No, no contact over the years. I did meet him when i was 10 years old, and thats the time i realized i actually had a father, before then i didnt know if he was dead or alive, and i never asked mom. As i got older i did try to reconnect with him, but i find the hatred towards him was too strong, and i have trouble letting that go. Now i dont hate him and try to empathize with him, but i just feel further connection with him is no longer needed.

Mom’s death struck me very hard, it was only 10 days from when we found out she had brain cancer to her passing away. It was too quick i wasnt able to process, i grieved for a short time as grandma flew in from another country and i didnt want her to be worried. So i just mashalled on. Dad was in the same country then but he didnt offer to take care of me, so i just went on with life.

What you said regarding hope really clicked in me, i dont want to leave my well being up to him, im really trying to be strong, but its getting hard.