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He left me after pregnancy termination

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  • #234515

    For me, it’s more of an ability to read and sense/feel others emotions and changes of energy. I have discovered that I have a very accurate sense of feeling and knowing the shift in someone’s energy and mood, before they say something. This often happens with a romantic partner when they are “emotionally shifting down a gear”. I sense very subtle changes in their body language towards me and I can just feel the change in their mood and energy. I was able to feel utter depression of a previous partner when he was experiencing an episode, but didn’t verbally tell me how he felt. I told him that he was making me feel so miserable being in his energy. He of course didn’t understand how I could feel what he felt. He looked at me like I was so odd. I can’t explain it in any other way. This happens with some new people that I meet too. I’m also very drawn to healing modalities and have always felt like I haven’t really belonged. I find the world rather harsh, confusing and often feel lost (I’m feeling very confused and lost today actually). I’m not quite sure where I fit in, as deep down I feel I am happier when in a daydream and meditating! I feel safe “elsewhere”. I tend to love very deeply, more than I receive back, hence then having to grapple with self worth and rejection. I am learning that I need to develop a morning habit of building up my psychic and energetic field protection, because due to my recent circumstances, it has completely broken my entire being open, so I’m feeling really overwhelmed with noises, places and heavy energy. Even that from my mum, who I spent some hours with this morning. I could feel her sense of negativity and a “oh well, that’s just the way life is” downtrodden mentality. I had to have a hot bath and sleep when I got home because I felt like my head was going to explode! My world just feels yuck and heavy today. I’m hoping it starts to lift after meditation in a while.

    #234525
    anita
    Participant

    Dear RebirthandRestart2018:

    In  my experience, this sensitivity to people’s emotions, was fueled by my need to protect myself from the next attack, or criticism. If I could sense that my mother was depressed, I could be more careful, or be prepared for her next explosion of misery and anger. But there is and was no psychic ability there, only an acute attention to any possible evidence of danger. I wasn’t able to accurately predict how people would behave, not even her behavior. I definitely wasn’t able to read people’s minds, to know what they think.

    It is very important to not assume we know what others think  or feel, but ask instead, ask for the information we need, instead of assuming we know.

    You are having a tough day, there are and will be days like this. Tomorrow and maybe even today, an hour from now, will be a better day.

    Maybe you feel this way because you spent hours with your mother earlier today?

    anita

    #234595

    Thank you for sharing part of your journey. It must have been a challenge to be on your guard around your own mother and to feel the need to protect yourself in such a way.

    Some of us have more sensitivities and are in tune to energies of others (not always a good thing). It also hasn’t helped being a people pleaser as this has heightened my anxiety. I am now learning to express my own needs and wants, instead of just going along with things and ignoring my intuition (just like the amber and red flags I mentioned in my relationship). My intuition of this ‘knowing/sensing’ that people’s feelings have changed have not been wrong so far in my life. I just haven’t ever listened to that inner voice at the time and taken action to stand up for myself, hence then been rejected because I’ve been panicking about the pending disaster of being on my own again.

    Yes I feel it was because of this mostly, however I woke up feeling heavy. I haven’t released emotions that have been building for the last 4 days either, so I think I am due a good cry. My ego has been in charge today and it makes me feel sad, because I am wondering how I can ever become a naturally happy and light hearted person. The questions plaguing me today are….. Will I always struggle with inner conflict? Will I ever be able to wake up in the mornings and be genuinely content with ‘just being’ where I am? Who even am I? Why do I have this anxiety and feel so disconnected?

    There’s always been something missing in my life that makes me feel stuck and downtrodden. I’ve always been taught to stay small and just keep my head down and if I’m lucky, then I’ll succeed at life and love. This is the ‘story’. And since my recent ‘rejection’, I feel smaller and more vulnerable than ever. Gosh today is hard. Healing is hard!

    #234649
    anita
    Participant

    Dear RebirthandRestart2018:

    “Healing is hard!”- I agree, but so is remaining sick. There is hope in healing though.

    You wrote: “Some of us have more sensitivities and are in tune to energies of others (not always a good thing)”-

    when you walked on eggshells in your childhood home (“it felt like my parents relationship was like.walking on eggshells and lots of open resentment between them… I don’t want to keep living in a sense of fear”), you developed that sensitivity, you listened to every sound to make sure you are not stepping on an egg shell. It is the living in fear that makes us very alert to every sound, every facial expression on the faces of the people that may hurt each other or us at any time. One baby is not born an empath more than any other baby. A child becomes sensitive when growing up in a hostile home.

