Anita,

I guess I can say that the sexual dreams I had about women were not quite the reason for this anxiety that was sparked about my sexuality. The dreams simply triggered a deep wound full of shame and confusion from childhood.

I have worked to forgive myself for the many things I did when I was younger, but still I carry the shame and fear and guilt and confusion for why I did these things. When I was 12-13 years old I sexually abused my sister who at the time was 2-3 years old.

Having done this to my little sister has been the greatest source of self hate and disgust and I think is the main reason for the depression / anxiety that I have experienced since then.

At the time of these events, becoming addicted to pornography, masturbating constantly, and engaging in those acts with my sister, my life at home was beginning to unravel and my mother and step father were getting divorced. I don’t justify my actions, but I think they were driven by the fact that I felt so alone, isolated, misunderstood and in need of some sort of love and connection.

I remember from a young age being very sexually aware, knowing what sex was and that it was a “taboo” thing. I was sexually abused at the age of 4 years old by my uncle who at the time was 15-16. He had me lay in bed with him and made me use my hand to make him reach climax. I remember the event pretty clearly, it is one of my first childhood memories, and remember knowing that what was happening was “wrong”.

At the age of about 7-8 I began to pleasure myself by humping anything I could get my hands on, I would often use my favorite stuffed animal, named Chelsea, I don’t know whether or not the fact that I used to hump my favorite stuffed animal who was a “girl” has anything to say about my sexual interests. This is something that I am just now considering.

That phase of trying to please myself sexually in any way I could, faded away as I grew up. I started to have crushes on boys in the 2nd grade, and 3rd grade, even considered myself as being in love in the 4th grade. I always showed romantic interest and having “crushes” on boys. My past proves I have always been inclined toward being with boys, that’s just what felt natural to me. Still feels natural, I guess I’m just extremely paranoid now that I’m over analyzing it now and any interest that I show in men now doesn’t even feel authentic.

Anyways, my little sister came along, and I was just so excited to have a little baby in the family. But I think I soon realized that it meant there would be less attention for me, and more focus on her. At this time my sexual drive started to kick in, I was 12-13 and I got my hands on a smart device and became addicted to pornography. Amongst watching straight, and gay porn, I also watched lesbian porn, which I know is actually quite common for girls to watch because of how sensual and intimate, and frankly at my age at the time, how taboo it is.

I had no parental supervision whatsoever so I spent a lot of my day just looking at porn and getting off to it. It was around this time that I abused my sister, she was 2-3 years old. I knew instantly that what I had done was absolutely wrong and I felt ashamed.

I carried that weight with me for a couple of years before I found the courage to share with somebody that I had done this, it was really weighing down on my life, I became depressed. I expressed this to my stepfather, and he was understanding and forgiving of me. I felt a sense of relief. At this point I was going into my freshman year of high school and the shame and pain of that experience fell away to the back of my mind because I was busy being a teenage girl, doing high school things. It didn’t bother me much after I told my stepfather.

It was at this time that the girl who had come out as a lesbian was showing interest in me, and as I mentioned in the early posts, I was aware my mom had been with a woman at one point in her life, she was very open with me about her life so I felt free enough to explore my sexuality with this girl. We kissed/made out once in high school, and in all honestly didn’t feel anything that felt like a sign that I was meant to be with women or that I even wanted to be with women. I tried it again in college with the same girl, kissed a few times and again that phase ended as soon as it started.

Well fast forward to now, and I think those dreams reawakened/triggered the shame of my past and confusion about why I did the things I did in the past, like watch so much lesbian porn and what happened with my sister. The past is constantly right under the surface and I experience so much shame for what happened that I think it has in consequence influenced the way that I interact with other women in my life, which explains why I’ve always had a difficult time making girlfriends. Whereas before I just didn’t like girls because of jealousy/envy, now I just feel uncomfortable in the presence of women because of my past, but my mind has manifested this discomfort as me being lesbian/bisexual.

Now my days are spent worrying about whether I am a lesbian/bisexual when in reality I have a feeling that I am NOT, because of the fact that I experimented with that girl a few times and didn’t feel that being with a girl is what was “right” for me and that being with men wasn’t what I wanted. I have taken it upon myself to find healing and have read The Untethered Soul a few times and it has helped me with being the witness of my anxious thoughts and mental loop about my sexuality. When I sit with these thoughts about my sexuality and I go deeper into them I understand that my confusion/anxiety/fear is actually coming from a deeper place, which is what I have just shared with you about my sister.

i know and understand the truth but sometimes I still get caught in the mental loop about being a lesbian because I’ve fed into it so much for the past 6 months that it is very powerful and emotionally charged.

Thank you for reading.