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I’m losing interest in my boyfriend

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  • #235125
    Sierra
    Participant

    I had the biggest crush on my boyfriend, and at the beginning I was obsessed, I always found myself staying up super late to talk to him, always doing things to make him happy, showing affection, love, etc. Lately I have found myself doing the opposite; never really wanting to call, I never text him first, I don’t always want to hang out with him alone, etc.

    I am a very independent person, so when school started up again, I started doing my own thing, and my boyfriend noticed that, and I think began overthinking.

    He always, and I mean ALWAYS says “you don’t love me,” or “if you loved me, you would…” and “this is why you’re a bad girlfriend…” and “see, I’m a good boyfriend because…”.

    He always makes jokes, calling me “bitch”. I know he says it’s a joke, but it really becomes less funny. He also says the “n” word to me, because I am half black he thinks he can say it, I always tell him not to but he still does so, although he does so it less because I became very angry when he said it. He also says very derogatory things, and I know he’s joking but it just seems like he lacks respect.

    When we talk, he points his finger in my face, or flicks my forehead and gets in my face and towers over me. I despise those things because it seems very condescending, but he always says I’m being over dramatic and doesn’t get why I’m mad.

    He says my friends are bad influences; they’re single and he things they get around easily. He always tells me what others think about me and my friends.

    He once told me he was trying to change me into a “clingy girlfriend, someone who’s jealous and more needy.” But he realized I’m not like that, and it may bother him even if he doesnt admit it.

    I think the reason he’s like this is because he is extremely insecure, he NEEDS validation from everyone. He needs validation from popular people and his friends especially. And I think that because I’m not an over the top crazy girlfriend, I must not love him so he seeks validation from me. Him and his friends believe that that’s how girlfriends should be, as his best friend said about his own girlfriend “yeah, she’s obsessed with me I can control her.”

    He tells me I can’t control my alcohol, yet he gets so drunk and passes out. He says he wants me to ask him to fix my problems for me, but not to genuinely help me, but to make himself feel needed. He makes me feel like I’m incompetent and dumb.

    And although he can change, it will take so long. I am 18 and I cannot fix someone else’s deep rooted issues. I have my own issues that I also need to deal with aswell. My mother tells me that I have commitment issues, and I believe her. I didn’t have enough time to be single between my last relationship and this one, and he even noticed it too. He asked if I need time to be alone and single, and I said no because I’m scared.

    He has a really big heart. We have amazing laughs together, we go on double dates with his best friend and his girlfriend. He always tells me I’m beautiful and that he’s in love. But sometimes I don’t think I feel the intense love that he does for me. I feel like I’m a terrible girlfriend; but I’m not sure if it’s because I actually am, or he makes me feel like I am. I hate that I’m feeling this way, because he always says how happy he is and stuff, and I feel so guilty for feeling like something is just off.

     

    Please, I really need insight!

     

    #235137
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Sierra:

    Welcome back!

    I have two questions: does your mother know that he calls you a b*&^ and a n*&^%?

    And does she supports your relationship with him?

    anita

    #235149
    Michelle
    Participant

    Misogynistic, racist and controlling? This guy has half the “bad boyfriend” squares on bingo filled up.

    You’re young. Have fun. Learn to recognize that you are worth better than the treatment you are getting.

    #235157
    Sierra
    Participant

    Hello Anita!

    I haven’t mentioned those things to her yet.

    he also over reacts about what I wear when I go out. I like to dress how I dress, and he gets so mad. A few days ago, I was getting ready and my friend posted a picture of me, he calls me, angry and tells me “so my friend sent me the picture of you, I just don’t get why.”

    He kept saying that I should do what he tells me, he doesn’t get why we are fighting and that he doesn’t like what I’m wearing. I apologized, saying that I can change clothes, but he kept saying “it’s not about that Sierra.” Everytime I offered a suggestion he’d turned it down as if nothing was good enough. Another time I went to the club, I wore something he didn’t pike, and his friends say to him “you can’t let her dress like that, it ruins your reputation, my reputation and her reputation.”

    He says I make him super happy, but then he says that I don’t do the things he wants me to do.

    my friends and my mom said I should suggest taking a break, seeing how things are and the coming to a final decision. I am not sure what is best to do.

     

    rhank you

    #235161
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Sierra:

    You are welcome. You wrote that you are not sure what is best to do. I think it is best to not be involved with a man who calls you names. It is that simple.

    anita

    #235163
    Sierra
    Participant

    Hey Michelle!

    I agree that the things he says are terrible. I don’t know how to go about how I’m feeling, or if I’ll regret and decision I make. He has his nice side of course , everyone does, but I’m scared to throw away something so quickly but at the same time I feel like as time passes it may get worse.