    “I am wondering how I can ever become a naturally happy and light hearted person”- at times you will be, just as you were in the past. To be happy all the time, this is not possible for anyone. To wake up one day and be naturally-happy-and-light-hearted on an ongoing (not always) basis is impossible for a person whose brain was formed on hostile territory (open resentment between parents, walking on eggshells).

    It takes a process of learning and healing, a re-mapping of the neuropathway structure of the brain to significantly lower one’s anxiety, so that it is as low as the least anxious people out there. That takes years, and I haven’t gotten there yet, being over seven years of daily work on this healing path.

    “Will I always struggle with inner conflict?”- one day, months from now you will notice an improvement, but there will still be conflict. Later, more improvement, and you may think something like: I got it! Only to be disappointed when you experience the same conflict yet again. Then more improvement and you will find yourself distressed, the beginning of the same thoughts, but you will be able to disengage, and the distress will be good quicker than ever. And then, again.

    It is my experience that to persist with this kind of healing you have to fall in love with the process, with learning (which means physically, making new neuropathways that interrupt the old neuro mapping of the brain). You have to fall in love with the process because there is no happily-ever-after at anytime along the way. Really, there is no such thing as happily-ever-after for anyone.

    “I’ve always been taught to stay small and just keep my head down”- who taught you that and how?

    anita

     

    #235079

    Hi anita

    Sorry for the late reply. The last couple of days have been quite busy. I had a job interview yesterday for an old job that I enjoyed – and I got it! Yesterday was the first day that I felt rather ‘normal’, instead of feeling anxious and confused with an overactive thoughts. It felt such a relief. I have started meditating every morning in the last few days and I have found that it is really helping with my anxiety for the rest of the day. It grounds me so that I am able to actually function and feel less fear of uncertainty for that day.

    You are right about the sensitivities as a child. I must have become very aware of subtle cues and tones of voice as it seems to be like an internal radar now for me.

    I have read elsewhere online that this is the case with healing. It isn’t a linear process as we would hope it would be. I’ve realised that in the last 6 weeks of one day feeling quite optimistic then the next day not wanting to get out of bed and experiencing a bad tension headache.

    I’d like to say that I think you should be incredibly proud of yourself, seven years on. You have a lot of insight and wisdom, which you are using to help heal others on their journey by being on here. So I thank you for that, as you are the only person who has consistently communicated with me on here when I posted for help. I am very grateful.

    Am I right in saying that when you say “you will be able to disengage”, that the action you take is consciously interrupting that negative voice that pops up alongside anxiety (in my case)? So as soon as you hear that criticism in your mind, you can say something like “I hear and acknowledge you, but this is not how I do things anymore, I have a new way of being and feeling”. I’m trying to make this a new habit of ‘interruption’, as it cuts it off as soon as it pops up. It’s a way of acknowledging but also taking over with compassion. Hence building new neuro pathways.

    It was my parents who both told and taught me to stay small and keep my head down. My dad did it by pushing me to just go along with the ‘rest of them’. Leave school, get a good job (aka only a teacher as anything else isn’t reliable enough – I didn’t end up being a teacher by the way), get married and have kids. Almost insinuating to stay in the line and don’t venture outside of it because it wouldn’t be successful or good enough to do something out of. He came from a “if you work hard you’ll be safe and secure financially” background, with not much emotion in the approach at all. My mum, has verbally announced “keep your head down and get on with it”, when referring to a previous work conflict that my brother was involved in. He of course rebelled and spoke his mind, of which he ended up being respected for and still works for the company. I did then tell my mum that keeping quiet and not speaking up at work, is not always the best route when you are being treated unfairly (how I wish I took my own advice!). She replied that he took the risk of being sacked from his job by speaking out. This didn’t happen. My mum has always played it safe and small in her own life, personally and professionally. She has been offered several job promotions where her manager recognised potential in her, but she has always refused to take anything else on (she works as a cleaner in a school). She never gave much of a reason as to why she refused to progress. To me, I got the impression that because she doesn’t believe in herself, she refused to try it or take the risk.

    Both of these situations came into my head as it reflects a message of “you get what you’re given, so just work with that and plod along, don’t take any notice of yourself if you’re unhappy, just get on with it because there’s not much else better”. But having said this, I have been incredibly successful in my work life and was able to buy my first own home at 26 years old. I know my parents were very proud of me as they both said that it is something they would never have achieved at my age. So perhaps underneath they wanted me to break out and away, but didn’t know how best to show me or tell me? As far as emotional growth goes and as per romantic relationships – I have been clueless and stuck for years, as we discussed, as the focus was never on being my best true self. Always on making someone else the focal point. At least I’m starting to learn now.

