Dear Ladybug:

What I brought up in my previous post was a thought, doesn’t seem like anything to be looked at further. There is no relationship in a man’s life more powerful than his childhood relationship with the parent most present in his life, usually the mother.

This early relationship leads the way to a man’s relationships with women. In June you wrote this about your boyfriend’s mother and his experience with her:

“she is the type of woman that loves to play the victim or loves to be the centre of attention and loves to feel pitied”-  reminds me how distant your boyfriend became when you were depressed and desperate, texting him fifty times or so.

“in return she throws horrible passive aggressive comments like daggers and sugar coats it with a smile or laugh”- unlike his mother, you are not passive-aggressive with him, never.

“(she) kicked him out of the house many times… used to shout and swear when he got homework wrong. She used to scream with so much anger that saliva would come from her mouth”- unlike his mother you are never aggressive with him. Even though at times you feel anger, you do not express it against him by aggressive behavior. Unlike his experience with his mother, he has safety with you, predictability. This may have led to his recent question: “you going to love me forever?”

“he has been programmed by his mother’s aggression at a young age that there’s horrible repercussions to failing” – again, no aggressive repercussions from you for anything.

“he has moved to 7 different schools and about 20 different homes. His mother has significantly caused inconsistency in his life”- consistency is what he needs and you are providing this for him.

“She pretends to be caring and giving but its only her amo to later use against (him)”- right here is why there must not be any aggression in the relationship with him, none at all, no matter what. It will take only once for him to lose all the benefit of your consistency before that one time. He must trust you to continue loving him, to continue to provide the safety he so desperately needs. Notice his recent question to you, “you going to love me forever?”- he is beginning to believe, that unlike his mother, you are not pretending, you will not turn against him later on.

What you are practicing with him, non-aggression, is possible and needed in every supposedly loving relationship. Seems like most people believe there has to be some aggression, fighting, arguing, that it is normal. But it is not true, relationship can be safe, non-aggressive and should be. This practice will make you a wonderful mother, never aggressive with her children.

What you practice with him is most valuable for you in your current and future relationship and it is most valuable for him. He is so very fortunate whether he knows it at any one time, or not.

Regarding your fears, I hope you continue to contain them, and that they will lessen because in practice, you really are doing what is right and effective in minimizing the chances of what you fear. I think he is getting to value very much what you offer him, what is so rare in the world, and that is love without the interruptions of occasional aggression. In my life I call it the “zero aggression policy”.

anita