Dear Feathering:

If you do meet him, plan on saying very little, smiling some, listening. Aim at a pleasant  meeting, nothing  more. Anger is scary and he  is scared, so no alarming moves or words, go slow and gentle.

As a formerly very angry woman, probably no less  angry than you, I assure you that there  is no greater turn off for a man than an angry woman. The expression of anger scares people. It scares other animals, this is why a male deer will display anger toward  other bucks so that they get  scared and submit to his dominance in the social group. And why dogs’ angry barks and showing of teeth scare people they consider to be invading their territory.

I was not able to have relationships really for decades because of my  anger. My anger earned me (later in life) the diagnosis of Borderline Personality Disorder which was fitting in my person and life since I first associated with men, very late teens or early twenties.  It is only in the last few years  that I no longer fit  this diagnosis.

Projecting my own experience to yours, I would  say: you will be angry at each and every man you get involved with, sooner than later. Some of the men will be jerks but you will be angry at the good ones as well, and no  less. Every single man will become the enemy, sooner than later.

It is because your feeling “unloved and unappreciated” will be activated quickly in each and every beginning relationship, and then “as soon as those feelings  kick in it triggers a cycle of thoughts, feelings and behaviors that are extremely difficult to stop”, your words.

I will be glad to … guide you, as a formerly Angry Woman, through the process of healing from this anger and becoming capable of a stable, loving relationship with a good albeit imperfect man. I am very humble regarding my ability to help others, nonetheless I  offer it.

anita