Dear Kenny:

Often an abusive person blames the one they abuse for suffering the consequences of the abuse. It is similar to this example: the abuser punches you in the face and then blames you for having a bruise/ black eye.

She abused you and then blamed you for sulking. Same thing.

A misconception: often the abused thinks that because they got angry at the abuser and reacted angrily, that it means they were abusive too. The truth is that it is impossible to not get angry when mistreated. Anger is an automatic feeling that follows mistreatment. When we are punched we get bruised and we get angry. Both.

Often enough the one abused reacts with abusing the one who started the abuse, and relationships are just that, mutual abuse. Thing is, better exit it ASAP.

From your descriptions she is an abusive woman, no doubt. It doesn’t mean you are or were perfect, no one is. But she was the one in power in the relationship and you were the one submitting to her power. Not perfectly submitting, not a perfect victim. But that is not what you should have been… a perfect, quiet victim. You shouldn’t have been a victim at all, quiet or.. rebellious.

She has been invested in blaming you for everything, including her initiatives, her actions. You took on her blame, believed it. This is a hallmark of abusers: blaming the abused. Abuse keeps going because the abused believes he/ she is at fault.

Please end and keep all contact with this woman in your past. Remove all abusive people from your life, whomever they may be. Place your well being as your top priority, and focus on getting your mind and life to a better place, starting now, starting today. Post again anytime. I will take a two hour break or so and be back to the computer then.

anita