Kkasxo,

The problem with my ex and I is that I was becoming increasingly unhappy and so was he. Silly fights would crop up for one reason and one reason alone- he was holding back. I tried for a few years to be patient and not let my anger and frustration get the better of me, but it did hurt when I felt as though I was the one making 70 per cent effort and then he NEVER wanted any conflict ever (unrealistic) so if there was a fight, he would be extremely unhappy.

So I was unhappy not getting enough from him and he was unhappy constantly feeling like the bad guy and that he was constantly disappointing me. But I wasn’t pushing ahead because of a timeline or because I personally had goals. I pushed ahead because I was mad about him and just got so excited about a future with him. He got scared and instead of trying to figure out exactly what he wanted, he bailed. So in a way, I know why it didn’t work but I feel he COULD have been happy with me if he got over his fear. But this is the most difficult part of the process for me….acceptance. Particularly that I can’t change or control what someone else decides.

In terms of reconciling, I remember the first time we met each other. We had ZERO contact for months and my stomach was inside out on the car journey to see him. But I knew I wanted to get back together with him. So I took all the online advice and tried to ‘be the best me’ in the months we were apart. I thought I had done that, but in hindsight, maybe that’s why I’m learning this lesson through break up again- I obviously didn’t make my myself whole while we were apart before, because I’m lost without him now. And my life doesn’t feel whole.

Its absolutely natural to be anxious about reconciling. You have been through extraordinary pain and your brain doesn’t forget. It will send warning signals such as anxiety to ensure it doesn’t experience that pain again. Naturally you’re afraid. You may have pain either route you take. Anxiety comes from the fear of that pain I’m guessing, but the only way to kick anxiety’s ass is to face the fear. Once you do, confidence grows, fear shrinks. Other people’s opinions can cause anxiety too though, I found it was easiest to break it to people in dribs and drabs, the most understanding people first. When we reunited the last time, there was a major family loss at the time so to be honest, everyone’s minds were elsewhere and I think they were happy I had someone to comfort me at the time.

I never thought I’d actually be welcoming the approach of a Monday morning!