First of all, the kid thing. My fuse is SO short. I keep being told by several people that it is the result of me burying some abuse I endured as a child, and it is starting to seep out. I endeavor to control it as much as possible, but my daughters seem to have this game they play called “keep doing what dad asked us not to until he finally freaks out on us and then try not to laugh”. I mean, at least they find it funny and not frightening. But leaving is not going to fix that. That is something I am dealing with regardless of what is happening in my life right now.

As for the “changes”. She has claimed I don’t pay enough attention to her. That I spend too much time playing games with my son (he is REALLY into it, so instead of moaning at him to get off the games all the time, I chose to participate with him to bond). That I don’t “make her feel pretty”. I tell her I love her several times a day, tell her how gorgeous she is. When I do that, she does the “Stop, I do not” nonsense and it DRIVES ME CRAZY. Why do you want me to tell you something that you then act like I am the jackass for saying? All throughout our marriage, I was the one who was expected to bend and reshape to her will. I never once have asked her to lose weight, treat me differently, etc.. So it’s stuff like that. I am expected to be EXACTLY who she married 15 years ago or she is unhappy. And that isn’t fair to me. She changed over 15 years, so did I. Maybe we got married too young and life has just changed us into different people. The difference between us is, I would still marry her today. I’m not sure she would say the same.

As to why she was out of my league, she is smart. Gorgeous. Funny. I don’t normally get ALL of that in one woman. I usually either get a really funny and hot, but completely vapid simpleton, or I get a really good looking and smart woman who has no sense of humor whatsoever. Or I can find a really plain looking woman who is smart and funny. All of them are sexy to me because all three of those things are attractive to me. But she had all three, and I had attempted to get with women before who were all three and just got shot down. Early on in my life, while I thought I was God’s gift to women, I was still WOEFULLY shy with them. I came out of high school having had like 2 girlfriends and a single sexual partner. Come to find out, all the girls were sweating me and I was just too shy to have any clue. One of the girls (saw her at a reunion) told me that was part of the charm. Someone unobtainable, but not because he thought he was too good for all of them, but rather that he thought none of them wanted anything to do with him. I thought that was an odd thing to be attracted to, but it was high school so who knows. My thing back then was knee socks and plaid, pleated skirts so I can’t really complain. So when I took the chance with her, and it worked out, I thought “I can’t ever let this woman go”. And I have endeavored not to since.

But the truly painful part that I am starting to realize is that she clearly doesn’t feel the same about me. Three times now she has told me, in one way or another, “You aren’t good enough”. It might just be me getting lost in my own hurt feelings, but that just seems like incompatibility on a wedded level. Hell, I thought it was HER who had bought into the Disney Princess, fairy tale ending, but I am starting to think it was ME who has romanticized our relationship outside the scope of reality.