Hello Anita, Mark and John,

I’ve been thinking about what each of you have written, and thank you for your responses.

Anita – I don’t mind the reminder, and am touched that you check in.  And you are correct…if I didn’t want to respond, I wouldn’t.  You ask how I manage my anger at my husband.  Well, one way was pretty destructive – having a friendship outside of our marriage.  I don’t talk to him anymore, and I don’t miss him or that dynamic.  With where our marriage is now, I think the anger is not as intense – it’s more sadness and disappointment.  I can say as much as I want that it’s all about what my husband did/didn’t do, but I’m equally to blame.  I could have just walked out, but didn’t.

You ask how I interact with my husband with all my anger and being numb….Well, I’m pretty blunt and direct with him now about what I need and what needs to change.  And I’ve also tried to be very open about my thoughts on our marriage – that he and I don’t have to live like this.  So I guess the anger sort of fizzles the more I express myself.  And maybe, deep down, I just don’t have the courage to leave.  If our marriage ended, I would be okay – don’t doubt that at all. From there it becomes about other people, and I haven’t reached the point where considering that doesn’t matter to me.  And I don’t mean that people who leave don’t care about other people in their lives – I’m just saying for me, I haven’t reached that point.

Hi Mark – I sincerely appreciate your thoughts.  I am glad you found your happy.  I have considered all you say 1000 times over.  I do wonder if I have modeled for my kids how to be unhappy, but I also wonder if maybe my kids will form relationships based on “not doing what mom (or dad) did.”

I also subscribe to living life as if it’s my last day – but more on a personal level than with an eye toward a relationship. I don’t regret staying – I think I had good reasons to stay and at the time, it made sense.   I think my husband and I are both trying to figure out if we can move forward or not.

Hello John – I read your post completely and thoroughly.  My husband and I are definitely at #2.  And wow, very perceptive to point out the fact that if he changes for me, it may or may not last.  Because I want him to change for himself…but then, he thinks he is a-okay as is.   He is a great guy, I just don’t think he’s made to be married.  And I’ve told him this.  So I do understand exactly what you’re saying.  And yes, if we don’t make it, I can absolutely see him being the person I needed him to be – for another wife.  Because he will do it with the thought of “I need to do this because I didn’t with my ex-wife, and I don’t want this marriage to fail, so I will do what my ex-wife needed” – without regard to what that person might actually need.

I will say this, however: while you always felt like an afterthought, did you ever ask him if that was the case? I didn’t ask him, but told him many times that this is how I felt.  And as you very aptly pointed out, I think he would then try to placate me.  I think still tries to do this, but not as often.

Same with the “keeping your mouth shut”. Did you ask him if he was annoyed with you? Again, I didn’t ask him because if I asked he would only say what he thought I wanted to hear.  So I started telling him how the things he said to me and how he said them made me feel as if he was annoyed with me and that he doesn’t want to even hear what I think.

Perhaps he was annoyed that you didn’t speak to him and he felt like an afterthought. Point being, I am seeing a LOT of things in my marriage now that were basically the same problem from two different points – yes, I can absolutely see how this can happen.  Especially when communication becomes non-existent – of view and if we had just spoken about it, I feel like we would be deeply in love still and working on 20 years instead of 15 and done. But here we are.

So, thank you all again – Anita, Mark, and John – for your thoughts.  And in spite of what it may seem, I do have other things I’m working on besides my marriage – exciting, fun things.  This helps too.