Thank you both for your replies. I really appreciate it.

There has been some progress in the meantime. I was feeling so eaten up by the guilt, it crushed my mental state. I couldn’t focus, couldn’t function. A and I had a fight over something stupid and I completely broke down. I told him what happened.

He was very angry. He said some hurtful things, which I understand. I am relieved that I spoke up because the weight has been lifted off my shoulders. Of course A and I are not together anymore and I think this is for the best. I need time to heal from everything that has happened, I do love him very much and I really wanted it to work. I’m heartbroken.. I’d love to call and say that I miss him, that I was always honestly in love but it doesn’t matter anymore. We’re both so hurt. It’s such a painful situation and I’m scared for what’s next. I know A will telling everything about me to anyone that wants to hear. This is very frightening. My city isn’t a village but it’s not that big either. There’s always someone who knows someone (if you know what I mean).

A has blamed me for everything, saying that I’m the reason he looked into my messages, that it was I who drove him crazy. I don’t think this is right..

I want to become a better person. I wish I could something for A. But I think I need to help myself first. I can’t erase my cheating, and the lie I told. I have been honest. But how do I live with this? How will anyone ever trust me again? What do I need to do to become good again?