Dear Feathering:

I hope you are feeling fine today. What  is the status on the  source  of that pain?

Regarding Mr (will call him that, I have the following  input today:

1. This is what you wrote about him in the first  two pages of your thread: “He is a troubled soul… He’s very much a mixed-message kind of person….Very confused and doesn’t  know what he wants…he is indecisive…. A man-child and a total mess… He expressed deep self criticism, continually second guessing  himself… He accused me of having ‘false pretenses'”.

But when a clear situation presented itself he did the right thing right away, no confusion, no second guessing himself, no giving  mixed messages, no man-child, just man: “I was a victim of an unprovoked assault from a total stranger. He totally fought my corner for  me when nobody else really believed or listened to me. He supported my actions with the police and  provided a formal witness statement.

* If you are interested in a relationship with him, it is most important that  you will be clear and assertive with him at all times. He needs to know clearly what you want from him.He operates well when he is clear, so give him clarity about you. Your clarity will make a relationship possible, lack of clarity/ ambiguity on your part will give his self criticism and second guessing space to flourish.

2. You wrote about him on this page: “He said he has a lot of  female friends and  sometimes struggled in his head  to distinguish what was a platonic friendship from a romantic or sexual relationship. That oftentimes  his romantic relationships just fizzled out  into friendships (but an ambiguity remained and occasionally would break out into a briefly sexual phase before fizzling out again)”

*An open relationship, a non monogamy policy in a relationship is not right for him.  If it is a  good idea with some men, it is not a good idea for a relationship with  him. Again, he needs clarity, definitions, boundaries. An open relationship will give his confusion the space it  needs to  confuse himself and everyone else involved.

3. You wrote about him: “he claimed I had been putting pressure on him… he tells me my ‘friendship wasn’t  very friendly'”- he needs you clear and assertive but not aggressive, not in any way.  No pressure, no hidden threats, no hidden criticisms, no accusations but clear, straightforward assertiveness.

anita