Dear Anita:

Thank you so much for taking your time to re-read my post and replies and replying to them. They have helped me in terms of letting go even though it is hard. Now to reflect on it here is how i am as a person.

I am naive, i see the best in people even when they hurt me consistently.  No matter how much i have been hurt by my ex but what stops me from moving forward is that she i see the better side in her.  She mistreated me consistently but she also brought me a lot of happiness, good times, good memories things that changed me for the better. Those are also the reasons why i refused to let go and give up on her because even though the relationship was so destructive a big part of me really hoped that through words i can get through to her that she was not kind to me. But instead i would get insulted back and told that i am abusive i am controlling.  After a really rough break of our relationship i shared with my friend about what happened. i told her and was honest about me going to my friend for advice and confide in them.  Not only did she get angry she said unforgivable things to me. Back then she used to break up with me almost every other week and i would tell her i can not take it its torture i want to end my life. I wanted her to know how painful it was to go through this and talk to someone who simply refuses to hear me out. She told me i am weak for going to her to confide and i am weak from having suicidal thoughts. She told me if i really want to do it i should go ahead and jump. That really showed me who she truly was.

I was afraid of her because how she treated me was exactly how my father would treat me, abuse and out of fear i would hide the truth from her. Avoid telling her things even if it really was not such a big deal. Because i was afraid , afraid that she would belittle me she would tell me that i am someone who is trashy useless. After a while the ability to confide in her was gone and i am the type of guy whereby if i ever get into a relationship the person i am with will be someone i share everything good or bad with. Because my parents never gave me the ability to do that. I expected her to be judgement free to stick by my side through both good and bad days. But instead she would tell me be happy by yourself , only then can you come to me cause i can not deal with your bullshit( excuse my language). That really struck me. I tried to explain to her why i confide in another female whom i do not know in person. Whom i met online long time ago. Because i wanted someone to just listen and most importantly i wanted her to listen to be judgement free and hear me out for once. Instead of automatically jump to her own defense and brush off every single hurtful thing she has done. She made me question whether i was insane or not for calling her a control freak and an emotional abuser. Because she would tell me when i confronted her multiples times that she believed in it for a second only to brush it off and tell her self that i am not like that. I do not know how to fix this and it is far beyond fixing since the person that i tried so much to rely on can not even recognize her own mistakes.

She would tell me after the break up that she learnt not to trust people easily and that was it. How can someone who has abused other so clearly blame the other person for their own doings? For starting the arguments the complaints and how can you expect someone to tolerate such behavior. She used to tell me that if i had known you had this dream and want to continue pursing it i would have never been with you. she also told me that her cousin’s husband would say nothing when she gets angry at him and that when she gets angry at me i will rebel and say mean things to her and ask me why can’t i be more like him.

I really do not know what to do cause i know her and because of our arguments i went to a psychiatrist to get some help. The psychiatrist told me that you should bring your girlfriend along to the sessions cause it is clear that she has some issues on her part to fix as well. I told the psychiatrist no, i know her she would refuse change and blame me and the only thing to do is work on myself to be a better partner for her. I truly loved her unconditionally even with the abuse and the insults. I wanted things to work and i do blame myself as you said for not being able to give up on the thought of that.