Shelby,

I am possibly a bit more in tact with my feelings because of the monthly visitor but generally I am just hurt. It’s like a never ending cycle of mess up’s since June! One thing after another – when does it bloody end?!

I am currently alone in the office so I am enjoying the peace and quiet although it probably wont last very long! I think mostly I just feel absolutely unsettled, I feel sick to my stomach, I’m barely managing to hold down my coffee.

I really am loosing hope at this point. This has been going on for so long now and i’m loosing hope that it’ll ever get any better. I have done so much reading into healing, forgiveness, self-love, I have gotten myself to the gym, I have tried to go out and enjoy things again, I have given into distractions to help keep my mind off things – seems I am running out of things to do to try and help myself! I don’t want to just ‘exist’ or ‘survive’ like this anymore. I want to be able to find joy in my life again.

This whole waiting game of ‘time is a healer’ is exhausting. I feel like nothing is progressing. Ultimately, I am not healing, I am not feeling any better at all. I just keep finding myself in this endless cycle of pain and hurt and I can’t seem to get out of it.

I am aware most of what I just wrote sounds like utter jibberish, I just feel lost and hopeless..