October 24, 2018 at 7:49 am #232953
This is what people normally do, projecting their past wounds into the new people in their lives (“he.. projected his past wounds onto me”). The most tragic is when it happens, as it so often happens, in childhood, as parents project their past wounds onto their children. This is why humanity is as dysfunctional as it is.
His statement regarding all women, that is very telling. I don’t see it being interpreted in any other way but his anger at his ex girlfriend for changing her mind and … I suppose, not loving him anymore.
It also occurred to me earlier, from reading your original post and on that you are a reasonable thinker, seeing the bigger picture, considering different angles.
Regarding passing on past wounds in childhood, it can happen via physical beatings, verbal beatings (those insults, humiliations, name calling etc.), and in other ways. An anxious parent, even when loving and kind, passes on wounds, unintentionally by being anxious. A child feels unsafe when her parent/s are anxious.
anitaOctober 24, 2018 at 1:39 pm #233065
It really is very sad. I like to think that if I can do as much healing within for myself step by step, then hopefully when I get the opportunity and blessing to have children properly next time, I can encourage them and show them how important it is to love themselves. I would love to lead by example to them from my own experiences and show/teach them what outside society lacks. That is my hope.
Oh gosh, yes that statement is very telling. I obviously only heard his version of events and he initially played it down I feel. However when he referenced it as a divorce and I noticed his passive aggressive tone when referring to her as time progressed, I sensed more strongly that it affected him more than he had let on. He also still had the vet’s business card on the side of his fridge for their cat, it’s something he obviously didn’t want to let go of….gosh I feel so silly for not raising all these little things I perceived! I’ve learned a lot from just this small situation within the whole context, that I must stand in my own power and be assertive when something makes me feel uncomfortable. Hindsight is 20/20.
Thank you for saying that. I have actually been berating myself for thinking too much actually, as I’ve been trying to put everything into a whole picture (ruminating a lot!) so that I’m able to see where we both weren’t showing up for ourselves and each other. It’s been very very painful though. But it’s starting to help me to stop taking all the responsibility for his actions and behaviour on my shoulders. Due to the contradictory reasons he gave, I’ve had to look at the seemingly smaller remarks and non verbal behaviour to give myself a bigger perspective on him, rather than just the rose tinted glasses that I refused to take off.
You are absolutely correct about an anxious, yet loving and kind parent. Both my parents were anxious in different ways and actually showed it very boldly thinking back on it now. My mother is the eldest of 2 girls, but my grandparents always seemed to favour/praise my aunt, much more than they did my mum. They didn’t do this intentionally, but my mum clearly developed a sense of being second best early on in her life and this has continued until the present day. My mum never stood up to my dad when she was treated poorly and given silent treatment for days, even when they were dating. My dad would make inappropriate comments about other women and flirt in front of my mum in the early days, which I only came to find out later on. My mum always puts herself second to everyone in her life and ended up starting an affair with a married colleague back in 2004, which I believe is still going on to this day. She sobbed in my arms a few years ago about just wanting someone to love her and that she wishes she was dead as she feels she is ‘nothing’. I tried to get her help from the doctor but without her consent, the doctor couldn’t get her to go in for a talk. It’s as though she feels like life is supposed to be full of misery and just accepting the crumbs.
My father suddenly passed away in 2013 but had been spending half the years in Thailand away from my mum due to their constant disagreements and my mum’s refusal for a divorce (based on the grounds that she felt too embarrassed to go through with it and possibly start from scratch). Thailand was his happy place where he felt free and happy. Here he felt trapped and miserable, knowing my mum was having an affair, but she repeatedly denied it and just cried every time he confronted her. My dad wasn’t one to praise me or my brother and rarely said he loved us. He showed it by buying us gifts etc. He was very protective of me as a teenager when it came to me being in contact with a guy, however when I was in my 20’s, he seemed very keen for me to have a boyfriend, asking me regularly when he called if I had got one yet. The pressure of being single was a quite a lot yet I had no idea how to date healthily.
My younger brother is also troubled when it comes to forging romantic relationships. He also clings to old friendships that no longer are 50/50 and fights tooth and nail to get them to treat him as well as he treats and considers them. This has been a huge disappointment in his life when his oldest friends move on and don’t contact him. We have both tended to end up with people who are emotionally troubled and who lean on us for support. We both had adopted a ‘I can help them’ approach, however now my brother has completely closed himself off to any potential romantic relationship. He has a ‘I don’t care and can’t be bothered because people just disappoint me’ attitude now, which is so sad to hear him say….but it is exactly the feeling that I have on and off very recently now. We are both very sensitive and caring, easily get hurt/disappointed and over give ourselves. I think our traits say a lot about our parents relationship and individual attitudes.