    I hope your week is going well and I’d love to hear a bit more about what and how you act / react practically in order to change the neural pathways? What are your methods?

    #235119
    anita
    Participant

    Dear RebirthandRestart2018:

    Congratulations for getting the job! And for buying your first home at 26. Regarding meditating every morning, keep doing that. When on a particular morning it doesn’t provide the benefits it did the mornings before, don’t give up on it, try a different meditation perhaps, but continues. Like you wrote, healing is not linear and so is the experience of any good practice, it doesn’t feel good every single time.

    Thank you for your kind words of appreciation, I appreciate it that you took your time and thought to express this to me.

    Regarding disengaging, yes, what you said to the critical voice is fine, tell it whatever is true and needs to be said. In the beginning I explained myself to it, defended myself, later I got angry at said angry words to it. Later, and best, I notice it and turn my back to it, so  to speak, say nothing at all.

    The input your parents gave you, the “keep your head down and get on with it” from your mother, that is misguided, not a good input. But there is no ill intent in it, as I see it. She was teaching you what she believed is best, what she practiced in her life.

    If all my mother did was to teach me what doesn’t work, I would have forgiven her, as I do forgive her for what she taught me with good intentions, however misguided, however harmful to me. It is what she did with harmful intentions that I cannot and will not forgive (forgive in the sense of getting back in contact with her, something that will not happen).

    Regarding “what and how you act/react practically in order to change the neuropathways? What are your methods?”- rethinking (in line with CBT exercises of challenging distorted thoughts and correcting them so that they are congruent with reality), disengaging (not fueling the distorted thinking by engaging in them, and in so doing, continuing to enforce them, keeping them strong and active), practicing new behaviors, for example, asserting myself with a neighbor and when he got angry at me, enduring the distress, not keeping-my-head-down-and-get-on-with-it, which is what I used to do, and otherwise noticing, aka being mindful of my thoughts and my feelings and interrupt those when I should, so to fit my thinking (and indirectly my feelings) to reality.

    anita

    #235181

    Hi anita

    You’re very welcome. I am benefitting so much from our conversation and I hope that you don’t mind continuing for as long as we need and/or want to.

    I’m very sorry to hear that your mother did/said harmful things intentionally towards you. Again, it just shows what a strong and determined person you are having come through that and continuing to do your best to heal.

    I have noted down all of your advice in the last paragraph and will check in with it daily, every time I hear the inner voice creeping in. It is also about creating new habits out of the new thinking patterns. I honestly never knew how out of reality and inaccurate my feelings and thoughts have been throughout my life. Despite knowing deep down that there was something amiss and that life shouldn’t feel like that. It’s going to be a journey but they say that awareness of it all is the first and most key aspect. Thank you for sharing your methods. I will be out for the day tomorrow, so I will continue talking with you on Sunday. Lots of blessings.

    #235185
    anita
    Participant

    Dear RebirthandRestart 2018:

    I am glad to read that you benefited from our communication so far and hope this continues to be the case. For as long as it is, I am glad to continue on and on and on. Thank you for your empathy and blessings. Looking forward to read from you you Sunday.

    anita

    • This reply was modified 4 years, 1 month ago by anita.
    #235379

    Hi anita

    I hope you’re having a nice weekend?

    I went out for the day to a theme park with my friends yesterday – I found out that I don’t tolerate rides as well as I used to when I was in my 20’s! It was a very good day and I felt very happy for the most part, however, my mind did keep wandering off to my ex partner. I knew he was at his friend’s charity boxing match yesterday and he had originally invited me along to whilst we were together (before he did a U-turn and ended it). I found myself wondering what he was up to at the charity evening and I really wished I could have been there with him and that things were different. This made me feel so sad, which has continued to linger all of today and made me feel a heaviness again. I have been trying to fight reminiscing of the happier times and ignore how I felt in those times, but my mind just wanted to go back for today. So I let it have it’s place in the moment and had a good cry. Thoughts of my termination also come up which I also cried for. I feel a bit lighter after letting it all out and I am hoping that I can refocus on the present from tomorrow again.

    Why do we tend to focus so much on the person who hurts us and disappoints/walks away from us? I am thinking that it is part of the grieving and healing process. Letting go and acceptance of what is, is very hard for me to do. Although I feel this situation has happened in order to make me grow emotionally and spiritually. I cannot help but miss him and how I felt around him, despite it being a short relationship , he had a profound effect on me and I was ready and willing to progress our connection more deeply. Some people just have an effect on your entire being and shake your world up. Unrequited affection and feelings are so painful. I’m planning on writing an unsent letter to him where I write down everything I feel and want to say to him. It will be like a journal / letter that I do not send. I’m hoping it will help me release more.

