Forum Replies Created
November 9, 2018 at 9:28 am #236183
Thank you anita. I think my meditations are really helping me to calm my mind and just be present one day at a time. This week, I have been beginning to feel hopeful for my future again and I am able to bring most of my thoughts back to myself and my own healing path, soon after they tend to try and go back into the recent past. I acknowledge them, but the intensity of their impact on me is slowly becoming less. They have not been all consuming sadness for 5 days now. Hurrah! Thank you for being part of my journey again. You are such a bright shining light on tinybuddha and I send you lots of lovely energy over this weekend. 🙂November 7, 2018 at 5:23 am #235779
Yes, it is a very harsh reality and something that just comes with living a life on this earth! I am able to think of the bigger perspective as time progresses, so I know that I am slowly healing. It has propelled me into deep healing and unlearning life long unhealthy perceptions and habits, which has only be the best thing for my soul and mind in the long term! It’s just wading through it day to day, hoping that things will feel lighter. It is almost 2 months since it all happened and I feel I am doing really well in general. I’m still rather ‘spacey’ but I think this is because I am doing a lot of spiritual healing too. I think I am finally beginning to unveil what self love really is piece by piece. And it actually feels really good! The resources of discovering things online has been just wonderful and I’m so glad we have such great technology as it’s helped me connect to people such as you and other support networks.
Thank you for your kind wishes. Me too! I am hoping and aiming to get to a place where if I am ‘rejected’ again, then I will be able to stay centred and grounded as much as I can, whilst still know that I am a highly valuable woman who loves herself no matter what. I am hoping I will be in a state where I can feel unshaken within my core then wish them goodbye gracefully. It will be a complete turnaround to how I have been reacting and living so far.November 5, 2018 at 1:25 pm #235589
You say you are on two totally different levels, but then in an earlier post today you wrote that you have a connection and could have an amazing future with him. See how confusing this sounds?
I think you need to delve into your parents relationship dynamics first, ask yourself what you may have picked up along the way of what a relationship “should” look/feel and present like. Then delve into your previous relationships (all of them, long and short) and see if you can notice any patterns of behaviour / habits. You said you felt no attraction towards the men in your 3 year relationships, so this one is different to them in any case, because you are attracted to him as a person. You also mentioned that you do have love for him. Do you feel that any of your previous relationships were loving and healthy? If not, this is the first one that you may have. So of course, this calm and almost ‘too good to be true’ but not quite ‘exciting or dramatic enough’ feeling is going to make you feel off balance.
Like anita also said, the butterflies and sparks do not last in any relationship. These feelings are the initial brain chemistry and endorphins that are released when we feel excitement at something/someone new. It’s more infatuation. However this is always temporary and shouldn’t be used as the main marker when we are looking for a long term commitment. It’s impossible for this to last because true intimacy and love needs something deeper than this. This is what I mentioned about the stage at which a lot of people fail at the hurdle, because they give up on a potentially great partnership. It’s about feeling cared for and feeling safe. It’s the attraction phase that shifts and moves into a level of mutual respect, care, trust and love.
I don’t think you should talk to him about this until you have looked and examined within yourself. Get clear in yourself as to what relationship habits/patterns you have been acting out until now and why. And also what you have been taught or what you perceive a healthy relationship is “supposed” to look like and feel like. You may be surprised at what answers come up. When I finally looked within myself after years of emotionally unavailable men and constant disappointments, I saw that my whole idea of relationships were completely skewed! Ask yourself what you think of yourself too. Who are you when you are single and in a relationship. Who do you want to be and what are your values, needs and desires. (this doesn’t include feeling butterflies by the way – that’s superficial stuff. I mean what you TRULY desire deep within).November 5, 2018 at 7:15 am #235487
You do sound very conflicted. However there are some key points about the type of romantic relationships that we tend to seek (and make mistakes on). I’m no expert, but what I have learned along my journey is that we always think that there should be intense fireworks and sparks all the time when we meet someone and in the following weeks and months. But the reality is, is that this excitement is always going to eventually fade when normal day to day life sets in. This is when a lot of people give up on a person, because they think they’re “just not that into” them anymore as the spark has gone or dimmed. What you are left with, is actually the real life work of having to put in the effort of developing real intimacy and connection. And that is where real true love blossoms.
I think you need to decide what you actually want. Is it the chase and excitement, which in my mind, is not sustainable on a deeper emotional level? Or is it to stay and maintain and more importantly GROW your bond and connection with this man who you say you don’t want to lose (for the right reasons this time).
