Hi again Brandy,

It’s interesting to see how different people get into or relate to subjects where matters of mindfulness, self awareness and emotional intelligence are at the heart. I’d never really thought or looked at life or my part in life in this way before I started to need answers to questions and in my pursuit of that, opened up a Pandora’s box of insight and power I never knew existed. Maybe that’s the key with this stuff- some of us are aware of it through curiosity and need to grow spiritually and therefore apply it in order to make minor changes in our lives whereas others stumble across it through desperation, the reaction to life impacting events and the need for answers to make large course corrections. I guess you know my case- I’ve never done this before and hiding behind a mask of anonymity I just fired an arrow out into the dark to see what would happen. I’ve read a little of other threads and intend to do so more. 

I can relate to your comments about guilt. Do you think guilt is synonymous with regret? The guilt I feel is in the choices I’ve made and the hurt I caused (or contributed to) where my actions have directly impacted another person detrimentally. I notice the list of guilt  you feel is all related to personal interactions or relationships. Isn’t it the cruelest trick of life that the way we behave as younger versions of ourselves through ignorance and lack of awareness is rewarded with more guilt as we become more enlightened. The big challenge then is to rationalise what we are feeling, identify why and as you said to me, forgive yourself. But how can you ever forgive yourself? Surely the awakening and awareness has to be so strong to withstand any self doubt or challenge to the point where self forgiveness can only happen because you truly, truly believe that today’s version of you- the one you’ve spent a life time building and arming with tools of awareness and knowledge, wouldn’t do those things. The person who did those things doesn’t exist, it was a version of ourselves in construction that did them and we weren’t complete yet so how inevitable is it that there’s going to be an adverse effect. If we drove a half built car and crashed it because we didn’t fit the brakes yet, we wouldn’t feel guilty- we’d identify the problem, fix it and move on. 

I have some of those same guilts which have now grown into regret- mainly because today’s version of me hadn’t even been realised. I have a brother who is in his forties who committed an act in my life when he was 18 and I don’t have him in my life because of years of being unable to forgive- or at least confront. I have let important relationships suffer to the point where they don’t exist anymore- relationships that as a child gave me so much happiness and fun.

And parenting! Don’t get me started! I think if I try and wrap up the whole parenting guilt under one heading (which is near impossible) I would say ‘expectation’. The expectation I had of myself was higher and in not living out the dream, much sadness and sabotaging emotion and feeling has ensued. I expected better of myself and in that expectation, I have to know the reasons why and the antidote to the reasons why, I believe, will hold the key to my future happiness. 

You say you worry how your kids will judge you? Do you believe you have something to be judged by? Don’t you already know how they see you? What are you aiming for? What will be a satisfactory outcome of their judgement? Will only perfection do? You say you’re happily married- trust me (and I don’t mean to be presumptuous) but that alone is a huge part of how they will see you- in a very good way. You know, the other thing, and I wait impatiently for this day….is that our children will only ever truly understand how much we love them, sacrificed for them and just how big a part of who we are they are when they have children of their own. There’s just no other practical demo better than that!

I have been scathing of my parents for a period for things they ‘didn’t’ do for me but understanding what they did do is a massive counterbalance and a lesson I learned some time ago which makes me see them now with nothing but love, respect and admiration. I wouldn’t change my parents or any aspect of how they brought me up for the world- they did the very best with what they had, what they knew and they created a much better life for me and my siblings then we should have had. 

I was the eldest of four. Two brothers and a sister- the sister two years after me, the next brother two after her and the youngest double that gap (accident apparently). My father was a very hard working, working class man who took almost nothing for himself and worked tirelessly, all his life to provide for his family. He has very little social life as a result at 77 now but he is loved by everyone for his strength, integrity and humility. He is quite simply my hero. He was once a giant, a rock and was indestructible. On Sunday morning, I was over to see my daughter and so I offered to take him swimming. To see his now frail and ageing body where once he was muscular and strong, was so sad to see and an instant reminder that nothing lasts forever- nothing! But in that moment, I loved him just as much as I always have and to see him smiling and joking as we swam together is a memory I’ll never forget now. You see, my dad is a perfect example of how to be a dad. He took it seriously and saw it through to the end. My shame, that I didn’t do that- or at least not to his demonstrable standard, is that I had the audacity to be annoyed at one point in my life that I hadn’t been pushed academically by both my parents. But it wasn’t their fault- they weren’t academics and only knew hard work and honesty- I have felt at times that the potential I showed in early life wasn’t realised because I wasn’t pushed or directed that way by them. All that really matters in life are the interactions we have with others and how we treat those closest to us and that our wealth, at the end of our lives is a reflection on the quality of that. It doesn’t matter if we have a hundred friends or just a few close loving relationships, when we leave this world- that’s all we have. My mum is similar to my dad in that she worked hard but has suffered with depression at times and her life has been affected by it. She is loved too.

My early childhood was amazing- so basic and full of the right kind of memories. I was always active, adventurous and outdoors in all weathers. But I also got so much from the security of feeling safe and feeling loved too- a trait that has probably caused more problems in my adult life as I’ve tried to recreate it. Mid- childhood was harder, I struggled at times to truly fit in and did develop a little insecurity which has shown itself in later life too. Late childhood/ teens was harder still as I never really had focus on a future or a dream and just drifted into adulthood and hard work rather than intelligence to get by. I played lots of sports as a kid and as a family we spent so much time together and we were so close.  I look back on my childhood with fondness although I definitely recognise unchecked behaviours and mindsets from then in my adult life now which have caused problems for me. I don’t blame anyone- I take full accountability for how things are today and that is ok. I do hear you about how family dynamic changes with the invasion into the inner circle of spouses etc. It’s inevitable and it certainly has had a significant effect on my family. 

I would share the detail of the choices I now need to make on here but like you, the internet…..creepy! I’d be happy to share over personal email but probably prefer to keep off here. 

My daughter was 16 on Sunday and I went over to see her. I’d baked a cake for her and decorated it with sugar paste creations of gym related items including a version of her doing sit ups! She loved it and we have a lovely time- albeit only for a few hours. I’m tired of the infrequency and briefness of our interactions and it’s part of the choices comment I made.

Listen- last point…..earlier you said about guilt and things you did when you were younger. When I was younger (or even recently) I always believed I was going to live forever and things just didn’t apply to me because I’m living forever, there’d always be just loads of time and everything would work out and life would be great. It’s only very recently, relatively speaking, that I’ve realised that’s not the case and the thoughts I had in my ignorant and unconscious state were wrong. The actions- or inaction, I took because of that mindset are wrong and as I said I believe, they came from a place that wasn’t me- or not the me of today. So please don’t feel guilty for things you wouldn’t do today. Be grateful for your awareness and the chance to never do them again or maybe put some of them right. Awareness is a beautiful gift- but only if used responsibly. You have nothing to feel guilty about! I can tell you are a good person and you just need to remember that. Speak soon N

Ps- loving your sense of humour! ?