Alisa

You say you are on two totally different levels, but then in an earlier post today you wrote that you have a connection and could have an amazing future with him. See how confusing this sounds?

I think you need to delve into your parents relationship dynamics first, ask yourself what you may have picked up along the way of what a relationship “should” look/feel and present like. Then delve into your previous relationships (all of them, long and short) and see if you can notice any patterns of behaviour / habits. You said you felt no attraction towards the men in your 3 year relationships, so this one is different to them in any case, because you are attracted to him as a person. You also mentioned that you do have love for him. Do you feel that any of your previous relationships were loving and healthy? If not, this is the first one that you may have. So of course, this calm and almost ‘too good to be true’ but not quite ‘exciting or dramatic enough’ feeling is going to make you feel off balance.

Like anita also said, the butterflies and sparks do not last in any relationship. These feelings are the initial brain chemistry and endorphins that are released when we feel excitement at something/someone new. It’s more infatuation. However this is always temporary and shouldn’t be used as the main marker when we are looking for a long term commitment. It’s impossible for this to last because true intimacy and love needs something deeper than this. This is what I mentioned about the stage at which a lot of people fail at the hurdle, because they give up on a potentially great partnership. It’s about feeling cared for and feeling safe. It’s the attraction phase that shifts and moves into a level of mutual respect, care, trust and love.

I don’t think you should talk to him about this until you have looked and examined within yourself. Get clear in yourself as to what relationship habits/patterns you have been acting out until now and why. And also what you have been taught or what you perceive a healthy relationship is “supposed” to look like and feel like. You may be surprised at what answers come up. When I finally looked within myself after years of emotionally unavailable men and constant disappointments, I saw that my whole idea of relationships were completely skewed! Ask yourself what you think of yourself too. Who are you when you are single and in a relationship. Who do you want to be and what are your values, needs and desires. (this doesn’t include feeling butterflies by the way – that’s superficial stuff. I mean what you TRULY desire deep within).