Again another revelation. That’s exactly it Anita. Precisely how I feel. A pickle indeed.

Indeed I can detect this the whole way back. Even when we were not dating, just messaging (this was before the fateful holiday), I could be more realistic about the situation, at the time. I would feel separation anxiety. Why hadnt he messaged? Waaaa. But, I would control myself with the fact of the situation, we werent together, just a but attached romantically. I saw growth though, perhaps mistakenly, as each time I got nervous, anxious, I let the thought pass. I felt stronger each time, that I was growing through my pain by connecting with someone. Regardless, I was building up my life after all. Plans included him but not always, I was going to visit him in Brazil, sure, but I was going to come back and do my masters (Though I was never 100% on that). Perhaps now in a relationship I let the anxiety run amok, as if its justified now because of the relationship. (Whatever kind of relationship it is but thats beside this point). His behaviour triggers it extremely in me and throws me off. I cant properly process his behaviour cos it sends me into overdrive.

I will keep working on the anxiety. I mustn’t forget the idea of progress, im moving forward in life etc. Otherwise I will just play this record again and again. I have to expunge this anxiety, for better or worse relationship wise, but more importantly for me to have clarity. But at least now I know why just downing tools and leaving him feels like a release, but a false one a temporary one, one that isnt cathartic. I am at peace but this confusing mesh of emotions overwhelms my thoughts, feelings, judgements. It sneaks up on me and strangles my ability to have any meaningful relationship. I used to get it with any guy… even a guy I would meet in a club, when he would talk to his friends! A guy I maybe had known for 20 minutes… maybe he goes to buy a drink, i´d be expecting him to never come back! This comes out in the interactions with my boyfriend. I end up feeling like… idk, I acted how did not want to act. I want to act like I was before, disengaging the anxiety, learning growing.

I know I can do that with anybody, of course, It doesnt matter if its him or not… I suppose its him at this moment. Idk. Idk whether to try and communicate more, to “exercise the good muscle”, work through my anxieties. Let them arise but talk to the therapist about them, or… leave?