    #235177

    Sierra

    As I read your post I had flashbacks to a previous relationship that I had to end at the beginning of this year. Several of your statements are very similar to the way I ex partner behaved towards me and I can tell you that he has pathological signs of being a narcissist. He wants to control you, who you speak to / spend time with, is keen to bring out your insecurities / fears so that he has the upper hand, calls you disgusting names (which I agree with anita is a deal breaker right there, without all the added abuse). That is what he is doing, it is forms of emotional abuse in attempts to manipulate you into staying with him. These people are very quick to show their professed “love” for us and will charm the birds out of the trees! It is a tactic to reel you in, so that you depend on them. His nice side is not consistent and it will get less and less. Telling you “if you loved me you would…” “you’re a bad girlfriend and I’m a good boyfriend” is manipulation. Towering over you, pointing in your face and flicking you on the head are all forms of intimidation and abuse. My partner did exactly the same things to me when I was attempting to remove myself from conflicts that he started out of nowhere, just to fire things up. This man ended up grabbing me, smashing my tv, ipad and driving a knife into my phone when I said I was leaving him. Yes, the police were involved afterwards.

    Please get out of this relationship….if you can even call it that. He is showing you his true colours and real love is the exact opposite to what you are experiencing. Do not let anyone convince you otherwise. You are 18 and you do not have commitment issues, I ask you to challenge your mother on why she is telling you this. Do not stay with this man and put yourself first. I learned this the hard way and I am 32, still trying to heal from relationships just like the one you are in. You deserve the best.

    #235183
    Michelle
    Participant

    Sierra – you won’t regret it. You may be sad in the short-term, but you are young and have a lifetime of dating and relationships to explore. You need to find out what works for you and what doesn’t. I can tell as a distant observer that this current relationship will be no good for you. This boy is a narcissist (and misogynist and racist) and will leave you riddled with self-esteem issues if you continue it for too long.

    #235197
    Sierra
    Participant

    Hey!

    I also had a flashback of anothe relationship I had at the beginning of this year, and there are similar traits that are coming out with my ex and my boyfriend.

    They call me crying when they are drunk, and they sob and tell me how much they love and care about me. With this boyfriend I thought it was sweet, but I don’t think it’s healthy.

    Also, he tells me that I “make” him, and I “make” him do things. I feel as if maybe it’s a lack of taking responsibility, as he never apologizes to me, even when it’s simple things like accidentally stepping on my foot and hurting me.

    Thank you for telling me about your past, and I’d like to know how you got out of it and how you approached the situation?

     

    thank you!:)

    #235199
    Sierra
    Participant

    Hey Michelle

    I agree.

    I feel sometimes that I may be overreacting and telling the story wrong, so that’s why I’m always hesitant. My friend told me to not excuse my feelings cause I’m afraid of being dramatic, which is true, but I tend to second guess a lot, and that’s my struggle.

    But I really appreciate your view on it, it changed my perspective and made it easier for me to deal with the feeling that maybe my relationship isn’t what I thought it was.

    #235201
    Sierra
    Participant

    Hey Anita!

    Thank you so much! It’s funny cause you actually helped me a lot this year, considering you responded to my posts in the past! I really appreciate the help, and I guess I do have to end it, I just don’t know when and how.

     

    thank you!

    Sierra

    #235231
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Sierra:

    You are welcome. You wrote about him: “He has a really big heart” and that “He always tells me I’m beautiful and that he’s in love”. But “He also says derogatory things”, including calling you a b**& and the n word. You told him to stop but he didn’t: “I always tell him not to but he still does so”. He points his finger in your face, flicks your forehead and gets in your face.When you assert yourself with him regarding the above, he says you are over dramatic and shouldn’t be angry. “he says that I don’t do the things he wants me to  do”, and he tells you that he is a good boyfriend and that you are a bad girlfriend.

    I suppose a good girlfriend in his mind will say thank you when he calls her names, will do whatever he tells her to do, will never assert herself, and lower her eyes and head when he points a finger in her face, and whisper: I am bad, you are good, I will do anything you want me to do because I want to be good.

    I hope you don’t become a good girlfriend in his mind, that you instead end this relationship and I feel badly for the next young woman that gets involved with him, I wish he didn’t continue to be a bad boyfriend and person.

    anita

     

    #235239
    Inky
    Participant

    Hi Sierra,

    I would break up with him based on you not being that into him alone.

    The emotional abuse is just the nail in his coffin.

    Break up with him. Tell him he did it to himself. YOU should give yourself a nice new boyfriend for Christmas! (If you’re into someone.)

    Sometimes you’re a Life Lesson to other people.

    Meanwhile, enjoy your studies and independence!

    Best,

    Inky

    • This reply was modified 3 years, 9 months ago by Inky.
    • This reply was modified 3 years, 9 months ago by Inky.
    #235259
    Sierra
    Participant

    Hello Anita

    I don’t want to become the “good girlfriend”. Because I know I wouldn’t be happy, I don’t like being talked down to, or being told Im not trying, it makes me not want to try. I see him noticing it, he says the last two weeks there has been some fighting and tension.

    I guess breaking up is just so permanent that im too afraid. I also don’t feel like I am trying, I’m being super distant and cold, which is also not good. I guess the reason I am like this is because I’m not sure if I want to save the relationship, but I’m scared I might regret it if I don’t try.

     

    #235261
    Sierra
    Participant

    Hey Inky!

    Im feeling like I should end it. I thank you for thfor the insight, I guess I just need time to think about it before making such a drastic decision.

     

     

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