I had the biggest crush on my boyfriend, and at the beginning I was obsessed, I always found myself staying up super late to talk to him, always doing things to make him happy, showing affection, love, etc. Lately I have found myself doing the opposite; never really wanting to call, I never text him first, I don’t always want to hang out with him alone, etc.

I am a very independent person, so when school started up again, I started doing my own thing, and my boyfriend noticed that, and I think began overthinking.

He always, and I mean ALWAYS says “you don’t love me,” or “if you loved me, you would…” and “this is why you’re a bad girlfriend…” and “see, I’m a good boyfriend because…”.

He always makes jokes, calling me “bitch”. I know he says it’s a joke, but it really becomes less funny. He also says the “n” word to me, because I am half black he thinks he can say it, I always tell him not to but he still does so, although he does so it less because I became very angry when he said it. He also says very derogatory things, and I know he’s joking but it just seems like he lacks respect.

When we talk, he points his finger in my face, or flicks my forehead and gets in my face and towers over me. I despise those things because it seems very condescending, but he always says I’m being over dramatic and doesn’t get why I’m mad.

He says my friends are bad influences; they’re single and he things they get around easily. He always tells me what others think about me and my friends.

He once told me he was trying to change me into a “clingy girlfriend, someone who’s jealous and more needy.” But he realized I’m not like that, and it may bother him even if he doesnt admit it.

I think the reason he’s like this is because he is extremely insecure, he NEEDS validation from everyone. He needs validation from popular people and his friends especially. And I think that because I’m not an over the top crazy girlfriend, I must not love him so he seeks validation from me. Him and his friends believe that that’s how girlfriends should be, as his best friend said about his own girlfriend “yeah, she’s obsessed with me I can control her.”

He tells me I can’t control my alcohol, yet he gets so drunk and passes out. He says he wants me to ask him to fix my problems for me, but not to genuinely help me, but to make himself feel needed. He makes me feel like I’m incompetent and dumb.

And although he can change, it will take so long. I am 18 and I cannot fix someone else’s deep rooted issues. I have my own issues that I also need to deal with aswell. My mother tells me that I have commitment issues, and I believe her. I didn’t have enough time to be single between my last relationship and this one, and he even noticed it too. He asked if I need time to be alone and single, and I said no because I’m scared.

He has a really big heart. We have amazing laughs together, we go on double dates with his best friend and his girlfriend. He always tells me I’m beautiful and that he’s in love. But sometimes I don’t think I feel the intense love that he does for me. I feel like I’m a terrible girlfriend; but I’m not sure if it’s because I actually am, or he makes me feel like I am. I hate that I’m feeling this way, because he always says how happy he is and stuff, and I feel so guilty for feeling like something is just off.

Please, I really need insight!