It may be your old fear patterns triggering you and making you want to return to being on your own with no responsibility. You said that you need to stop comparing how you feel with this man to how you felt with others. Look at your previous relationships, you felt that spark…..but you’re no longer with any of those people now. So your comparison isn’t really logical. Every person you meet should be treated as a new opportunity and new doorway, not a comparison with your old partners whereby it didn’t work.
From your description of this man, he is willing to give you his time, energy, love and effort and most of all commitment. If you need time to think about it, then be honest with him and tell him that you will get back on him on this. Consider what it is that you want. Do you really want a serious relationship? Do your values align with his? How do you both deal with conflict and disagreements? Take a look at the whole picture and maybe even do bullet points for and against progressing with this relationship. Seeing it down on paper can really make things clear. From what you said, the reasons for being with this man do sound like the right reasons, but it is your past and fears that may be triggering your indecision.November 4, 2018 at 12:10 pm #235379
I hope you’re having a nice weekend?
I went out for the day to a theme park with my friends yesterday – I found out that I don’t tolerate rides as well as I used to when I was in my 20’s! It was a very good day and I felt very happy for the most part, however, my mind did keep wandering off to my ex partner. I knew he was at his friend’s charity boxing match yesterday and he had originally invited me along to whilst we were together (before he did a U-turn and ended it). I found myself wondering what he was up to at the charity evening and I really wished I could have been there with him and that things were different. This made me feel so sad, which has continued to linger all of today and made me feel a heaviness again. I have been trying to fight reminiscing of the happier times and ignore how I felt in those times, but my mind just wanted to go back for today. So I let it have it’s place in the moment and had a good cry. Thoughts of my termination also come up which I also cried for. I feel a bit lighter after letting it all out and I am hoping that I can refocus on the present from tomorrow again.
Why do we tend to focus so much on the person who hurts us and disappoints/walks away from us? I am thinking that it is part of the grieving and healing process. Letting go and acceptance of what is, is very hard for me to do. Although I feel this situation has happened in order to make me grow emotionally and spiritually. I cannot help but miss him and how I felt around him, despite it being a short relationship , he had a profound effect on me and I was ready and willing to progress our connection more deeply. Some people just have an effect on your entire being and shake your world up. Unrequited affection and feelings are so painful. I’m planning on writing an unsent letter to him where I write down everything I feel and want to say to him. It will be like a journal / letter that I do not send. I’m hoping it will help me release more.
Having faith and putting trust into uncertainty and the unknown outcomes is a huge challenge for me to tackle. It has been a coping and protective method for me for so many years, to try and take control of situations so that I feel safe. It hasn’t worked though as I’ve been hit with the harsh reality that you cannot control everything, especially other people’s feelings towards you. No matter how much you wish it were different. If only I could see the bigger perspective outside of my grief.November 4, 2018 at 11:47 am #235373
Sorry for my late reply, I’ve been away from the computer for a while.
You said that he also says you “make” him say/do/feel things. This is again, the exact same manipulative behavioural pattern I experienced. He told me “you make me mad” and “you make me angry”. The truth is, you do not control his feelings or reactions. He does. It is just a tactic to put blame on you and pure mind games. I noticed other people have also told you that he has narcissistic traits and it is emotional abuse and I’m glad to see that you have made the decision to get out whilst you are still safe.
In my experience, as he was living with me at the time, it made it very hard to plan how to end the relationship, as I was scared of him and what he would do. However as you don’t live with your boyfriend, it will make it easier to end the relationship. I would advise that you plan what you are going to say to him. Keep it short, assertive and to the point facts. Try not to go into how you feel, as this will be an opening for him to try and manipulate your emotions and undermine them. Keep it factual and state that you do not see it working out, you want to be on your own and go a different life path. You do not need to give his man specific reasons as he will try to twist these around too. I advise ending the relationship via phone call, rather than meeting up, or if you’re going to meet, then do so in a public place and make sure he is not able to follow you home etc. Narcissistic people only care about how they feel and how they look to others, so ending it in a public place makes him not be able to kick off and start shouting etc. After you break up, please block him on all social media and your phone. He WILL try to manipulate and charm his way back, but it is not genuine I’m afraid. He needs you for selfish and unhealthy reasons. It’s not love, care, trust or respect. People like this do not tend to change unfortunately and it is not your job to save him or anyone like this. I learned the hard way.
