Hi Alisa

You do sound very conflicted. However there are some key points about the type of romantic relationships that we tend to seek (and make mistakes on). I’m no expert, but what I have learned along my journey is that we always think that there should be intense fireworks and sparks all the time when we meet someone and in the following weeks and months. But the reality is, is that this excitement is always going to eventually fade when normal day to day life sets in. This is when a lot of people give up on a person, because they think they’re “just not that into” them anymore as the spark has gone or dimmed. What you are left with, is actually the real life work of having to put in the effort of developing real intimacy and connection. And that is where real true love blossoms.

I think you need to decide what you actually want. Is it the chase and excitement, which in my mind, is not sustainable on a deeper emotional level? Or is it to stay and maintain and more importantly GROW your bond and connection with this man who you say you don’t want to lose (for the right reasons this time).

It may be your old fear patterns triggering you and making you want to return to being on your own with no responsibility. You said that you need to stop comparing how you feel with this man to how you felt with others. Look at your previous relationships, you felt that spark…..but you’re no longer with any of those people now. So your comparison isn’t really logical. Every person you meet should be treated as a new opportunity and new doorway, not a comparison with your old partners whereby it didn’t work.

From your description of this man, he is willing to give you his time, energy, love and effort and most of all commitment. If you need time to think about it, then be honest with him and tell him that you will get back on him on this. Consider what it is that you want. Do you really want a serious relationship? Do your values align with his? How do you both deal with conflict and disagreements? Take a look at the whole picture and maybe even do bullet points for and against progressing with this relationship. Seeing it down on paper can really make things clear. From what you said, the reasons for being with this man do sound like the right reasons, but it is your past and fears that may be triggering your indecision.