Thanks everyone for the answers. Thanks for listening!

Petal: Well, I sort of still have hope, but most of the moments it’s hard to believe things will be different. Maybe the sort of people I usually hang out with are abnormal but everybody seems to be super successful and it makes me super worse. 🙁

Anita: Thanks so much, I will wait for your message!

Patrick and Dave: Thanks for the words! I have been in therapy (on and off) since I was like 12… so long ago! I recognize that looking back I’m someone else completely different and much better. I have unloaded so much crap! It is kind of scary to think what kind of effed up I was! But I still struggle with this residual things (that are very very major in themselves, unfortunately). I mean, even after all this work, what is left is still quite a lot, so that reflects on how bad it was :/
It’s weird that I was always usually considered as someone who doesn’t follow norms or the social and that is something that always sort of made me proud. Unfortunately that also involved a lot of people pleasing in other ways, like trying to fight fights that weren’t mine or trying to be some sort of savior…

I sort of agree that it all starts with us but also remember nobody showed me attention whatsoever :/ Some would consider I’m lucky I didn’t experience the bad parts of this but it reinforces my sense of rejection. I’m not ugly or stupid or anything and it sort of baffles me. It puts me in a dark place when I think about it. I already have a hard time with not letting go and having that reinforced just messes me up a lot.

I have been trying to practice love with friends (like, just to believe when they say they like me, not to question it, etc etc). But depression is though, it’s hard for me to maintain friendships. It’s also increasingly hard to work because the demands on me are very high. Hence with I don’t think I can do academia — I can’t reconcile the pressure with the inherent knowledge I wouldn’t be happy in a small (teaching) institution