Find your inner flame and power. You are the perfect age to start becoming an independent woman who loves and respects herself. Always put yourself first in every relationship you aim to go into. Never lose your own interests, passions or who you truly are inside for someone else. You are amazing and you can grow and learn from this.November 2, 2018 at 12:28 pm #235181
You’re very welcome. I am benefitting so much from our conversation and I hope that you don’t mind continuing for as long as we need and/or want to.
I’m very sorry to hear that your mother did/said harmful things intentionally towards you. Again, it just shows what a strong and determined person you are having come through that and continuing to do your best to heal.
I have noted down all of your advice in the last paragraph and will check in with it daily, every time I hear the inner voice creeping in. It is also about creating new habits out of the new thinking patterns. I honestly never knew how out of reality and inaccurate my feelings and thoughts have been throughout my life. Despite knowing deep down that there was something amiss and that life shouldn’t feel like that. It’s going to be a journey but they say that awareness of it all is the first and most key aspect. Thank you for sharing your methods. I will be out for the day tomorrow, so I will continue talking with you on Sunday. Lots of blessings.November 2, 2018 at 12:15 pm #235177
As I read your post I had flashbacks to a previous relationship that I had to end at the beginning of this year. Several of your statements are very similar to the way I ex partner behaved towards me and I can tell you that he has pathological signs of being a narcissist. He wants to control you, who you speak to / spend time with, is keen to bring out your insecurities / fears so that he has the upper hand, calls you disgusting names (which I agree with anita is a deal breaker right there, without all the added abuse). That is what he is doing, it is forms of emotional abuse in attempts to manipulate you into staying with him. These people are very quick to show their professed “love” for us and will charm the birds out of the trees! It is a tactic to reel you in, so that you depend on them. His nice side is not consistent and it will get less and less. Telling you “if you loved me you would…” “you’re a bad girlfriend and I’m a good boyfriend” is manipulation. Towering over you, pointing in your face and flicking you on the head are all forms of intimidation and abuse. My partner did exactly the same things to me when I was attempting to remove myself from conflicts that he started out of nowhere, just to fire things up. This man ended up grabbing me, smashing my tv, ipad and driving a knife into my phone when I said I was leaving him. Yes, the police were involved afterwards.
Please get out of this relationship….if you can even call it that. He is showing you his true colours and real love is the exact opposite to what you are experiencing. Do not let anyone convince you otherwise. You are 18 and you do not have commitment issues, I ask you to challenge your mother on why she is telling you this. Do not stay with this man and put yourself first. I learned this the hard way and I am 32, still trying to heal from relationships just like the one you are in. You deserve the best.November 2, 2018 at 2:12 am #235079
Sorry for the late reply. The last couple of days have been quite busy. I had a job interview yesterday for an old job that I enjoyed – and I got it! Yesterday was the first day that I felt rather ‘normal’, instead of feeling anxious and confused with an overactive thoughts. It felt such a relief. I have started meditating every morning in the last few days and I have found that it is really helping with my anxiety for the rest of the day. It grounds me so that I am able to actually function and feel less fear of uncertainty for that day.
You are right about the sensitivities as a child. I must have become very aware of subtle cues and tones of voice as it seems to be like an internal radar now for me.
I have read elsewhere online that this is the case with healing. It isn’t a linear process as we would hope it would be. I’ve realised that in the last 6 weeks of one day feeling quite optimistic then the next day not wanting to get out of bed and experiencing a bad tension headache.
I’d like to say that I think you should be incredibly proud of yourself, seven years on. You have a lot of insight and wisdom, which you are using to help heal others on their journey by being on here. So I thank you for that, as you are the only person who has consistently communicated with me on here when I posted for help. I am very grateful.
Am I right in saying that when you say “you will be able to disengage”, that the action you take is consciously interrupting that negative voice that pops up alongside anxiety (in my case)? So as soon as you hear that criticism in your mind, you can say something like “I hear and acknowledge you, but this is not how I do things anymore, I have a new way of being and feeling”. I’m trying to make this a new habit of ‘interruption’, as it cuts it off as soon as it pops up. It’s a way of acknowledging but also taking over with compassion. Hence building new neuro pathways.
