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October 16, 2018 at 8:30 pm #231403
NivParticipantAnita,
sorry for not coming here for weeks to reply to you. I have been sort of just brainlessly moving on with life and trying to meet my graduation deadlines.
I don’t think I have ever heard anything in that sense — of having something outwardly repulsive about me. I have never really received any feedback in that sense from my dates, in fact, many of them, despite only 1 date, have sent me messages to let me know they had no chemistry and/or that it wouldn’t work out for them. I’d say it’s 50/50 between that and ghosting.
I think my asexuality plays a role because when I tried to set up my profile as being asexual absolutely no one wrote to me. I think probably my nervousness about kissing or something might look like I am not into them or something. My friends have never said anything about there being something blatantly wrong with me. In fact there was one close friend who would get really upset with me for thinking it was my fault.
I don’t know what else to do. There are days I am more accepting towards being single for life. But most of it I just don’t see the point of being alive if I am meant to be alone (I think if I had family around, it would be a bit different). As I said, I wish I was brave, I just don’t see any point. I used to have such a strong religious belief and now I just can’t support myself off of that because if God or Universe exists, they clearly ignore and hate me.
September 30, 2018 at 8:37 pm #228331NivParticipantAnita, you are right, if I had that, it could have been the ideal thing for me except that it didn’t happen. I have been living on what ifs for so long that it’s just not productive for me to think like that. Reality is that I was all by myself then, and now my family won’t spontaneously combust into being great… I have to accept them as they are.
About the guides and all… yeah you might have a point there. The same is valid for people who repeat that “your guides just want what’s best for you”… maybe it’s just because they think that’s what their parents were doing for them…
But hey, how can I believe that Spirit Guides are good folks if they see my suffering and do absolutely nothing? I have been asking for a partner for LONG. And all I get are rejections, rejections, and more rejections, and no one to express interest in me…
September 30, 2018 at 10:57 am #228261NivParticipantAnita,
as a mother figure, yes. I did feel closer to my grandma (and an aunt, actually, as well, but it wasn’t super positive too, because I was never a priority at all to her). Particularly during my teenage years it was so obvious how my grandma knew me (particularly when I was doing something wrong) but my mom was completely oblivious to everything. I mean, this is somewhat true even to this day. I think my grandma even at 97 and not really in touch with me anymore is more in tune with me than my mom whom I talk to every day. She just does not know me!
No, I don’t understand why I never had the chance to have a relationship, long or brief, good or bad, with anyone. It destroys my soul. I think that having religious beliefs (the spirits, guides, etc) make it worse because then it sort of feels like a punishment, or that it’s my fault, or that I’m being ignored…
September 30, 2018 at 8:42 am #228217NivParticipantAnita,
yeah I am aware these are powerful statements, and also that they are nonetheless true. I have endured 30 years of this crap, I am tired, and I expected some justice (I believe in the Universe, and guides, and all that — but they seem to ignore me).
I don’t think the rejection I’ve been through is normal, particularly when I see how it goes with people around me. I saw my friends also go through the experience of online dating and they were not rejected by all the people they dated. While true that not all first dates become second, or a relationship, it definitely wasn’t 100% rejection. Not to mention the people they dated within the friend circle.
The 25 were the people I approached for dates/feelings sharing. I have liked way more people than that, but whom I knew wouldn’t work out because of whatever reason.
My opinion of rejection is true for my academia friends too. Super common to see people dating within the workplace, like the story I just told in the other post. High school/college was the same, so many couples among my class (they are still together!). Yet for me that never happened. Nobody ever looked at me as a potential anything. At least now I am respected and have friends because back then it was much worse.
When it comes to online dating I haven’t rejected people unless they had a couple traits that were unacceptable to me. But it wasn’t that often at all. I am not saying that all the people I went to first dates with (the 15) were a match, but I was willing to give them a chance if they were interested in me. I would have forced myself, sincerely.
About my childhood my grandmother wasn’t the enemy to me. I just wanted her love, and to be fair despite all this crap she did way more for me than my mom ever did. It sounds so absurd to write it, but still true! I think she was the only person that knew me and saw me, even though she only paid attention to my deficits/flaws and I didn’t get appreciated for the good parts.
It’s a catch-22, depression affects ability to care about academia which in turn makes me more depressed. To be fair that’s not the only problem with academia (the competition, the judgement, the uselessness of studies, how people can’t find jobs afterwards).
