parents never gave me the ability to do that. I expected her to be judgement free to stick by my side through both good and bad days. But instead she would tell me be happy by yourself , only then can you come to me cause i can not deal with your bullshit( excuse my language). That really struck me. I tried to explain to her why i confide in another female whom i do not know in person. Whom i met online long time ago. Because i wanted someone to just listen and most importantly i wanted her to listen to be judgement free and hear me out for once. Instead of automatically jump to her own defense and brush off every single hurtful thing she has done. She made me question whether i was insane or not for calling her a control freak and an emotional abuser. Because she would tell me when i confronted her multiples times that she believed in it for a second only to brush it off and tell her self that i am not like that. I do not know how to fix this and it is far beyond fixing since the person that i tried so much to rely on can not even recognize her own mistakes.

     

    She would tell me after the break up that she learnt not to trust people easily and that was it. How can someone who has abused other so clearly blame the other person for their own doings? For starting the arguments the complaints and how can you expect someone to tolerate such behavior. She used to tell me that if i had known you had this dream and want to continue pursing it i would have never been with you. she also told me that her cousin’s husband would say nothing when she gets angry at him and that when she gets angry at me i will rebel and say mean things to her and ask me why can’t i be more like him.

     

    I really do not know what to do cause i know her and because of our arguments i went to a psychiatrist to get some help. The psychiatrist told me that you should bring your girlfriend along to the sessions cause it is clear that she has some issues on her part to fix as well. I told the psychiatrist no, i know her she would refuse change and blame me and the only thing to do is work on myself to be a better partner for her. I truly loved her unconditionally even with the abuse and the insults. I wanted things to work and i do blame myself as you said for not being able to give up on the thought of that.

     

    #222109
    Kenny
    Participant

    she would offer me money to pay off my rent and i would tell her it is not about the money it is about the fact that i deserve appreciation for the things that i have done for you. Simply thanking me and then go back to mistreating me and bossing me around is not how appreciation should be. She would tell me that if it is all about money she has tons and she dishes out cash just like that and it sounds so ignorant and just plain insensitive. It is that ignorance of not knowing what she did wrong and not being able to figure out who is at fault that drove this relationship to its end and she would never ever understand that. You simply do treat someone who cares for you unconditionally at their own expensive like that. She had her period during the week of my competition and i had no choice but to go to the gym on a monday. On the sunday i sent her home, she told me stick around after i am done with my things i will come and meet you. I said ok because why not. i wait there with nothing to do just walked around the shopping area and moved from coffee shops to coffee shops. After she got done with her things she told me she had a bad period cramp she asked me whats the plan if you want me to come over i can if you want me to go back i will. I said its ok just head back your house is five minutes away from here. i will finish up my things tomorrow morning and come to you and stay with you the whole day. She got angry and said i can’t take your bs and stormed out with anger ,called a cab and left. I was so in shock i did not know what was going on but at that point i was so used to it already that it did not hit me until later in the week that this is the type of girl i am with. Even when i would put her before me and i have tried so many times to tell her that i put you first. i put myself at a disadvantage to make sure you are happy i compromise for you she would tell me you are not doing enough.

    #222115
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Kenny:

    You are welcome. I was able to read only the first paragraph of the first post you wrote today. I will read the rest of that post, the second post and any other in about seventeen hours, when I am back to the computer. I will then reply to you. Please take good care of yourself!

    anita

    #222125
    Kenny
    Participant

    Dear Anita:

    Thank you for replying and sure i am definitely looking forward to your reply. Honestly i just do not want to feel like an insane person for thinking that i was victim of the abuse. as i mentioned above i confronted her before but she will always convince me that i am the abusive one and that i am completely delusional for calling her abusive and controlling this is where the guilt comes in and the self doubt and the question of my own sanity. Am i just delusional for thinking that she abused me and that i am in reality the abuser of this relationship and that i am really this monster she said i am? because i told the same thing to my friends and they told me she is the abusive one but she would go off and tell her family members that i abused her. This made me question whether i am just so delusional to a point where i am creating things in my head to make my self feel less like a monster.

    Thank you once again and i hope that through a third person’s point of view i can get a clear picture of the situation that i went through.

     

    Kenny

    #222173
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Kenny:

    You are very welcome. I will quote from you and give you my input:

    “She also told me that her cousin’s husband would say nothing when she gets angry at him and that when she gets angry at me I will rebel and say mean things to her and ask me why can’t I be more like him”- she clearly communicated to you here that she is the one In-Power, the Authority, and you are the subject of her power. And you shouldn’t rebel against her power, she said. This woman may be someone’s mother one day. Can you see the trouble her child will be in?