I know I have subconsciously picked up my mum’s approach to romantic relationships but I vow to myself that I will have a different story and history will not continue to be repeated.
October 24, 2018 at 1:39 pm #233067
- This reply was modified 4 years, 1 month ago by RebirthandRestart2018.
If any of that resonates with your story and journey please let me know.
October 25, 2018 at 10:14 am #233303
- This reply was modified 4 years, 1 month ago by RebirthandRestart2018.
Well, our stories are different in many ways but similar in this most powerful aspect- as children there was no one there for us. Your mother was engaged with being second best, angry at your father, reaching out to another man, year after year, while you and your brother grew up alone, unattended to. She was there physically, but otherwise engaged.
She felt second best, but what status did you and your brother have in her life? Third best, I suppose. If she was second, then you and your brother were third.
It is very common for children to grow up without love. As you meet men, in the future, they too likely grew up with not enough love- this is the norm, not the exception. It takes work on both sides, you and the future man in your life, to come to a meeting of the minds and hearts so to help each other. To purposefully communicate for the purpose of helping each other. This is the whole point of a loving relationship, to benefit each other, to make it a Win-Win.
A Win-Win relationship will be the basis for good mental health and a good home for your future children.
anitaOctober 25, 2018 at 10:31 am #233309
I hope you’ve had a good day today.
Actually my mum never neglected myself and my brother. In fact she tried to hide her own feelings of negative self worth and did her best to give us everything she could. She wanted to give us everything she could, but later admitted she never felt even this was enough. She feels worthless about herself as a person, which made her feel worthless as a mother. It breaks my heart because she was and still is, an amazing mum. Her heart is pouring open with love for others. In fact, when I opened up to her about my recent situation, she cried and the first thing she said was “I must be the worst mum in the world for you not to have been able to tell me this”. I don’t blame her for anything. She has only done the best she can do with what she is aware of.October 25, 2018 at 10:50 am #233317
She said to you: “I must have been the worst mum in the world for you..”
What did you tell her in response and what did she then say to you?
anitaOctober 25, 2018 at 12:30 pm #233353
I told her that she is not that at all and that she is amazing for just being there with me when I need her. She then told me that she loves me. Which is something she appears to feel more comfortable with saying in more recent years.October 26, 2018 at 7:47 am #233481
When you told her about the pregnancy termination, your painful experience, her response was to make it about her, to turn the focus from your pain to her pain about not being a good mother. What followed was you easing up her pain by telling her that she is an amazing mother. She then felt better and told you that she loved you.
You took care of her.
anitaOctober 28, 2018 at 6:29 am #233799
Sorry for the late reply, I’ve been away from the computer trying to immerse myself in the present with new situations and my friends who have been by my side throughout.
Yes I did feel that I was reassuring and soothing her, as soon as I told her about my situation. This is her pattern unfortunately. My mum will do this action (as discussed) or she will take another road, which I will tell you about now.
I was having a particularly tearful and vulnerable day last weekend, as the next day would have marked 2 months since my termination. My mum had texted to ask how I was in general. I replied that I was having a sad day. She replied “try not to have a sad day. Just think of our family members who can’t see and how frustrating it is for them every day and how I try to get nan to eat something”. As a side note, these family members she is talking about are my 91 year old aunt, who has very poor eyesight and my 88 year old nan, who has advanced dementia. My mum is my nan’s carer and sits by her side for several hours each day trying to get her to eat and drink.
I initially felt frustrated upon reading her message, because as well as her intentions may have been to try and make me feel better, she was essentially saying that there are people much worse off than me and my situation and feelings, so ‘try not to be sad’. Therefore deflecting my pain away from myself (which is what she also does with her own situations, by ignoring her own needs and doing so much for other people). I replied to her that every situation is different (without trying to sound defensive) and reminded her that it would be the 2 month mark the next day. She replied to me that she remembered it was the 2 month mark and that she loved me.
I hope that this makes sense. My mum either makes a situation about her pain, or tries to ignore it and convince herself that someone else’s situation is worse, so hers isn’t worth delving into or grieving so deeply…hence never healing her own wounds. I feel this is why I have turned into such a negative self talk people pleaser! It has been so exhausting and only now am I learning that my life long inner pain and guilt/blame isn’t really mine.
Does any of this resonate with you?October 28, 2018 at 6:58 am #233805
A few days ago I wrote to you: “as children there was no one there for us… It is very common for children to grow up without love”. In your response to me you rushed to defend your mother: “Actually my mum never neglected myself… did her best… everything she could.. she was and still is, an amazing mum. Her heart is pouring open with love for others”.
