Dear Helen:

You are welcome. Your recent post is a great post, lots in it and I want to respond to all that I see in it.

You stated: “I can already see that even if it is painful… I don’t feel like I am all broken”- the ending of this relationship hurts less, way less suffering for you than previous endings.

And the reasons for that: no guilt and no shame this time: “I don’t blame myself… I did my best given the circumstances. I don’t feel guilty and ashamed”.

It is shame and guilt that hurts the most.

There was no loss of control on your part, pride about not having lost control, not having done something that you would have regretted later: “I didn’t write an angry message or a hopeless one, I was proud of what I wrote and I know that I won’t regret it”.

You recognized bravery in you:”I was able to close the door of this relationship bravely”.

Pride in your behavior, acknowledging your bravery, these build the confidence you stated that you feel.

“this experience gave me the opportunity”- seeing a painful experience as an opportunity to learn is how you gain wisdom and function better in the future.

“this relationship was confusing because I didn’t know what I wanted from this… When you don’t know what you want, you don’t know what you are looking for”- excellent insight.

“I had always associated needs with selfishness, something that I learnt at a very young age”- you identified a false/ incorrect core belief: to need is to be selfish. Truth is, to need is human.

And what is it that you need? “clarity and honesty… (to be treated) respectfully… someone who claims his responsibilities for his acts”

You recognized the great value of social/ emotional support. You mentioned a book you read that helps you feel better, one correction, if I may, you wrote that you read in the book, if I understand correctly,  that there is “a perfect relationship” for you and that “everything is happening perfectly”- these are comforting words, yes. But they are not true and therefore they will hurt you later on when you find out that there is no perfect relationship and nothing really happens perfectly.

Improved, way improved, way better, but not perfect.

“I am kind enough with myself to accept the ups and downs, I am patient enough“- necessary ingredients for healing and functioning better and better in life.

A pleasure to read your post and hope to read more and more from you during the ups and the downs, wishing you ongoing and increasing clarity and peace of mind.

anita