I feel so confused. I know I don’t need him as my boyfriend, we did kind of agree to stay friends, which is a good situation, I think partially not having him in my life was one of hte reasons I couldn’t move on… I couldn’t see that he had moved on. I can accept we’re not meant to be. I’m on my own now, and I can pursue whatever I want.

Idk I had a bad, annoying therapy session yesterday. I specifically told her I didn’t like that my previous therapist did “visualizations” but all about the colours I was seeing rather than proper psychoanalysis and helping me use tools to control my anxieties. So today I was in a bad mood anyway. I commented on the picture and then pow.

It’s a double whammy. I’m furious with the therapist, that really took me out of myself. I left without knowing how to cope with my problems for this week. Then today, I’m totally lost over this. It wasn’t a full “well gosh that’s over then” like I had wanted.

There was no opening up for me to take the space left by him leaving the relationship. I downloaded tinder and what was I doing? Manically swiping again. I’m looking for someone else to fill the void, it should be me. I’m blaming the therapist for making me feel a certain way. I remember the good advice, the good feeling, from the week earlier, that had helped me feel a lot better. But now when I remember it, I get flustered about this week’s crappy session and it all goes out the window. I can’t just be here, in my room (alone as usual)… I want to meet people but only because I crave attention again not because I want to meet new people.

I feel a bit hopeless, helpless and lonely.