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Trying to stay postive post break up

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This topic contains 14 replies, has 4 voices, and was last updated by  anita 1 week ago.

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  • #235689

    vibrant_me
    Participant

    Hi I’m new here.  To give a little background.  I’m 30yo female, got diagnosed with depression, bpd, anxiety 3 years ago, due to attachment issues I was what you’d call a serial monogamous.  I had a very good career prior to all these until I got my diagnosis, I quit my job, became isolated, no friends.

    Me and my partner of 1+ year broke up 3 weeks ago, he broke up with me.  The relationship wasn’t toxic or anything, we got along really well, but I guess my insecurities caused arguments between us, and led him to believe we were incompatible.  I didn’t take it well at all, I gave myself a week to mourn and past 2 weeks I’ve been doing a lot of reading about self improvement /confidence /moving on.  I discovered the spiritual side of me which really helped me to identify my past dating patterns and I’m currently practicing on changing my mindset.  This week I’ve been doing quite well and is able to find joy and peace within myself.  However I’d be lying if there weren’t moments of hoping he would change his mind, he loved me dearly and was very supportive, but I guess I strained him.

    It took this experience to for me to really learn about myself, know how to love myself and deal with insecurities from the past.  I guess I’m posting here because my mind isn’t as optimistic today and hoping for some support and any advice will be greatly appreciated.

    Thank you all in advance ^^

    #235723

    anita
    Participant

    Dear vibrant_me:

    It is difficult when a love relationship ends, and it is a very good thing that you took this experience as an opportunity to learn about yourself. Can’t help feeling sad though, and lonely, I suppose, because you lost him and you are “isolated, no friends”.

    I wonder why you quit your job and isolated yourself following your diagnoses, is it because of the diagnoses (first paragraph). I wonder, if you want to share, please do.

    I will soon be away from the computer for about fifteen hours. If you post more I will read and respond when I am back. I hope other members will post to you before I return. Hope you feel better soon!

    anita

    #235757

    vibrant_me
    Participant

    Thank you for the reply Anita,

    I isolated myself due to the nature of depression of not wanting to be around people, but in hindsight i think the diagnosis did play a part. I worked in the medical field so i was well equipped with the insight to these mental issues, i guess subconsciously i acted out to the symptoms – because that’s what i told i had.

    Im currently in the midst of relocation so it’s hard to do everything myself, but im trying to keep a healthy mindset and encourage myself constantly. I also have plans of involving myself in more outdoor activities, getting a job, find new hobbies etc.

    Problem is there are times i find myself having thoughts of him, though as much as i prepared myself mentally to move on and improving myself, i dont like that tiny bit of me hoping he’d come back.

     

    #235759

    Shelbyville
    Participant

    <p style=”text-align: left;”>Vibrant_me</p>
    Welcome to the forum. Don’t be worried about thinking of him. You loved him right? So it’s a loss, you can acknowledge it as such. I know you are working hard to improve your own wellbeing, which is fantastic. But there is nothing that tells you that you have to instantly be over your ex. When a loving relationship ends, it’s okay to grieve, it’s ok to miss him. It means you’re human.

    My ex ended it with me 7 weeks again and I’d be lucky to find a five minute period in a day where I don’t think of him. Let the thoughts of him come and go without reading into them too much.

    In time, the thoughts will become less frequent. I’m so sorry it didn’t work out and I do hope your new journey brings you peace and fulfilment.

     

    #235765

    vibrant_me
    Participant

    Thanks shelbyville, i know when we go through break ups it’s not necessarily we want to be with the person but we’re just missing the company and the habit. Mostly i find it terrifying to the fact that one day i might actually ‘get over him’, like not loving him is what im scared of.

    I hope you’re doing well, if you need you can talk to me and we can support each other with some positivity ^^

    #235767

    Shelbyville
    Participant

    <p style=”text-align: left;”>Well I’m glad you’re in such a positive state of mind, despite the breakup. I wish I could be more positive, I’m still struggling massively with missing my ex.</p>
    Perhaps you are right about the habit, but just at the moment, it’s very much related to the specific person. I hope one day I can be happy again.

    Dont worry about being afraid, fear is just fear. It can’t hurt you and actually disappears when you confront it. You’re doing really well. x

    #235781

    anita
    Participant

    Dear vibrant_me:

    Three years ago, at 27,  you “got diagnosed with depression, bpd (Borderline Personality Disorder), anxiety”. You had closer information about these diagnoses because you worked in the medical field at the time. You now think that “subconsciously I acted out to the symptoms- because that’s what I told I had”. You responded then to the diagnoses, and to your depression at the time in these ways: “I quit my job, became isolated, no friends”. But you did have a relationship following your diagnoses that ended a few weeks ago, his choice, following many arguments that you believed strained him, and he quit.

