Dear anita,

Deciding to cut all the ties with your mom was indeed a courageous act on your part, and I do admire you for it. I Wish you lots of happiness and success on your life path.

As you said all I’ve always been afraid of ending up “wasting” my life because of my mom’s mental illnesses…although it was difficult I studied  hard and got admitted to the best university of my country. I thought this may make her feel proud, but it didn’t.  She simply uses me as a shiny tool to brag about so that she can satisfy her own ego around others. Also although I’m not allowed to invite people over I have a couple of good friends who help to keep my spirits up…I thought it’d make my mother happy to see me happy, but I was wrong.

Nowadays me and my mother do not talk very much…I leave the house early in the morning and come home late at night. Most of the times she greets me with a bunch of sarcastic  comments, accusing me of disturbing her sleep, of being selfish and ungrateful, telling me how “fun” it is to have me around during summer vacations, insinuating that she wants me to leave as sion as possible. My father keeps telling me that she loves me, but it’s been a long time since I stopped believing that.

Most of the times I catch myself wondering how it must feel like to have a kind, supportive mother.

And what hurts me the most is that she wasn’t always as sick as she is now. I remember the days that she actually “cared” about me as her only child, cared about my health, about my studies, what I ate, etc. I even remember birthday parties and presents.

Now what is left of those days is a hole which is getting bigger and bigger year by year…a hollow which no degree of losing myself in my studies or hanging around with friends and family members can fill. Deep in my heart I know me and my mom’s relationship is never going to get better. Expecting any kind of improvement is just a false hope that I cling to simply because I’m too afraid of sinking.

Mary