It was my parents who both told and taught me to stay small and keep my head down. My dad did it by pushing me to just go along with the ‘rest of them’. Leave school, get a good job (aka only a teacher as anything else isn’t reliable enough – I didn’t end up being a teacher by the way), get married and have kids. Almost insinuating to stay in the line and don’t venture outside of it because it wouldn’t be successful or good enough to do something out of. He came from a “if you work hard you’ll be safe and secure financially” background, with not much emotion in the approach at all. My mum, has verbally announced “keep your head down and get on with it”, when referring to a previous work conflict that my brother was involved in. He of course rebelled and spoke his mind, of which he ended up being respected for and still works for the company. I did then tell my mum that keeping quiet and not speaking up at work, is not always the best route when you are being treated unfairly (how I wish I took my own advice!). She replied that he took the risk of being sacked from his job by speaking out. This didn’t happen. My mum has always played it safe and small in her own life, personally and professionally. She has been offered several job promotions where her manager recognised potential in her, but she has always refused to take anything else on (she works as a cleaner in a school). She never gave much of a reason as to why she refused to progress. To me, I got the impression that because she doesn’t believe in herself, she refused to try it or take the risk.
Both of these situations came into my head as it reflects a message of “you get what you’re given, so just work with that and plod along, don’t take any notice of yourself if you’re unhappy, just get on with it because there’s not much else better”. But having said this, I have been incredibly successful in my work life and was able to buy my first own home at 26 years old. I know my parents were very proud of me as they both said that it is something they would never have achieved at my age. So perhaps underneath they wanted me to break out and away, but didn’t know how best to show me or tell me? As far as emotional growth goes and as per romantic relationships – I have been clueless and stuck for years, as we discussed, as the focus was never on being my best true self. Always on making someone else the focal point. At least I’m starting to learn now.
I hope your week is going well and I’d love to hear a bit more about what and how you act / react practically in order to change the neural pathways? What are your methods?October 30, 2018 at 2:27 pm #234595
Thank you for sharing part of your journey. It must have been a challenge to be on your guard around your own mother and to feel the need to protect yourself in such a way.
Some of us have more sensitivities and are in tune to energies of others (not always a good thing). It also hasn’t helped being a people pleaser as this has heightened my anxiety. I am now learning to express my own needs and wants, instead of just going along with things and ignoring my intuition (just like the amber and red flags I mentioned in my relationship). My intuition of this ‘knowing/sensing’ that people’s feelings have changed have not been wrong so far in my life. I just haven’t ever listened to that inner voice at the time and taken action to stand up for myself, hence then been rejected because I’ve been panicking about the pending disaster of being on my own again.
Yes I feel it was because of this mostly, however I woke up feeling heavy. I haven’t released emotions that have been building for the last 4 days either, so I think I am due a good cry. My ego has been in charge today and it makes me feel sad, because I am wondering how I can ever become a naturally happy and light hearted person. The questions plaguing me today are….. Will I always struggle with inner conflict? Will I ever be able to wake up in the mornings and be genuinely content with ‘just being’ where I am? Who even am I? Why do I have this anxiety and feel so disconnected?
There’s always been something missing in my life that makes me feel stuck and downtrodden. I’ve always been taught to stay small and just keep my head down and if I’m lucky, then I’ll succeed at life and love. This is the ‘story’. And since my recent ‘rejection’, I feel smaller and more vulnerable than ever. Gosh today is hard. Healing is hard!October 30, 2018 at 8:02 am #234515
For me, it’s more of an ability to read and sense/feel others emotions and changes of energy. I have discovered that I have a very accurate sense of feeling and knowing the shift in someone’s energy and mood, before they say something. This often happens with a romantic partner when they are “emotionally shifting down a gear”. I sense very subtle changes in their body language towards me and I can just feel the change in their mood and energy. I was able to feel utter depression of a previous partner when he was experiencing an episode, but didn’t verbally tell me how he felt. I told him that he was making me feel so miserable being in his energy. He of course didn’t understand how I could feel what he felt. He looked at me like I was so odd. I can’t explain it in any other way. This happens with some new people that I meet too. I’m also very drawn to healing modalities and have always felt like I haven’t really belonged. I find the world rather harsh, confusing and often feel lost (I’m feeling very confused and lost today actually). I’m not quite sure where I fit in, as deep down I feel I am happier when in a daydream and meditating! I feel safe “elsewhere”. I tend to love very deeply, more than I receive back, hence then having to grapple with self worth and rejection. I am learning that I need to develop a morning habit of building up my psychic and energetic field protection, because due to my recent circumstances, it has completely broken my entire being open, so I’m feeling really overwhelmed with noises, places and heavy energy. Even that from my mum, who I spent some hours with this morning. I could feel her sense of negativity and a “oh well, that’s just the way life is” downtrodden mentality. I had to have a hot bath and sleep when I got home because I felt like my head was going to explode! My world just feels yuck and heavy today. I’m hoping it starts to lift after meditation in a while.October 29, 2018 at 12:14 pm #234347
You are right. It is very easy for us to think that other people seem to have it all sussed and are accepted in every way naturally by their spouses. It’s easy to fall into the ego’s trap of making us feel ‘less than’ these other women. But awareness is key in the first step to healing.
