Anita, here are answers to your questions:

1- to how many women did you clearly express interest in,  in your life so far: ughhh, directly like declaring feelings or asking them out, I think I’ve expressed interest in 25 or so, if I count the guys as well (from earlier in life). I need to point out that for the longest time I didn’t think about dating that much, and whenever I was rejected I just sort of died a little inside but moved on. With online dating I sometimes got successful in getting dates (mostly people that asked me out) and I didn’t count them on the above number. Within 1 year I went to about ~15 dates, all rejections.

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2- Also, did you attend events or venues known as meeting places for lesbians? Yes, and most of my friends from outside the university are LGBT so my non-academic universe was very LGBT. Even the religious community and the volunteering activities I attend are full of LGBT folks. Let’s say there was no shortage of meeting LGBT people. Interestingly enough, many people I meet through my work are also LGBT, abnormaly. I just attract them haha. These last few months I have been more withdraw because I’m overwhelmed and need some time out (I just don’t have energy to invest in this anymore), but these past 4 years were well served in meeting people.  Ah, and again, I did invest some time in online dating as well as I mentioned.

3-One more thing, if you would like to share more about your childhood, that toxic environment you mentioned, as well as your current relationship with your mother, if you have one, please do.
I grew up with grandma and mom. Dad wasn’t in the picture as he was married to someone else at the time I was born and afterwards didn’t really try. Grandma is borderline so she has always been verbally and emotionally abusive and saw me as the enemy for my mom’s affections, mom was like a friend, or a partner, or a sister but not a mom, she never really taught me anything at all (stuff like values or how to take care of myself) but it’s because she doesn’t know for herself either. Family always excused my grandmother’s abused by either minimizing or saying we just had to be patient because she’s old (she was in her early 70’s when I was a child, now she’s 97 and still the same behavior). My mom’s sisters and their families are not super healthy either. I am still getting to know my father’s side of the family that has other problems on its own but it’s different because I am doing so as an adult.

I was a very angry child because I was neglected emotionally by my family (again, my mom couldn’t provide basics for me including even my nutrition, not because of money but because she also doesn’t really take care of herself in that way), didn’t have anyone else in my family with the same age as mine so I was pretty alone too. I didn’t have a lot of social skills and had to develop on my own. My mom doesn’t have any friends and also barely leaves the house so I didn’t have a lot of other kids to play with other than school where I wasn’t very accepted. I also was a lot smarter and school-oriented than other kids and it was difficult to form bonds because of that. I never fit into the culture of the country I’m from.

I live in a totally different country by myself so I only talk to my mom via facetime, but I do so quite often. We are more like friends than mom/daughter, she sometimes will listen to me but can’t/won’t provide me advice especially on very emotional matters. She complains a lot about my grandma (who also doesn’t behave like a mom to her) but I’ve been trying to cut it off, sometimes I try to explain to her all the things I’ve learned about life, to see if she wakes up and changes her reality too. I don’t talk much with other members of the family, just occasionally.