Home→Forums→Relationships→Betrayal, guilt, gossip – I feel broken and lost
- This topic has 5 replies, 4 voices, and was last updated 6 years, 3 months ago by Anonymous.
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September 6, 2018 at 3:16 am #224461FloveParticipant
Hi and thank you for reading my feelings. Maybe you have some insights or advice, it’s very welcome.
I am completely lost, I feel empty and hopeless and I’m slowly sliding into a depression. I know because I’ve had one before.
Ive had a relationship with a man (let’s call him A) for over a year. We had dated once before but only a month before I went back to my ex. It wasn’t anything serious between us, we barely kissed. But going back to my ex was a mistake it only lasted for a few weeks. And months later I ran into A again, i apologized for what had happened, we started to hang out again and eventually became a couple.
We had an amazing time the first three months, I was head over heels. Although being honest, my mind wandered to my ex now and then. A knew my past and that I had had a very draining relationship before and that I was still on the recovery. Not smart of me to jump into something new, still processing. But I like A and he seemed too good to pass up on.
Some months into the relationship A went into my phone and read all my messages. There was nothing to hide or find. He confessed and I was really shocked. Angry, I did the same and I did find messages to a girl he used to date. Very flirty and going back into the conversation he also said a lot of bad things about me to her before we officially started dating. That I was weak for going to a psychologist to process my breakup, quite nasty things. We got into a fight, he said he was frustrated before our dating and didn’t care about the girl but he missed attention from me that’s why he flirted. I decided to forgive him and we continued.
After 6 months into our rship, I made a mistake. Saw my ex and we flirted, he tried to kiss me (didn’t happen). But we continued texting the next two days quite flirty. A went into my computer, read everything and went mad. I apologized but I was angry too, he had done the snooping again. I apologized and said to myself I would do better. So I did. I did everything, was very verbal about my love for him, booked a nice weekend, spent a lot of time, was very loyal, showed all my messages. For 4 months straight. I got angry one night, very angry because I wanted to go see my friends (my ex would be present) and A insisted I didn’t go. So I didn’t but I felt sad about it so I caused a scene. We made up and the next day I caught him on my computer reading all my messages again. I was so hurt, heartbroken. He had betrayed my trust again and I hadn’t done anything, I had been really good even. A week after that I broke up with him.
3 weeks later I called him I wanted to meet up, we talked and agreed to go on a date next week. However I went to a party and me and my ex ended up kissing and having sex. Still A and I dated and I didn’t dare tell him about what happened. I feel so incredibly guilty about this. We’re dating again and I’m hiding that this happened. I feel like a horrible person. A has also told all his friends about what had happened and they say that it’s normal he reads my messages, that he should be allowed to and that it is my fault he has done it, because I created the situation because I quit our dating once after a month (almost 2 years ago).
People are gossiping like crazy around me, judging me, telling people that I’m no good. I used to be very active on social media as well, in the past people have gossiped as well because of a previous relationship (I dumped someone who everyone thought was a great guy. He was but I wasn’t in love and had budding feelings for someone else). So people started saying I cheated (not true) and that I’m all kinds of things (because of the social media and a little succes in blogging). I feel very very very hurt about the gossip and bad reputation and that so many people seem to know so much about my life..I can’t breathe, it feels very suffocating to have people judge and be mean. watching and hearing about my every move. I don’t know what to do.
A has trust issues but he is a good person, I know he is and I love him. But I’m horrible, i’ve cheated by texting and I did something with my ex before reconciling with A.
I don’t know what to do anymore, I feel trapped and bad. Guilty, I don’t deserve anything. I just want to hide. Don’t know who I am anymore. I’m just miserable and a shitty person.
- This topic was modified 6 years, 3 months ago by Flove.
September 6, 2018 at 5:15 am #224473InkyParticipantHi Flove,
You think he hadn’t seen another girl in the short time you were broken up? It’s possible! No Guilt here! None! You were BROKEN! UP! You did nothing wrong! None!
The gossiping: Stay off social media for a while. Also, go to your most gossipy gossip friend and tell her “Everyone’s been gossiping about me and this is what really happened.” Make yourself out to be golden. Make stuff up. Throw in some other, more juicy and tantalizing gossip about something else that makes you look utterly boring. With all your other friends when they mention him, roll your eyes and say “I broke up with him because he was too insecure.” They’ll say, “But! but! but! You did this, this and this, and someone said that” and you calmly say, “So not true.” Then throw in some unrelated more tantalizing story that make you look boring and “A” pathetic in comparison.
When people are in the first year of a relationship, looking at their partner’s stuff reeks of insecurity, and they are ASKING for something to be found. And since it is the very start of the relationship they usually find it! Only old married couples leave everything open. Also, “A” wasn’t perfect himself, was he? He was guilty and so he assumed other people would be as well. Well, he got what he was looking for, so Karma on him.