My input to you today: in real life, your mother is not reading this thread. What you and I post here cannot hurt her. In real life there is no formal judgment committee whose job is to judge her as a mother. Therefore, there is no sensible reason to defend her here. The only judge she hears is the voice in her head. That voice speaks to her independently from what you and I post here.
It really doesn’t matter why, but she did and does neglect you (“my mum never neglected myself” is not true). A child has a need for love, not only for food and protection from the cold and heat and such. A child has the need for her feelings to be seen and acknowledged as valid. Your mother dismissed your feelings as invalid, not important. A mother who dismisses her daughter’s feelings cannot possibly be an amazing mother (“she was and still is, an amazing mum” is therefore, not true).
You wrote about her “Her heart is pouring open with love for others”- maybe love for her own mother. Just like you love her so much, she loves her own mother that much.
The Rebirth you want, it hurts. It includes pain, unfortunately. Are you willing to consider what I wrote here even though it causes pain, to consider that it might be true?
October 28, 2018 at 9:23 am #233857
- This reply was modified 4 years, 1 month ago by anita.
I understand your point. Yes in an unintentional way she did neglect our emotional needs because she herself, does not have healthy boundaries and mindset, that was what I was attempting to get across. I am defending her to a point, but this is just because I feel sad for her. I do acknowledge and understand the impact of her behaviour has all had on me, because here I am needing to unlearn everything I was ‘taught’ to believe about myself and life. When my relationship ended, it did come down to me thinking about choosing to carry on and face everything or literally giving up and opting out of this life. It breaks my heart that I feeling so desperate only a few weeks ago.
This ‘rebirth’ does incredibly hurt, because it’s made me realise how many years I have perceived and assumed the way life works or is ‘supposed to be’, is in fact not the way it was supposed to be at all. Over the last few weeks, I have questioned my entire purpose and identity on this Earth. I have needed to go back in time and thoroughly (and painfully) relive my feelings, thought patterns, habits and reactional behaviours upon each ‘rejection’ I have experienced. This most recent relationship has been the ultimate catalyst, cracking me open to my core to really face my issues that keep me stuck on the hamster wheel of externalising the need for unconditional love and safety. Going within is a whole new concept.
I’m trying not to feel envious of certain friends of mine who appear to ‘have it all sorted’ since they were teenagers and have long standing, strong, healthy and deeply connected relationships with their partners and are also independent women who do not question their worth. This is the representation of what I long for. I pray and hope that I can be a strong woman who can still stand tall and not shatter to pieces when ‘rejected’ in the future, because all I know is that I cannot feel trapped in this cycle of utter chaos anymore.October 28, 2018 at 10:41 am #233875
I am looking forward to read and reply to your recent post when I am back to the computer in about seventeen hours.
anitaOctober 29, 2018 at 7:56 am #234277
Regarding “certain friends of mine who appear to ‘have it all sorted’ since they were teenagers… women who do not question their worth”- I agree with the word you used which I italicized, appear. It appears this way to a person who struggles, that others don’t.
I don’t think there is a single woman on the face of the earth, including the richest and most famous, celebrities and all, who does not question her worth. We all have moments that we don’t. But we all do. I question it less than I used to though.
Reads to me that you are indeed in the incredible process of rebirth and restart. It is exciting for me to read you share about it. It really is happening for you! I hope to read more and more from you. I will be glad to reply and share about my own process, feel free to ask me any question you may have at any time.
anitaOctober 29, 2018 at 12:14 pm #234347
You are right. It is very easy for us to think that other people seem to have it all sussed and are accepted in every way naturally by their spouses. It’s easy to fall into the ego’s trap of making us feel ‘less than’ these other women. But awareness is key in the first step to healing.
My heart lifted reading your words, thank you so much. I am making a commitment to myself, for the first time in my entire life. I know there will be mistakes and disappointments along the way, but I have started making pages of notes and reminders in a notebook that I can refer to when I am unsure and need to ‘check in with myself’. It’s the start of a new journey of not internalising blame and rejection. I’m an empath also, which makes it challenging, but I’m learning about my sensitivities that I now know isn’t a weakness, but a gift that I can learn to use to my advantage as time progresses. I’m learning to take the pressure off of myself!
Does this sound similar to what you started doing in your journey? I’d love to hear more about how you came to realise things needed to change in your life and where you are at now?October 29, 2018 at 12:21 pm #234353
Before I answer your question, partly, of course, I have a question regarding your use of the term empath. What does it mean to you, that you are an empath: does it mean you experience a lot of empathy to others or does it mean a certain psychic ability to read another person’s mind or heart, to know what they are experiencing accurately?