My heart lifted reading your words, thank you so much. I am making a commitment to myself, for the first time in my entire life. I know there will be mistakes and disappointments along the way, but I have started making pages of notes and reminders in a notebook that I can refer to when I am unsure and need to ‘check in with myself’. It’s the start of a new journey of not internalising blame and rejection. I’m an empath also, which makes it challenging, but I’m learning about my sensitivities that I now know isn’t a weakness, but a gift that I can learn to use to my advantage as time progresses. I’m learning to take the pressure off of myself!
Does this sound similar to what you started doing in your journey? I’d love to hear more about how you came to realise things needed to change in your life and where you are at now?October 28, 2018 at 9:23 am #233857
I understand your point. Yes in an unintentional way she did neglect our emotional needs because she herself, does not have healthy boundaries and mindset, that was what I was attempting to get across. I am defending her to a point, but this is just because I feel sad for her. I do acknowledge and understand the impact of her behaviour has all had on me, because here I am needing to unlearn everything I was ‘taught’ to believe about myself and life. When my relationship ended, it did come down to me thinking about choosing to carry on and face everything or literally giving up and opting out of this life. It breaks my heart that I feeling so desperate only a few weeks ago.
This ‘rebirth’ does incredibly hurt, because it’s made me realise how many years I have perceived and assumed the way life works or is ‘supposed to be’, is in fact not the way it was supposed to be at all. Over the last few weeks, I have questioned my entire purpose and identity on this Earth. I have needed to go back in time and thoroughly (and painfully) relive my feelings, thought patterns, habits and reactional behaviours upon each ‘rejection’ I have experienced. This most recent relationship has been the ultimate catalyst, cracking me open to my core to really face my issues that keep me stuck on the hamster wheel of externalising the need for unconditional love and safety. Going within is a whole new concept.
I’m trying not to feel envious of certain friends of mine who appear to ‘have it all sorted’ since they were teenagers and have long standing, strong, healthy and deeply connected relationships with their partners and are also independent women who do not question their worth. This is the representation of what I long for. I pray and hope that I can be a strong woman who can still stand tall and not shatter to pieces when ‘rejected’ in the future, because all I know is that I cannot feel trapped in this cycle of utter chaos anymore.October 28, 2018 at 6:29 am #233799
Sorry for the late reply, I’ve been away from the computer trying to immerse myself in the present with new situations and my friends who have been by my side throughout.
Yes I did feel that I was reassuring and soothing her, as soon as I told her about my situation. This is her pattern unfortunately. My mum will do this action (as discussed) or she will take another road, which I will tell you about now.
I was having a particularly tearful and vulnerable day last weekend, as the next day would have marked 2 months since my termination. My mum had texted to ask how I was in general. I replied that I was having a sad day. She replied “try not to have a sad day. Just think of our family members who can’t see and how frustrating it is for them every day and how I try to get nan to eat something”. As a side note, these family members she is talking about are my 91 year old aunt, who has very poor eyesight and my 88 year old nan, who has advanced dementia. My mum is my nan’s carer and sits by her side for several hours each day trying to get her to eat and drink.
I initially felt frustrated upon reading her message, because as well as her intentions may have been to try and make me feel better, she was essentially saying that there are people much worse off than me and my situation and feelings, so ‘try not to be sad’. Therefore deflecting my pain away from myself (which is what she also does with her own situations, by ignoring her own needs and doing so much for other people). I replied to her that every situation is different (without trying to sound defensive) and reminded her that it would be the 2 month mark the next day. She replied to me that she remembered it was the 2 month mark and that she loved me.
I hope that this makes sense. My mum either makes a situation about her pain, or tries to ignore it and convince herself that someone else’s situation is worse, so hers isn’t worth delving into or grieving so deeply…hence never healing her own wounds. I feel this is why I have turned into such a negative self talk people pleaser! It has been so exhausting and only now am I learning that my life long inner pain and guilt/blame isn’t really mine.
Does any of this resonate with you?October 25, 2018 at 12:30 pm #233353
I told her that she is not that at all and that she is amazing for just being there with me when I need her. She then told me that she loves me. Which is something she appears to feel more comfortable with saying in more recent years.