Most certainly. I see my identity there. But I feel drawn back to them. To some comfort or soemthing, some moral victory? I see the image of my brother and the better relationship with my father he had… there’s a strong drive to keep them in my life. Perhaps because, as im writing im realisng this, I came all the way here to Brazil not really knowing why, just that Brazil was good as it was close to my, at the time, ex. I have not yet “arrived” here totally. Perhaps I am using them as a sort of “get of jail free card”, or a backstop should it go wrong. I know, as I write this, that that backstop should be me. But, its a big step. I don’t understand actually how on the trip I managed to step out… what did I do that meant I could return to the city and feel as i did?

Naturally talking to them returned me to how I felt before, but, im not talknig to them now and its back. Triggered thoughts I suppose.

Indeed… I feel some comfort in their presence, with them in my life. But that is not my identity… symbolically in so many parts of my life I am childish and sort of just waiting around… I don’t go out to socialize, I don’t go and find a hobby or activity to do. I realise, I have no life here. I was just waiting to talk to my bf again… and I still am. Im not going out to live my life, i’m just waiting… for their approval too maybe? They said they didn’t like i’d talked to my bf and reconciled… so now I am not liking him and constantly inventing arguments with him again about that, but am I really dissatisfied with him? Or am I feeling shameful because of what my parents said, and being so atached to them still, i’m trying to solve a problem in my head that doesn’t really exist? It extends to my life in general, but again i’m constantly thinking about my bf, or thinking about trying not to think about him again.