Dear Lluvia:

It is a mental loop, an HOCD mental loop is a good name for it. I communicated in the past with people having this strong HOCD loop and it was frustrating beyond belief, no matter how much sense I made to the person, the loop won, each and every time. The person sometimes agreed, expressed some relief, but soon enough the loop took over and he or she kept repeating the same old, same old, as if I said nothing. This is the nature of obsession, it maintains itself.

This is why the issue is not sexual orientation. The issue is obsession.

And obsession is fueled by ongoing fear, aka anxiety. What you described as your childhood is about being alone, unattended and that is the breeding ground for anxiety. You focused on experiencing sexual sensations from an early age because it was pleasurable. You needed pleasure in an otherwise distressing childhood.

I don’t think you mentioned psychotherapy, having attended any?

anita