Dear Colton:

It is a good thing that it was therapeutic for you to talk about the death of your father with your mother and sister. Maybe it was therapeutic for them as well. The word “therapeutic” means getting healthier. It will be a shame if you continue to get sick in this relationship you are in. Better exit it, prevent further deterioration of your mental health. Prevention is wise.

She is suspicious of you: “She became enraged and said I was being sneaky… She thought I colluded with my sister to get my sister to say something to her that would  in turn manipulate her… She thought it was strange how I liked to leave for work earlier than what she thought was appropriate. Made her think that I may be going somewhere else beforehand”.

She is angry at you: “She became enraged… She snapped at me… She began getting angry a lot at small things…She became very upset… She always gets upset… Through numerous times of getting angry”.

She abuses you emotionally (disrespectful, cruel, punishing, aggressive): “drove 80 mph to her house to drop me off at her truck and said she didn’t want to see me… she made fun of the way I initiate intimacy..You haven’t learned a new technique?’…You have weird genetics… taking it (anger) out on me… said my input wasn’t any good… she became louder and louder and wouldn’t hear me… lately it has been nothing but mean things being done towards me, judgments and the inability to do anything right, belittling”.

She abuses you cognitively: “I never really thought it was an issue but it is what she says may be the reason I am feeling so bad. She has suggested a few times that I talk to someone about it… she said.. the only reason I was upset was because my pride was hurt… I walked out of the room and she came out and said I was getting angry again”-

Reality is that she has a huge anger problem. When you understandably get angry following her emotional abuse of you, she blames you for having an anger problem. She explains your behavior in whatever way suits her with no regard to what is true. What suits her is to deflect personal responsibility for any wrongdoing on her part and place it with you. I call it cognitive abuse because you start doubting your own thinking/ your ability to evaluate people and situations correctly. You get confused, doubt yourself repeatedly and feel guilty.

She is dishonest, double standards: “She always gets upset when my friend who is a girl texts me once every two weeks… She communicates with three ex boyfriends and has a friend.. who texts her 15 times a day”

She is dishonest otherwise: “She has told me that her exes are aware that she is in a good relationship and happy”- she is not happy. The relationship is not good. I don’t know what she told her exes.

More of my input: the benefit of you staying in the relationship with her is that, if she continues to be focused on you, she will not be hurting another man a whole lot. You will be saving another man from getting hurt badly. If you stay with her and make sure she doesn’t get to be a mother, you will be protecting potential new life from getting badly hurt. That is all.

If you choose to extricate yourself from this relationship, you will need to do it cautiously. “there was physical abuse at one point in another relationship and there is a restraining order there”- that one point may happen if and when you try to end the relationship with her. You will need to plan such exit.

anita