Don’t look back.
Inky
- This reply was modified 6 years, 3 months ago by Inky.
September 6, 2018 at 11:37 am #224519AnonymousGuestDear Flove:
Your misdeeds do not excuse his. His wrongdoing, repeatedly looking into your messages, talking negatively about you to an ex and to other people, these are wrong on his part regardless of whether you broke up with him early on and went back to your ex and whether you flirted with your ex or not.
Clearly you are a conscientious person, you care about doing the right thing. One of the right things for you to do is to not be in a relationship with A.
To do right, to be fair and loyal you have to pay attention to what you do, think before you act, choose thoughtfully. One of the things to pay attention to and thoughtfully choose is who you associate with. A is not right for you to associate with. His friends who support his behavior are also not right for you to associate with.
The gossip you mentioned, is that limited to social media or do you live perhaps in a small town where you daily see the people who gossip about you?
anita
September 8, 2018 at 1:35 pm #224723FloveParticipantThank you both for your replies. I really appreciate it.
There has been some progress in the meantime. I was feeling so eaten up by the guilt, it crushed my mental state. I couldn’t focus, couldn’t function. A and I had a fight over something stupid and I completely broke down. I told him what happened.
He was very angry. He said some hurtful things, which I understand. I am relieved that I spoke up because the weight has been lifted off my shoulders. Of course A and I are not together anymore and I think this is for the best. I need time to heal from everything that has happened, I do love him very much and I really wanted it to work. I’m heartbroken.. I’d love to call and say that I miss him, that I was always honestly in love but it doesn’t matter anymore. We’re both so hurt. It’s such a painful situation and I’m scared for what’s next. I know A will telling everything about me to anyone that wants to hear. This is very frightening. My city isn’t a village but it’s not that big either. There’s always someone who knows someone (if you know what I mean).
A has blamed me for everything, saying that I’m the reason he looked into my messages, that it was I who drove him crazy. I don’t think this is right..
I want to become a better person. I wish I could something for A. But I think I need to help myself first. I can’t erase my cheating, and the lie I told. I have been honest. But how do I live with this? How will anyone ever trust me again? What do I need to do to become good again?
September 8, 2018 at 8:39 pm #224741PrashParticipantDear Flove,
Everyone makes mistakes. Guilt so long as it helps you in learning is helpful but after it serves that purpose you need to let go of it and focus on the present moment. In the present moment if you do the right things to yourself and to others, then you get back on the right path.
Give yourself time to recover both from the relationship with A and also from the relationship with your ex to whom you kept going back to. It is better to venture in to another relationship only once you are clear about what you want out of the relationship and after closure of all your previous ones. Else you may find the pattern repeating.
When you do things more consciously, more after reflection, the less external gossip is likely to affect you. The more you focus on yourself, the less what others talk about is likely to affect you.
Take care
September 9, 2018 at 6:27 am #224775AnonymousGuestDear Flove:
Let’s look at what happened: you had a relationship that ended, started dating A, nothing serious, went back to the previous relationship. No wrongdoing yet, on your part. Next, after A invaded your privacy by reading your messages, you matched his wrongdoing by invading his privacy, reading his messages.
You read flirtatious messages that he sent to a girl he used to date. Again, you matched his wrongdoing by flirting in person with the ex boyfriend and sent flirtatious messages to him.
Assuming A didn’t have sex with another woman while in the relationship with you, you outdid him with the following wrongdoing: “I went to a party and me and my ex ended up kissing and having sex”.
Next, A “told all his friends about what had happened”, bringing about gossip and a bad reputation for you. You expect him to continue this wrongdoing on his part, to be “telling everything about me to anyone that wants to hear. This is very frightening… There’s always someone who knows someone”. You didn’t match this wrongdoing on his part. He does not suffer from gossip or a bad reputation.
You asked: “how do I live with this? How will anyone ever trust me again? What do I need to do to become good again?”
My answers: notice the context of your idea of being trustworthy and good- you trust A as authority over trust and being good and you trust those who now gossip about you to be authorities over trust and being good. But your boyfriend does not deserve a superior status in these regards. His behavior was not good nor was it trustworthy. And the people who gossip, you don’t know how they behave, what they choose to do in their personal lives. Are they good and trustworthy? Not those who support A in reading your messages and not those who spread the gossip against you.
Who is the authority over being good and trustworthy then?
It is about you becoming that authority. And then, it is about you rejecting wrongdoings, not only in your behavior, but in others’ behavior. If you are in a relationship with a man like A who does wrong, it will only increase the chances that you will do wrong as well. So choose better. It is not doable to be a good person while being in a close relationship with someone who does bad.
Next, pay attention that you, the authority, approve of your own behavior. Over time you will build your trust in your own self.
Regarding the gossip, remember the thought: who is doing the g0ssiping? Do you respect them for being authority over good and bad?
anita
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