    “I see the best in people even when they hurt me consistently… I see the better side in her. She mistreated me consistently but she also brought me a lot of happiness, good times… I truly loved her unconditionally even with the abuse and the insults”.

    A child loves his parent unconditionally, truly loves the parent even with the abuse and the insults. A child who is stuck with an abusive parent (having nowhere to escape to), needing the parent so badly, makes believe that the abusive parent is a good parent, holding on to any thing that looks, sounds, tastes or smells good as evidence of love (a smile, soft voice, food served). The abused child, unable to feel fear all the time, enjoys breaks from fear and misery, those “good times”. The most abusive childhood has that “happiness, good times”.

    “I confronted her before but she will always convince me that I am the abusive one and that I am completely delusional for calling her abusive and controlling… Am I just delusional for thinking that she abused me and that I am in reality the abuser… this monster she said I am? … they (friends) told me she is the abusive one but she would go off and tell her family members that I abused her”

    I understand your confusion, I suffered the same kind for many, many years. It was very painful to live not knowing what is real and what is not: am I the bad person or is it the other person? It has been a long, long process of seven years for me, healing from this confusion. Too much to this process than I can attempt to write in this one post. I will be glad to share more as we continue to communicate, over time, if you are willing and able.

    For now I will say this: as far as this ex girlfriend is concerned you are not confused about this one thing: there was abuse in the relationship. Because you can’t tell who abused whom, best thing for you to do when there is abuse in a relationship, is to exit the relationship.

    If there is no abuse, stay in it. If there is abuse, leave.

    Your friends told you she was abusive. I did. You did. But you don’t believe it, not as long as she said she was not abusive. See, there is nothing I can say, or anyone can say, and it doesn’t matter how much you repeat the telling of her behavior to yourself and to others, as long as she didn’t say: yes, I abused you, you won’t believe that she abused you.

    The process, like I wrote, is long, tough and long, but if you engage in it and persist, you will no longer be confused one day, you will see.

    anita

     

    #222955
    Kenny
    Participant

    Dear Anita:

    Thank you for reply again,

    Over the course of these few days i have come to a decision that i am the negativity in people’s life. I am the negativity of my ex’s life, my friends and my family’s. I have let a lot of people down by making the wrong choices in life. There were times when i used to be able to overcome all obstacles and push through but not this time.

    I do not think that i can do this anymore and i appreciate you helping me out when i was in doubt but it is clear that this person got to me. My decisions in life got to me and the pressure, stress, hurt, pain and depression is getting to me.

    I am giving up and a lot of people have been telling me to hang in there but it is not easy anymore. It is becoming impossible.

    No matter how much they try to talk me out of my decision , it seems to me like my mind is set , i am sick and i am beyond saving in my opinion.

     

     

    #222957
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Kenny:

    You are welcome.

    You wrote: “I have come to a decision that I am the negativity in people’s life”. Well, there is at least this one exception: you are not the negativity in my life. And if I met you in person, it would be still true, you would not be the negativity in my life.

    For one, you are gracious, being appreciative, thanking me for my replies to you, this is positivity in my life. You write well and clearly, so it is easy for me to understand you, this is another  positivity in my life. And then, you teach me things, teach me more about my life, more about people, by sharing your innermost thoughts and feelings and life experience. This last one is a big positive for me.

    You wrote in your original post: “Now I am in a position where I have lost everything including my apartment and studies”-

    When you lose everything, a Beginning is all you have available for you. A Beginning can be a beautiful thing. I am not religious but I like Genesis 1. Here is how it starts: “In the beginning”, just like your life right now, in the Beginning.

    Next: “The earth was without form and void, and darkness was over the face of the deep”- just like you feel, darkness, sadness, hopelessness.

    But look at the beginning of the sentence, “without form and void”, this is what you need to do, void yourself of what you used to believe about yourself, become void of previous incorrect beliefs.

    Next, god said, “‘Let there be light’, and there was light. And god saw that the light was good. And god separated the light from the darkness”-

    what if you too said: let there be light, and with that light shining you can see what is true and what is not true. Seeing that will be good for you. It says in the quote  that light was good, and light will be good for you too.

    You can start from the Beginning and call this day your first day.

    anita

     

     

     

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