    Having faith and putting trust into uncertainty and the unknown outcomes is a huge challenge for me to tackle. It has been a coping and protective method for me for so many years, to try and take control of situations so that I feel safe. It hasn’t worked though as I’ve been hit with the harsh reality that you cannot control everything, especially other people’s feelings towards you. No matter how much you wish it were different. If only I could see the bigger perspective outside of my grief.

    #235575
    anita
    Participant

    Dear RebirthandRestart2018:

    It is a harsh reality, isn’t it. Oh, how we wish it was different. That wishing, hoping, there is such an elation in it, and such vulnerability, and when we fall from the heights of imagining, it hurts. We get bruised from falling and ask: what is the point of getting up. I wonder.  And yet, it is this thing about life, getting up, making it to the next day, the morning after, a .. rebirth, a restart.

    Ants who build their home for hours and hours, when it gets destroyed, they start building again right away, no  second lost in despair. We operate the same way, restart, rebuild,  only we think, so we have it tougher than ants.

    The bigger perspective you mentioned in your last line of your recent post from yesterday, I think it is Life. Life is the bigger perspective. And we are all  in this life together. The one who dumps and the one who is dumped, we all aim at making it to the next day, that is all we can realistically aim at.

    I wish I can read from you  one day that you are involved in a loving, healthy relationship, that would be a delight and it is possible for you, something to look forward to.

    anita

    #235779

    Hi anita

    Yes, it is a very harsh reality and something that just comes with living a life on this earth! I am able to think of the bigger perspective as time progresses, so I know that I am slowly healing. It has propelled me into deep healing and unlearning life long unhealthy perceptions and habits, which has only be the best thing for my soul and mind in the long term! It’s just wading through it day to day, hoping that things will feel lighter. It is almost 2 months since it all happened and I feel I am doing really well in general. I’m still rather ‘spacey’ but I think this is because I am doing a lot of spiritual healing too. I think I am finally beginning to unveil what self love really is piece by piece. And it actually feels really good! The resources of discovering things online has been just wonderful and I’m so glad we have such great technology as it’s helped me connect to people such as you and other support networks.

    Thank you for your kind wishes. Me too! I am hoping and aiming to get to a place where if I am ‘rejected’ again, then I will be able to stay centred and grounded as much as I can, whilst still know that I am a highly valuable woman who loves herself no matter what. I am hoping I will be in a state where I can feel unshaken within my core then wish them goodbye gracefully. It will be a complete turnaround to how I have been reacting and living so far.

    #235785
    anita
    Participant

    Dear RebirthandRestart2018:

    You wrote: “I am finally beginning to unveil what self love really is piece by piece. And it actually feels really good!”-

    We are emotional beings, and like other animals our emotions motivate us. We are motivated to feel good. This is where I failed and most people fail in the process of healing: when feeling badly again and again, we give up and quit the process.

    This is why it is crucial to feel good sometimes, somehow along the way of healing. Otherwise, we will not continue. Can’t help it, our power of will, of intent cannot take us far, on and on. We have to feel good so to be motivated to continue.

    That good feeling to motivate us, it has to be significant enough to get our attention so that we are willing to experience the many distressing and down times, the great discomfort of anxiety itself. The good feeling must carry us through. So pay attention to those moments of good feeling, notice what they are about. And keep going.

    anita

    #236183

    Thank you anita. I think my meditations are really helping me to calm my mind and just be present one day at a time. This week, I have been beginning to feel hopeful for my future again and I am able to bring most of my thoughts back to myself and my own healing path, soon after they tend to try and go back into the recent past. I acknowledge them, but the intensity of their impact on me is slowly becoming less. They have not been all consuming sadness for 5 days now. Hurrah! Thank you for being part of my journey again. You are such a bright shining light on tinybuddha and I send you lots of lovely energy over this weekend. 🙂

    #236203
    anita
    Participant

    Dear  RebirthandRestart2018:

    I am glad to read of the progress you are making, five days without all consuming sadness is indeed significant  progress! Keep doing what works,  the meditations, that  is and  when they don’t work as well, keep doing them, shift to a different meditation, a different time of the  day, take a break maybe   one day,  but resume, persist.

    And thank you for the lovely energy for this weekend. (t  is  very grey and raining here).

    anita

    #238261
    anita
    Participant

    Dear RebirthandRestart2018:

    How are you?

    anita

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