I’ve been on and off therapy (mostly on) for the past 18 years. I am definitely someone else from when I started but still with no light at the end of the tunnel…
September 29, 2018 at 11:40 am #228141NivParticipantAnita, here are answers to your questions:
1- to how many women did you clearly express interest in, in your life so far: ughhh, directly like declaring feelings or asking them out, I think I’ve expressed interest in 25 or so, if I count the guys as well (from earlier in life). I need to point out that for the longest time I didn’t think about dating that much, and whenever I was rejected I just sort of died a little inside but moved on. With online dating I sometimes got successful in getting dates (mostly people that asked me out) and I didn’t count them on the above number. Within 1 year I went to about ~15 dates, all rejections.
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2- Also, did you attend events or venues known as meeting places for lesbians? Yes, and most of my friends from outside the university are LGBT so my non-academic universe was very LGBT. Even the religious community and the volunteering activities I attend are full of LGBT folks. Let’s say there was no shortage of meeting LGBT people. Interestingly enough, many people I meet through my work are also LGBT, abnormaly. I just attract them haha. These last few months I have been more withdraw because I’m overwhelmed and need some time out (I just don’t have energy to invest in this anymore), but these past 4 years were well served in meeting people. Ah, and again, I did invest some time in online dating as well as I mentioned.
3-One more thing, if you would like to share more about your childhood, that toxic environment you mentioned, as well as your current relationship with your mother, if you have one, please do.
I grew up with grandma and mom. Dad wasn’t in the picture as he was married to someone else at the time I was born and afterwards didn’t really try. Grandma is borderline so she has always been verbally and emotionally abusive and saw me as the enemy for my mom’s affections, mom was like a friend, or a partner, or a sister but not a mom, she never really taught me anything at all (stuff like values or how to take care of myself) but it’s because she doesn’t know for herself either. Family always excused my grandmother’s abused by either minimizing or saying we just had to be patient because she’s old (she was in her early 70’s when I was a child, now she’s 97 and still the same behavior). My mom’s sisters and their families are not super healthy either. I am still getting to know my father’s side of the family that has other problems on its own but it’s different because I am doing so as an adult.I was a very angry child because I was neglected emotionally by my family (again, my mom couldn’t provide basics for me including even my nutrition, not because of money but because she also doesn’t really take care of herself in that way), didn’t have anyone else in my family with the same age as mine so I was pretty alone too. I didn’t have a lot of social skills and had to develop on my own. My mom doesn’t have any friends and also barely leaves the house so I didn’t have a lot of other kids to play with other than school where I wasn’t very accepted. I also was a lot smarter and school-oriented than other kids and it was difficult to form bonds because of that. I never fit into the culture of the country I’m from.
I live in a totally different country by myself so I only talk to my mom via facetime, but I do so quite often. We are more like friends than mom/daughter, she sometimes will listen to me but can’t/won’t provide me advice especially on very emotional matters. She complains a lot about my grandma (who also doesn’t behave like a mom to her) but I’ve been trying to cut it off, sometimes I try to explain to her all the things I’ve learned about life, to see if she wakes up and changes her reality too. I don’t talk much with other members of the family, just occasionally.
September 29, 2018 at 9:40 am #228117NivParticipantAnita,
I think you’ve got something, but when it comes to me there’s not just one reason or one layer, let’s say… it’s so weird that usually for people they have like only one reason why things don’t happen (if they fix that they are successful) but with me there’s just all the reasons and some of them are things I can’t fix. Maybe the point you mentioned is just one more of them.
Problems so far have included: lack of libido, fear of physical intimacy, not hitting off with most people, people not being interested in me in general, boring personality, not knowing how to flirt (and actively disliking it), not being white (when you want to date only white people, that IS a thing unfortunately), being overweight, being the female version of a Nice Guy. Maybe what you mentioned is just one more thing for this list.
Yesterday I went to a party with friends from uni, and this one girl tried to hook up with the other who’s lesbian and all… and she wasn’t interested in me at all… I mean, I wouldn’t do it anyway because that girl is married and that’s a huge no to me, but just the fact that once again I’m not even a choice just hurts too much. People are never interested in me in that way. I supposed it should be flattering that many people see me as a good person to talk to and all but that’s not what I need from life anymore.
