Kkasxo,

Sorry for delay, I’m not being notified about replies so I’m only catching up now.

I hear you. I really do. It’s like the rug has been pulled out from underneath you. I felt too as if I was on course to the happy life I wanted and now I feel I’m back at square one. It’s difficult – a hard pill to swallow. I’m sorry you feel like you can’t trust anyone now. I think that’s a natural reaction though but it doesn’t necessarily last. In two years time, you might be a little more guarded but if you are able to work through your feelings now, I still think you will have the capacity to do so. The human spirit is unfathomable and I’m trying to believe what everyone says, that we will heal in spite of ourselves, it’s just the law of nature in a way.

I began taking anti-anxiety medication (low dose) a couple of years ago during our first split. In the past week, I’ve gone back to taking that dose. I don’t intend to stay on and my therapist is confident I won’t have to. But ye could see from my posts, the pain was overwhelming me, I felt it was kicking the s*^t out of me and I felt I couldn’t survive without that person in my life. So, I just felt, if this helps me out of the ‘fog’ a little, then I will be able to get a grip on things again. I do feel it’s working. Don’t get me wrong, I still have anxiety and I’m still absolutely broken -hearted, but it sort of has brought me back from the brink of having absolutely no perspective or way of coping.

I’ll be honest, I’m not a fan of medication and while I absolutely accept it helps so many people, I wanted to feel like I could cope on my own. But now I feel, if I hurt a part of my body and was laid up for a couple of weeks or months, I’d take the necessary medication, so I’m not going to beat myself up for taking medication to help me short term get over the emotional pain.

I will say, it’s been just over 6 weeks since the break and I miss him massively. But the fact I haven’t seen him means the memories of what it was like to be with him are fading somewhat. Okay, I’ve had contact, but the immediate withdrawal pain is getting a little fuzzier because I can’t remember vividly anymore when the last time he held my hand was etc. So I get the reason for the no contact rule, it’s to allow your brain go through withdrawal and lessen the craving because the memory starts to fade.

I’m trying to keep myself busy this weekend. Helping my friend mind her child and babysitting my sisters kids and hopefully get some exercise in too. I don’t feel like anything, I feel sad. But the time will pass anyway and I’m trying to figure out at the end of each day will I feel minimally better having done stuff all day, or sitting around thinking negatively and spiralling on my own. So I’m choosing the former.

Have you any plans this weekend? I know you don’t know me, but I’m known as a very trustworthy person. I hope you feel you can say anything in this space and there would never be anything but support and empathy. This is a vault!

Sending you all warmth today.