    I am very familiar with the BPD diagnosis as well as with anxiety and depression from my very personal experience. I view most mental diagnoses/ disorders as something like this: it starts with ongoing fear in childhood and those fears, like rocks going down a hill, gather more and more mud as they roll down the hill, eventually getting stuck along the way down, perhaps, with a particular arrangement of mud that fit this or that diagnosis.

    The mud gathered along the way includes all the ways we tried to resolve our own ongoing fear and the damage caused by those ways. The mud includes our dysfunctional living as adults, the harm caused by those ways.

    You mentioned learning after the breakup. I hope you continue to learn. Learning motivates me.

    anita

    #235815

    vibrant_me
    Participant

    Yes Anita,  i think it traces back to my childhood, my dad left me when i was 10 months old, mom passed away at 19, the only family i have left is my grandma and shes not in the same country as me. This week ive been trying to ‘let go’ of the past, like my childhood and learn to forgive, i think this is the only way to heal myself.

    Today has been very tough, my ex msged me to discuss matter that needed to be done (we rented an apartment together and we are ending the lease). i feel like i was doing so well, until he contacted me, hearing from him just give me hope, and i dont want that hope, coz the hope of getting together will delay my healing. Today is one of those days i feel really stuck.

    #235825

    anita
    Participant

    Dear vibrant_me:

    If you want to share more: did you have any contact with your father over the years? And about your mother’s death, what happened?

    The hope you mentioned, depending where we put our hope, it can move us forward or keep us stuck. Hope really is not with this guy. Hope is in the learning you wrote about, not in this or that man. So many people are stuck hoping their parents will one day love them, waiting.

    When we put our hope in a love-interest, your ex boyfriend, in your case, it leaves your well being up to him; it leaves the power with him, not with you while he does not really have that power. Power in a relationship is in the two parties working hard together, as a team, helping each other.

    anita

    • This reply was modified 1 week ago by  anita.
    #235831

    vibrant_me
    Participant

    No, no contact over the years. I did meet him when i was 10 years old, and thats the time i realized i actually had a father, before then i didnt know if he was dead or alive, and i never asked mom. As i got older i did try to reconnect with him, but i find the hatred towards him was too strong, and i have trouble letting that go. Now i dont hate him and try to empathize with him, but i just feel further connection with him is no longer needed.

    Mom’s death struck me very hard, it was only 10 days from when we found out she had brain cancer to her passing away. It was too quick i wasnt able to process, i grieved for a short time as grandma flew in from another country and i didnt want her to be worried. So i just mashalled on. Dad was in the same country then but he didnt offer to take care of me, so i just went on with life.

    What you said regarding hope really clicked in me, i dont want to leave my well being up to him, im really trying to be strong, but its getting hard.

    #235837

    Kelli
    Participant

    Hey there.

    Sending you hugs and healing energy! The one thing I would say is don’t feel pressure to ‘be positive’ about it all the time. Sure, we always want to be open to those lovely spiritual perspectives that make our pain easier to deal with, but at least in my experience, getting there is a journey that usually entails the purging of all the ‘stuff’ that makes it harder to embrace all that on a deeper level, where we truly feel that way.

    There is just as much value in that pain and those ‘bad days’ as there is in your efforts to be positive and use the situation to make positive changes in your life and yourself. If you are able to be honest with yourself, you will be able to strike that balance between indulging these moments and letting them be therapeutic and wallowing too long and then making a more conscious effort to ‘snap out of it.’

    #235841

    vibrant_me
    Participant

    Thank you for your comforting words Kelli, I’ve been told trying to be overly optimistic about this isn’t healthy, but it’s the only way i know how to cope. If i allow myself in the sadness it becomes very addictive, and i don’t want to enter the dark realm of depression again. Especially while living alone there’s no one to pull me out and do things like ‘come on lets go for a walk’. Once i get there i don’t know if i can pull myself out. It’s very contradicting.

    #235845

    anita
    Participant

    Dear vibrant_me:

    Have you been told by people that you are strong, to have gone through your mother’s sudden death, with little to no support, no father, no family, and when your grandmother flew over to take care of you, you tried to not worry her, taking care of her that way!?

    anita

    #235867

    vibrant_me
    Participant

    Anita, I can’t even put in words how much I appreciate your replies. You brought me to tears. It’s hard to find people as wise and understanding as you around me. Thank you so much!!

    • This reply was modified 1 week ago by  vibrant_me.
    #235873

    anita
    Participant

    You are very welcome, vibrant_me. I appreciate your words to me. Post anytime and I will reply to you.

    anita

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