Chris is right. I am totally dealing with a very similar situation Kkasxo.

The only way forward, is through. I buried my original trauma for almost 40 years. It got free and I dealt with it finally. But there was another trauma I had not dealt with. And it very well may cost me my family and my marriage of 15 years. But my wife calling my attention to it has allowed me to zero in on it and deal with it. I have now learned from experience that you may be able to bury these things for awhile, maybe with the use of chemical and alcoholic intervention, but sooner or later, it’s coming back. And the longer you take to deal with it, the worse it’s going to be when you have to.

Think of it as a literal wound. Imagine you had a gunshot wound, and the trauma, the bullet, was still inside you. You could technically ignore it assuming you weren’t bleeding out. But that bullet is gonna move through your body as your body attempts to expel it. It might come out the other side and rip open a new wound. It might burrow its way to your heart and you drop dead. But, if you take the time to get the bullet out while the wound is fresh, you do less damage in the long run. It’s gonna hurt either way. You might as well deal with it while already hurting.

Just know this. You are loved. You may not feel like it. You may think you are alone. You aren’t.  Not just talking about all of us strangers here on the internet, either. Those around you love and care about you as well. My thoughts have often gone to the darker side, but I have never once made plans to follow through. If you ever feel that way, please get in contact with someone. Call a hotline, a friend, a family member, post here and wait a few hours before doing something. Please.

The end result of what those thoughts entail are a very permanent ending to a very not permanent problem.

This too, shall pass.