Thanks Anita for replying .

I don’t feel like I can end the marriage because although my husband only seems interested in work he depends on me a lot. He has an illness and needs special diet so I look after all that for him. I have actually told him if I was not here he would become very ill and he agreed. Also he has suffered depression and I feel he could easily slip back . He is good right now so I couldn’t even contemplate to hurt him or cause him illness.

i did make a special friend on the internet who helped me a lot who listened to me understood me and for 3 years was a huge support for me. We talked about nature, cookery , our families , politics , religion, everything and anything . He was 70 and has daughters the same age as me . My own dad died early enough as did my mum so I think I just reached out in grief. But now my friend has cancer and has to all extents and purposes disappeared . So lots of grief in my life.

I need a purpose really. Get some new routines going . I have a friend who I walk with . I could drive to meet my sister more. I just find everyone is too busy to bother anymore.

But it’s down to me too , to make more an effort. I know from reading here I’m lucky than some but of course no one can help how they feel inside . It scares me sometimes that I just wish I wasn’t here .

Thankfully I believe with some work on myself I can overcome this. Just need to try little by little