That’s something I don’t understand… how are you supposed to feel positive when absolutely NO ONE that you were interested in, or that you tried to date in general, liked you. I mean, there were times I was satisfied about myself because I was at least trying, and also doing other things that generally were positive to myself, but rejection after rejection after rejection just destroyed me. It didn’t matter how happy I was with myself, people just didn’t want to be with me anyway…
If I am meant to live this life where I’m constantly rejected, I just wish I could die. I’m not brave enough to take my own life in a definitive way, unfortunately.
September 27, 2018 at 10:37 pm #227859NivParticipantTannhauser,
while I agree that there is a lot of BS when it comes to God/Spirituality/Religion, this idea that “spiritual but not religious” have mental problems while atheists or religious folks don’t is also utter BS. These days you can find studies that justify whatever you want to think. But look around you: your acquaintances, friends, family. Is that really true?
I don’t particularly believe in LOA (it all is explained by psychology) but to be fair, I have read some about it. I have no clue why people associate LOA with sitting around and waiting for something to happen. Like, seriously, that’s not what LOA says at all. In fact, from what I understand, if you want to fix your situation, you need to (1) want to fix your situation, (2) clear any block that you might have that stops you from doing it, (3) take action. Rewriting it in a logical, more psycholog-y way, it means: you didn’t want to feel depressed anymore, you were so decided about getting better that you went to a doctor, got your meds, and is following the treatment, which made you feel better. While I’m not saying that everyone with mental health are in a position to help themselves, you’d be impressed by how many people just won’t take action to improve their lives for any reason. This is true of SOOOOO many things out there.
That said, to me it explains why there are many people stuck with scammers and such: they are hearing what they want to hear! Doing inner work, knowing yourself, accepting the unacceptable, is SO HARD! And there are many folks out there willingly putting their power in those folk’s hands because they don’t want to do it (I am stating this, I don’t mean to judge their reasons at all).
Anyway, just my two cents. Spirituality is much more than believing in God or in some “magical” LOA, but to each their own. Good luck.
September 27, 2018 at 9:43 pm #227857NivParticipantPain, I just wanted to chime in with two comments:
1 – You are definitely not dumb. I seriously know some people with PhD’s that don’t write as well as you do. I’m serious.
2 – I wish I knew how to deal with abuse. I am in the same boat, trying to figure out how to move on and how to live with the past. Acknowledging what happened and facing my fears head on has helped a great deal, but the most vulnerable work that requires looking inside and being extremely honest with myself is super hard. I don’t know what kind of abuse you are referring to, but in my case, it was extremely necessarily to take distance from my family/abusers. After that, I could feel all I needed to feel (and still am feeling) and accept, just accept. I’ve been doing this for 5 years, and from what I gather here and in life, it is a life-long process. There’s no magical cure, unfortunately, but it does get better with time.
I wish you well!
September 27, 2018 at 9:37 pm #227855NivParticipantHi Lila,
I’m sorry to hear that you are going through this. I relate to a lot of your experiences, both in the past as an undergraduate and also in grad school. The first thing I wanted to say is that what you go through is serious, but unfortunately it is common that people feel like we don’t measure up, or that we are not up to par with other people. Particularly these days there’s just so much pressure! From ourselves, from peers, from society in general.
First about the incident: I’m sorry that happened to you. It’s not your fault! Did you report it to the police? Can your parents help in some way?
It might sound trite, but one of the things that definitely has helped me (and some of my peers) is to avoid comparison. We all want to be best at something, we want to stand out and particularly when we are younger, we try to derive our self-importance from our social position. It is common. But hey, the fact that they went to better schools doesn’t mean they are better, they just had an opportunity that you didn’t have. If they weren’t lucky enough to have had that opportunity, they might not have reached what they reached!
I would just advise for you to do things that make you proud of yourself. Not your friends, not your family, definitely not society. We all have limitations (anxiety can be incapacitating! and it’s real!) and we are also not given the same opportunities, so trying to fit someone else’s shoes doesn’t help, you just need to accept yourself and be the best student you that you can be! Sometimes it might mean to not be the top of your class or have the highest grades, but if there’s something else that sounds fake and cliché but it isn’t, is that grades are not everything. Pursue internships, or other work opportunities, they matter MUCH MORE than perfect scores. (IME: people who had all 100’s usually weren’t street smart and had more issues to find jobs, employers want people that can do the job, not take perfect tests)
September 27, 2018 at 6:23 pm #227843NivParticipantAnita, I think you are right that she triggers my mom anger feelings. I did clear a lot of other feelings related to her before I reached this state of mommy anger, but ultimately I think that’s what is there right now. It’s complicated also that I don’t really feel pants!feelings for anyone, and then this person shows up and I’m like “wow”… it just feels incomplete if I ever end up with someone that is great but I don’t feel this for them.
“There are many women who had terrible childhoods and yet they have romantic relationships, but their fear/ anger dynamic is different than women who don’t manage to have a relationship. They may be more fearful than angry, perhaps. Maybe their anger is turned inward on a regular basis, while yours often enough turns outward, toward other people, and it shows, keeping them away.”
that is very true, most women are able to have relationships despite all trauma. Some are even in healthy relationships. I don’t know… I consider myself to be super fearful apart from the anger. I don’t know if my anger sends people away because it’s more internally directed than externally (the external part is more recent I guess). Looking back the three things that have kept me alone were fear, the lack of sexual desire, and the unwillingness to settle for less than I wanted… I wonder if what I want is somewhat unrealistic… I mean, it shouldn’t be, but maybe it is (someone that works with me — or in the same field at least — who I feel sexual attraction for, that enjoys alternating between both an active and quiet lifestyle, and mainly someone that is involved with advocating for minorities/LGBT/mental health issues or at least is an ally).
Right now I’m also sort of stuck with having a therapist who’s not a good fit for me and having to try to figure it all out again is just so painful!! I think at this point she’s just damaging more than helping!
September 27, 2018 at 5:54 pm #227839NivParticipantHi Airene!
I think that trips me up is the “doing it” part… it’s sort of like — it sounds so foreign sometimes, like, what is it supposed to mean, to “feel happy with oneself”? The other part I guess I will have to admit is me not fully recognizing what exactly is wrong. Like, I can’t differentiate how I perceive my actions to look like from what other people do (it was blatant when I was younger but not so much now).
I think I’m getting there, but super slowly. One of the hardest things for me is to sit down and actually see that there are things I actually have done wrong, it’s hard/painful to see all the ways I crippled myself (in addition to what was done to me) because at that point I just didn’t know better. The other thing is actually to know what I like or dislike, because sometimes I just don’t know…
September 25, 2018 at 10:51 pm #227549NivParticipantThanks everyone for the answers. Thanks for listening!
Petal: Well, I sort of still have hope, but most of the moments it’s hard to believe things will be different. Maybe the sort of people I usually hang out with are abnormal but everybody seems to be super successful and it makes me super worse. 🙁
Anita: Thanks so much, I will wait for your message!
Patrick and Dave: Thanks for the words! I have been in therapy (on and off) since I was like 12… so long ago! I recognize that looking back I’m someone else completely different and much better. I have unloaded so much crap! It is kind of scary to think what kind of effed up I was! But I still struggle with this residual things (that are very very major in themselves, unfortunately). I mean, even after all this work, what is left is still quite a lot, so that reflects on how bad it was :/
It’s weird that I was always usually considered as someone who doesn’t follow norms or the social and that is something that always sort of made me proud. Unfortunately that also involved a lot of people pleasing in other ways, like trying to fight fights that weren’t mine or trying to be some sort of savior…I sort of agree that it all starts with us but also remember nobody showed me attention whatsoever :/ Some would consider I’m lucky I didn’t experience the bad parts of this but it reinforces my sense of rejection. I’m not ugly or stupid or anything and it sort of baffles me. It puts me in a dark place when I think about it. I already have a hard time with not letting go and having that reinforced just messes me up a lot.
I have been trying to practice love with friends (like, just to believe when they say they like me, not to question it, etc etc). But depression is though, it’s hard for me to maintain friendships. It’s also increasingly hard to work because the demands on me are very high. Hence with I don’t think I can do academia — I can’t reconcile the pressure with the inherent knowledge I wouldn’t be happy in a small (teaching) institution
September 24, 2018 at 4:18 pm #227325NivParticipantThank you Petal, for your words.
I don’t know, was your sister perpetually single before then? I have other issues that make me think that I might not be a fit partner (mostly mental health issues) so maybe I’m just being overly critical or something. But 85% of my peers have partners and the remaining 15% have had partners before. I’m the one that never got to be loved.
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